I had a delayed adolescence in certain ways. I worked through various issues/traumas later on, and so it took me awhile to kind of “grow up.” It’s just how it was.
I found some old photos of myself. I was actually at the very end of my twenties in these photos: 29 to be exact. How did I think I was so ugly? And not good enough? That was a farce, a lie. Now, maybe yes, Maybe I look crappy and unpolished, but I looked great back then. Wonderful even for an average-looking person such as myself. It is amazing how one’s self esteem can just diminish reality. I think since the moment I turned 13 I have never been fully-confident. I cherish the confidence I had as a tween and a child. I wish I had that back. Somehow it seems like it will never materialize even though I am more confident than I have been.
I think there are too many choices and decisions right now that need to be made that are essentially making me feel like I am ripping myself apart.
I saw those pictures today and I thought how happy and free I looked even though I wasn’t. Everything can look so perfect on the outside but be so messed up on the inside.
Beauty fades but self-love does not. That’s got to be the cheesiest shit I have written to date, but it’s true.