frommtvtomommy

On the Rag: Why Life can be so Unfair!

In Uncategorized on February 17, 2013 at 2:39 am

Boo, fucking hoo. It’s my party and I will cry if I want to bitches, and cry indeed I will.

Let me lament, for you see, I feel the need to whine like a total baby.

I’m hormonal and no, I’m not bitchy, but I am very hungry, and I highly suggest you do not take a bite from my food. I’m a skinny bitch, and I don’t like to share.

Anyway, I digress.

Here are a few reasons why I feel like life can truly suck, and I need to vent before I explode in a cacophony of menstral-ocity, which isn’t a word, but screw everyone because most people have crappy grammar anyway, and I deal with it.

I hope you can lament with me, or at least throw a few complaints my way, or just share this blog and feed my need to feel important!

Reason #1 why life can blow a pile of dirty penises:

Potty Time

When my daughter poops or pees on the potty, someone rewards her with chocolate or ice cream.

When I poop on the potty, I pray I won’t need a sitz bath afterwards.

No one showers with me with compliments or tells me how cute I look while I grunt.

Life is truly UNFAIR!

Thankfully I have no hemorrhoids, and a very cute butt, for now.

I imagine the clock is ticking and eventually when I am 80, it will be a field day for Preparation H.

Reason #2 why life can suck the big one:

Cute 22 Year old Boys

Cute 22 year-old boys will talk and flirt with me, but I cannot have sex with them because I’m married.

They’re also too young, but age is just a number, right? Right?

Someone say yes.

Oh for the love of the Baby Jesus, please stop sending these young men my way. It is an unfair temptation for me that I cannot act on, and I feel I would simply pervert these guys anyway.

Life is truly unfair when you have to say no to the booty.

Reason #3 why time on this earth can suck eggs

Annoying Grocery Shoppers

I was in the grocery store the other day when much to my disgust, some stupid woman stood in the middle of the frozen aisle while talking to her friend about some major life event like, blow drying her hair or bleaching her anus.

She stood there and chatted away while the rest of us poor, tired, and irritated people just waited for her burgeoning ass to move.

Finally, after the conclusion, in which she figured out the proper way to whiten her heiney-hole, she hung up her phone and let the rest of the world move on.

Life sucks because I could not punch her in the throat, when truly, she deserved a punch. If not in the throat, at least in the head.

Reason # 4 why jumping off a bridge sounds fun

parental advice when not wanted

I am on the phone with my mom when she hears my child having a temper tantrum over something so ridiculous, I should have sent her to India to participate in a sweatshop. Maybe then she might appreciate all the hard work I do for her! Ungrateful 22 month-old.

Anywhoo, my mom tells me what to do with my kid. Starts warning me of the dangers of what might possibly happen if I don’t do X or Y or Z.

She might become–gasp-me!

Life blows because my mother was right. Life is a piece of cocky because I can’t yell at my mom and tell her she already raised four kids, and totally screwed up with me, so don’t offer me advice because she’s 74 and awesome, and I love her, and she should have sold me to India for slave labor.

I would have gotten into less trouble.

And maybe I am not that bad anyway.

The final reason why life is so traumatic that psychiatric hospitals sounds comfortable and sweet:

relationship neglect:

Once you have been in a relationship for awhile, people seem to forget how awesome and cute you are, and never tell you how fucking faaabulous you truly are.

When I was in my twenties and not in a relationship, I got disgusted when men whistled at me in the city.

Now as long as they aren’t feeling me up, it’s free game.

Thank you  numerous men at the gym for telling me  in a non-slimy way that I look great, even if you haven’t spent enough time with me for me to totally piss you off, and make you forget my cuteness.

My flailing ego thanks you.

Signed,

My Menstrual Cycle

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