Want a Job? Bend Over: What it Takes to Get Hired

In Uncategorized on February 15, 2013 at 6:17 pm

So you say you’d like a job, would you?

Are you willing to give the President head and shine his shoes, all while extolling your new Master’s Degree and excelling at every Microsoft office and Adobe product known to mankind?

Do you have good knee pads? Will you be willing to blow the whole staff, on top of budgeting the company’s expenses, serving everyone coffee, creating all marketing materials, and doing this for a miraculous fee of 30,000 K a year?

In today’s day and age, employers are basically demanding that you are a MENSA-certified genius with impeccable computer skills in every single possible facet imaginable, while asking that you work for pay that will allow you the luxury of eating Ramen Pride for the rest of your life, and wiping your ass with the cheapest stiffest toilet paper known on the planet.

I hope it feels good.

Oh wait, you have a degree from one of the best colleges in the nation, an interesting resume, some experience, and a great ass?

That’s too bad.

1,000 other people in their twenties without experience and just an average degree will work for ten dollars an hour, and put out.

Employers want their cake and rolls buttered. It’s not enough to have potential, because you have to have proof. No one invests in anyone anymore, and I can even stretch that to include personal relationships. 

The workforce cannot look outside of the box, despite its penchant for claiming that you–potential employee–should be able to! They cannot make connections between current job expectations and your past experience. 

My advice to any stay-at-home mom? Get some work experience however you can. Don’t wait, because the workforce will not welcome you with open arms. They will see you as having no viable skills whatsoever, because the workforce is a cold Nazi. Unless your husband or wife is totally Kosher with you staying home forever or you’ve got incredible finances or a trust fund, or an absolute 100% guaranteed job to go back to, find some way, even if it is small, to make some money, whether it’s from home, or outside the home.

As a part-time worker, I have stay current in the workforce, even though I am mostly at home. It is still incredibly difficult to find full-time work. 

This economy is a nasty ho, and she only puts out if you’ll do it for cheap.

At this point. I am seriously considering becoming a dominatrix. 

Why not? No benefits, but hey, the pay is good, I can use my “people” skills and general bossiness to good use, and I’d get to wear latex, leather, and vinyl. I might get a little sweaty, but hey, you’ve got to put some elbow grease into your work these days. I am in good shape, and someone’s gotta like me.

Just think of how “interesting” my resume would be then! If folks tell me that now, I can only imagine what they would think.

Hey, and think of all the networking I would be doing!
In my opinion, I think people should be allowed to pay for whatever they want, whether it’s for sex, general torture, or commerce.  As far as I’m concerned, it’s none of my business, as long as no minors are involved, and no one is being hurt (unless it really turns them on.)

I better act fast before I become totally hideous and decrepit…no one wants Grandma bossing them around in a latex jumpsuit…

unless they’re into Grandma’s, but that’s for someone else to blog about.

  1. That is exactly what I have been seeing on my job hunt. It’s even worse trying to get into a completely different field from where I was going before. Part-time? Better be available 19 hours a day but only work 15-20 hrs weekly, and love putting your family’s needs below the needs of the business that doesn’t even cover daycare. Full-time? Set up a cot and a coffee pot. You’re not leaving, but no OT, and don’t ask for time off. Flex schedules only bend one way.

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