Dear Toddler: How You Can be a Better Child for me. Love, Mommy

Don’t get me wrong. My daughter is a seriously awesome little toddler, but there’s always room for improvement, right? Come on, even though every mom thinks her kids’ shits are better than gold, we all know that it’s never too late to work towards perfection, heh heh.

I mean, we parents are bombarded with manuals, books, articles, and seminars on how to be better parents. Aren’t we fantastic as we are? What about a little acceptance man?

Here’s my How to be a Better Child Guide.If I have to read manuals,articles, blogs, and recommendations, it’s time my kid follows suit.

#1 Acknowledge My Feelings

Today my child threw her pancakes on the floor. I was not happy. I said, “Mommy is not happy. Mommy is mad. You made a bad choice. I’m disappointed.”

She smiles until of course, I tell her she has to stay in her high chair while I clean her mess. *another way to be an awesome child is to not throw your damn food, but we will get to that shortly.

I say, “Mommy is mad.”

“No! No!” she shrieks from her chair!

No matter what I say, she says no to me. I feel like I am with a man–another person who doesn’t know how to acknowledge my feelings.

I am told to acknowledge my child when she has a temper tantrum or feels blue. How about she does the same for me, right? I scratch your back, and you scratch mine kid.

#2 Don’t throw food. Your mommy is a terrible cook

There is nothing more horrifying–minus discovering you missed a few pubes while shaving or realizing you are wearing your shirt on backwards–then watching in nail-biting slow motion while your child throws his or her food on the floor.

Listen ladies. I am not like the Pinterest mommies who bake and cook and do it with ease. It takes effort, serious Superman-like effort for me to whip up a decent meal. I finally started getting the hang of some 4 ingredient crock-pot recipes and learned where my broiler is (although I have yet to use it). It takes work when I hand her over a meal that may just take the average female a second to make, while they’re whipping up homemade soups, casseroles, and bread all in a matter of mere seconds.

When my child throws food on the floor, not only do I dread cleaning it, but I also dread the fact that whether later on or now, I will have to cook, again.

While I have to accept the fact that you my child, are short and have the patience of a flea, you must accept the fact that you weren’t blessed with Martha Stewart or even a mid-level chef for your mother. Eat every last drop of food, and don’t complain!

#3 Don’t ask to go on the potty after you’ve pooped, just to see Youtube videos.

Look kid. You’re short. You’re small. You will probably end up going to the prom in your rear-facing car seat, which only means I don’t have to worry about teenage pregnancy. If you would like to get a date before you are 30, please poop on the potty…not right before you go on, and then ask me to show you YouTube videos of Bert and Ernie and/or Charlie Brown. I get your game. You just want to watch the damn videos and have me change your diapers for the rest of eternity.

Just get ready for when I am back in diapers. I get constipated easily, and I will hold the largest poops just for you darling.

The final way you can be a better child…

#4 Stop paying attention to your dad all the time.

I know you’re a girl and that it’s normal to be obsessed with your father, but I suffered through hell for you. I was in the hospital for about 35 days with you, and barely ate. Truth be told, I was scared shitless of dying, and my resting heart rate after lying in bed for weeks was a 150. Yeah, I was not in good shape.

So just remember that when you’re showering your dad with love and ignoring me. He only had to make a quick deposit. Yup, it’s that easy for men.

Also, one day when you get your period and are moody and desperate for French onion dip and end up eating a whole bag of potato chips, just remember who will calm your father down once he realizes he is out of chips. Just remember who will buy you your first bra. Who will be there to show you how to put on makeup–I could teach you to wear tacky hot-pink lipstick with bright green eyeshadow if you keep favoring your father you know– it won’t be your dad.

If you remember this, I promise to never let you go out looking like a fool with a bra way too small or big, or in hideous tacky makeup. I also promise to let you eat all of your father’s junk food too when you’re PMSing, as long as you share some with me.

It’s wise to side with your mother as we truly are the ones who rule the house my dear. A penis-owning person merely believes he is in charge because testosterone causes men to experience senility faster. It’s mere survival of the fittest kid;stick with your mom.

7 thoughts on “Dear Toddler: How You Can be a Better Child for me. Love, Mommy

  1. Emma Duncan says:

    Ha! I hate cooking too! I’ve put some easy recipes on my blog to trick people but I really really hate doing it. IT’S BORING AND POINTLESS because whatever you cook they hate it. Rant over. Good post!

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