frommtvtomommy

When the hope is gone

In Uncategorized on January 20, 2012 at 3:10 am

I gave up all hope on a particular person—I will NOT Name names, and would appreciate for others to not name any possible names in the comments either please 🙂 —- a long, long, long time ago. I recognized this person would never like me, nor would this person do the right thing in order to make things easier on everyone. It is hard because after the holidays, I realized just how final this “death of hope” was for me and my loved ones. I don’t understand why this person has continued to pick and peck, finding a billion things bad about me. While I’m not perfect, I’m not the devil’s spawn as this person must believe. I hit my breaking point around the holidays when this person went as far as to turn down an invite to my daughter’s Hanukkah celebration. Anti-jewish?? or just anti-me? When confronted, no explanation was offered, neither was an apology. To me, that is unacceptable. Either way, it sucks.
Now that every single drop of hope is gone, I have to move on to letting go. I want to say that it has been easy, especially considering how long this issue has gone on–for years now– but it is not. When I think about how normal things could be, it pisses me off even more. I cannot understand the stubbornness and neuroses of this individual. We don’t need to love each other–just to tolerate each other, and apparently I am not tolerable. I found positive things about this person. I pointed it out. I tried. It was not easy considering every single solitary time I interact with this said individual I have anxiety and small panic attacks.
With that said, my life is 100% less stressful since I am not dealing with this person at all.The last time I dealt with this individual, I had mastitis, a breast infection, a cold, and gastritis. It sucked. Not being in contact with this individual as minimized my anxiety tons, and I feel a lot better. I know I made the best choice to not speak, see, or deal with this person (minus one possible time when I will extend myself–one time that I am trying to do the right thing by my family for) again. This person does not want to see me either. It makes life easier.
But how do you move on from something knowing there is a permanent issue that will never be resolved, that my own child will have to deal with and understand? It is enough that I have to feel sadness, but to know that she will have to negotiate this incredibly fractured relationship, breaks my heart tremendously. It is not what I wanted. I tried to reach out many times since she was born, to this person, and it has not worked. In fact, it became worse, and I finally said, enough already. I am not dealing with you until you change.
I know that was the right thing to do. I will not tolerate someone bullying me, whether in his or her sick mind he/she thinks it’s not bullying, because it is. This is the stuff movies and sitcoms are made of. Family drama is what makes for entertainment, yet when it is real life, it’s not funny at all.
But there is no change. And life goes on, (more peacefully), but I still wish we didn’t have to deal with this.

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