You Cry Baby! Appropriate places to get all gushy

Some of us are  just too damn emotional. Yeah, yeah you know it. Estrogen and progesterone combine to make some of us–read me–a bunch of wet tissues and red-rimmed eyes.

I can’t be the only one who has emotional moments. Have you ever been dumped? Shit on during bad German porn? Left at the altar? Divorced because you partner decided to have a mid-life crisis or follow some white guy guru who claims to have the key to connecting with your higher power? Stained a new shirt? Had a bad hair day? Had terrible sex? Or no sex? Has your vagina only seen the action of a Tampax? Has your penis seen your sock more than a woman’s thighs? Has your favorite television show been canceled? Did you have to sit next to a smelly homeless guy on a subway? Did you ever have someone put a booger on you?

If you answered yes, you may need to cry. You may need to weep like an old lady at a funeral. There’s nothing wrong with shedding some tears. Think of all the songs that have been written about crying.

The problem becomes when you cry in appropriate places. Let me give you some examples of places where you should cry…and places where you shouldn’t.

1-The Gym

I cried in the middle of my workout as I ran on the treadmill. I made the very large man who was working on his pecs, very uncomfortable. I think he may have gone to the bathroom to shoot up more testosterone, or possibly adjust his balls. Either way, crying in the middle of the gym is a bad idea. This isn’t Rocky or Vision Quest. Quit the wet face, pussy.

Alternative appropriate place to cry: In the woods

Take a run in the woods and cry while listening to Barbara Streisand. Just be sure to not drown yourself in a river. That’s rather dramatic darling/

2-During sex

While I know sometimes sex can be very bad–I know that sounds difficult to imagine, but sometimes it’s more than just painful. It’s god-effin’ awful…when you sit and wait with bated breath for it to end, that’s a sign it sucks.

Either way, crying during sex because your dad didn’t/doesn’t love you, or because you were traumatized when you caught your brother masturbating and now your partner’s penis looks like your brother’s penis, is not a good time to cry.

If you are feeling traumatized, try a nice vibrator (which always works and never is too tired to go down on you), or for the men, try your hand or a blow-up doll. At least she won’t tell you she has a headache again.

Alternative appropriate place to cry: watching porn

Have you ever seen how hard some of those women work? Cry for them. That’s gotta be tiring.

3- While shopping

If you are so upset and distraught that picking out workout clothes at the Sports Authority or picking out a new novel to read can’t distract you from sobbing like you just watched Steel Magnolias, you need to stay home. You need to stay home and medicate yourself. If you disagree with me, call a local psychiatrist. Thanks.

alternative appropriate place to cry: friend’s shoulder

Life can truly suck sometimes. It can be worse than smelling the sweaty testicles of a monkey. You may really have every reason to drop all kinds of antidepressants and seek help. No shame in that. If you can’t afford real help, recruit a very nice friend who wears bad clothes, and slobber all over his or her clothes. Try not to get too much snot on their outfits though, otherwise your friends will kick you to the curb.

4-Final place to not cry.

In front of your in-laws, ex-boyfriend’s, old employers (never cry at work anyway), grumpy female friends who tend to PMS hardcore (potential bitches) or other potential unknown enemies.

It’s not cute looking weak in front of those who may or may not really like you. Why? Because they are just waiting for you to fail. They don’t like you and will really get off on seeing you upset. They will attack you when you are down and enjoy every minute.

Instead, you should be the better person, and give these people the finger when they are not looking. Slashing tires may be appropriate when an ex is involved. Seek friends’ opinions when deciding on such drastic measures.

alternative appropriate place to cry: your parents

They are stuck with you whether they want to be or not, and they may not like being stuck with you despite what they lead you to believe. Either way, corner one of your parents and cry like a little bitch for as long as you like. They are entitled to listen and watch while you cry. They are not allowed to tell you to put on your big girl or boy panties. If they tell you that, remind them that they are the reason you are so fucked up in the first place.

Love, me.

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