A Few Signs that You may have a Toddler

There are a few signs that a woman may indeed, own a toddler.

If you enter her home and you see large splotches of food on her table, chairs, and floor, she may indeed, have a toddler in the home.

If she then goes to stick her head in an over, she absolutely has a toddler in the home.

If she starts to talk to you in a slow manner, telling you that something you are doing may or may not be a “good choice,” she definitely owns a toddler.

If she looks like a mental patient or disheveled like she’s had a one-night stand and is now attempting the infamous “walk of shame,” she has a toddler within arm’s reach.

Toddlers are adorable, fun, spirited, and amazing little energies.

They’re also moody, bi-polar, and sometimes, a bit aggressive.

My daughter changes her mind about food items within seconds.

“I want it.”

“I don’t want it.”

“I want it.”

If this is what grownup females happen to be like,  I feel bad for men. How can choosing between pancakes or cereal be that difficult? I would answer the question except for I myself, may have a tough time deciding.

Toddlers think everything is “mine.”

Really, I want to remind my kid that nothing is hers until mommy or daddy buys it…so technically it’s “mine,” although I’m not so sure I would look very cute carrying a burp cloth around with pictures of trucks embroidered all over.

A sign that a woman may be the mother of a toddler is the numerous stickers stuck all over her furniture. If you go to use her toilet paper, you may see Dora or Cinderella staring at you from the toilet paper holder. If you sit up to pull up your pants, you may have just sat on Dora’s face…

Let’s not even go there.

If a woman is covering her ears and hiding in a corner, she may indeed have a toddler.

Toddlers can be affectionate and sweet, yet they can also be pushy, bossy, and demanding.

Apparently, the type of cup my daughter drinks her milk or water in is very important. I get requests like I am a line cook. This isn’t the damn diner kid, drink your milk in whatever cup is clean…apparently that’s all I need to be mother of the year.

There’s an utter joy in parenting a toddler. It’s never dull, and the highs are intense, and the lows, challenging. Maybe I enjoy this because I have some sick codependent desire to deal with mentally fragile people, or maybe I just cannot help loving the kid who throws every piece of food onto the floor right as I am telling her not to…only for her to tell me, “I’m sorry I threw the food on the floor mommy.”

Maybe I am just a masochist or a sucker for kids with big pot bellies, skinny legs, and dirty hands.

I love my indecisive, food-throwing, no-shouting, restaurant-running around, child.

She’s my maniac, and I claim her.

Hopefully she will take good care of me when I’m older and the people in coats take me away…

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Notes from a Gym Yenta

Hi.

I am your friendly Gym Yenta, here to tell you a few things to either A: not do during your work out or B: to avoid when at the gym.

Yenta: (yen-tah) a Yiddish word for an old Gossip.

 

I feel my advice is absolutely pertinent because I am 100 pounds of muscle, and 50 pounds of big mouth.

For some reason, even though I have excellent form, no one wants to take workout advice from a peanut. Fools.

Listen to my warnings and advice, and you will find yourself in a zen moment when at the gym…

#1 Dumb Ass: Quit hanging on to the treadmill while you walk/run

Unless you are checking your heart rate, don’t hang on to the treadmill. Not only are you not working as hard because you’re using your upper body to keep you going, but you would also get a better workout if you slowed down your speed, and relied on your core/legs, etc to keep you going.

Don’t hang. You are NOT a monkey–you’re a human.

#2 Wear Sneakers and Gym Pants

Look, not everyone has money to drop on a pair of cool gym kicks, nor does everyone have the desire to rock Adidas, UnderArmour, etc…I get it. However, working out in your flip flops is just asking someone to drop a large 50 lb weight on your foot…or for you to slip will walking on the treadmill.

And how in God’s name, does anyone move properly in jeans? I mean, jeans don’t breathe very well, so I can’t imagine your balls being too comfy as you exercise in your jeans.

Please leave the leather at home also.

If you think I am kidding you, I am not.

#3 More Fashion advice from a big mouth Yenta:

Please don’t wear anything that shows off your testicles. I am sure you have fathered many children with possibly, many women, but I don’t need to see your nuts.

Thanks.

#4 Bad Pick-up Lines

The other day, a man told me he liked the way I text. Really? If this is what men are using to try and get into a woman’s pants these days, I imagine there will be a rise in lesbianism, which is already a good idea considering the lack of quality men in this world.

If you want to talk to a woman while working out, a hello is much better than telling someone she texts nicely. My other real favorite is “Oh you’re lifting heavy over there!”

Dummy, I am small. I know I am not lifting heavy weights, and so do you. Your little comment is so cliché; everyone likes to comment on the peanut using the Smith machine. Find something basic like hello, or original like, “When you lift, you never have a constipated face like everyone else. It’s so charming.”

#5 Slow Down, Speedy

If you are lifting your weights with the speed of a cokehead, you need to slow down. If you are jerking your weights around like you’re doing some tribal dance, you need to consult a trainer to help you with proper form. Lower the pound, and slow down on the movements pal.

#6 Smelly and Stinky

Please do not have a cigarette right before you enter the gym, and also, avoid the perfume. I can’t breathe when your stinky butt is around me, and nor can anyone else. Sure, it’s a free country and you can smoke or wear as much Chanel No. 5 as you like, but no one likes you. We think you smell. Have a cigarette in your car or wear perfume to your prom, not to my gym.

#7 Put Back your weights

When I have to move a total of 300 pounds off a machine in order to use it, I basically just burned about 600 calories. If you’re not strong enough to put the weights you used back, lower the amount of weight or be prepared to have me smush you with the stuff you left for me to put away. I move my weights–move yours!

#8 Wipe, wipe, wipe

You are sweaty and nasty. I don’t want all of your bacteria on the machines I am using. Clean it up, douche. For all I know, you may have left some of your sperm in your sweat sample and I would prefer to not mingle with your DNA.

I hope you all enjoyed this tips from a Gym Yenta who has belonged to a total of 9 gyms.

Do yourself a favor and look around the next time you’re exercising…you’re bound to see some funny stuff!

Lemons

I have  a lemon. It’s not what I wanted. I wanted a shiny new peach. Or a beautiful ripe plum.

Instead, I have a lemon. I can throw it, smash it, cut it, or instead squeeze the juice and drink a rather bitter lemonade.

I only have this lemon, but something will come from it eventually. The juicing will teach me something. I will make something good come from this lemon.

It is so hard to remember when things are so damn bleak to find anything remotely good about the situation. As people, it’s natural for us to get caught up in emotions….and fear. I am weak to this just as any other human is, but I need to remember that I will get something from this experience, possibly even more than I did from the happy ones, despite the pain I am enduring now.

I have a lemon, and this half-assed lemonade.

It’s a bitter juice, but at least I’m not thirsty anymore.

For Your Daughter

If a man is not good enough for your daughter, he is not good enough for you.

Remember this mantra when you are dating, married, or single with just a wee vibrator and Haagen-Daas to get you through the night.

We women rationalize and excuse too much, and expect too little.

Consider this the next time you spend any significant time with a partner.

I will be back darlings for more delicious dish on life and what have you. I’ve been busy, but haven’t forgotten you all.