I feel that I open my mouth too much. The issue isn’t that I talk a lot, which I do, but the issue is I say what’s on my mind at that moment…or I say something totally inappropriate, forgetting that most people don’t think like I do. For example, I hit my local Starbucks, and say hello to the girl ringing me up, someone who has never had the distinct pleasure of ringing me up before. I say to her, “Oh, I’ve never had you before.”
I then realize it sounds as if I have “had” other people at the Starbucks in a sexual manner. I then say, “Oh geez, that sounded terrible. I don’t mean sexually, I just mean you never rang me up before.”
Thankfully she laughed, but as I walked away with my tea in hand, I realized that maybe she didn’t hear that first comment as sexual. I then reevaluate that I may indeed be a perv.
I confirm my status as local pervert when a young man of about 18 or 20 years of age tells me his hand hurts, to which I say, “You’re a teenage boy…that’s to be expected.”
After I said that I realize, maybe this kid didn’t want to be called out for his masturbation habits.
What I’m trying to say is I say things without always realizing how it might sound. For someone who can be great with words, I sure screw it up just as often. When it comes to funerals or weddings etc, I know what to say, but sometimes I have to wonder about myself. I decided to write this blog so I can vent about some of the things that truly annoy me about people (Part I), without getting caught in the act of revealing this with my big mouth. I feel this will enable me to go out into the world and function as a better citizen, or maybe, it just shows more signs that I am a self-indulgent neurotic.
1- Call the vagina, a vagina, and a penis, a penis.
I know many people have “pet” names that they teach their child rather than penis or vagina, and that’s okay, but don’t call my kid’s vagina a “bippy” or “hoo-hoo” or “waa-waa.” It’s a goddamned vagina. It’s the technical and biological term. I don’t want her to think her body is disgusting. Do you call you arm a “ahh-ahh” or your head a “haa-haa.” I am sure many people will argue with me on this, but as long as it’s your kid, say whatever you wan–that’s cool, but my kid is the proud owner of a VAGINA. Not a bippity, boppedy, boo.
2-Know the names of your childcare providers.
I had the unfortunate privilege of hearing both a mother and father say they did not know the name of their child’s daycare teacher. They said,”Oh she only goes one day a week for a few hours.”
Really? I just drop my kid off with anyone, and don’t remember the person’s name. Oh hey person down the street of whom I’ve never met before. Watch my kid. Yeah. Oh, “What’s your name?” These teachers are in charge of your child. They wipe your kid’s ass. They might even feed your kid lunch. Have some decency and respect to remember the first name of just one of those teachers. Sure, some people are bad at names, but come on how many of you moms don’t know the name of your child’s teacher?? I doubt many of you! That nameless teacher might have to perform life-saving CPR on your kid. Remember her name damnit.
3-Big muscle head guy smile for once.
There is this one dude at the gym who is very buff. He’s not my bag of treats, but apparently he feels that any woman who looks in his direction must be interested. He has this stone face grimace. I see him at least three times a week. Smile you grouchy fuck! I am not interested in you, but I just hate looking at such a crabby face. Stop kissing your biceps, and smile for once.
4- More gym ettiquette, part two:
Don’t lift your shirt to stare at your abs unless the gym in involved in a group orgy. In that case, take everything off.
And my final pet peeve of the day..
5-Indirectly asking for money
If you need money, ask the person directly. Do not hint about it or side-step the issue, and then get pissed because I didn’t offer my wallet. Also, see rule #235 on borrowing shit: don’t contact people only to ask for stuff. Learn to get stuff on your own. I am okay with helping out those who are my friends and an active part of my life, but I am not a store or a warm body with arms to do shit.
I leave you all with one of my favorite personal blunders:
When I met the rapper Eve, I was getting my makeup done in the chair next to hers for my television show. I started singing her song in front of her. It just slipped; it had been in my head, and I wasn’t thinking, because I was daydreaming, as the usual.
Thankfully she laughed and I didn’t sound so terrible.
Here;’s to inserting one’s foot in mouth: may the foot be clean, and a little tasty!