I am your friendly Gym Yenta, here to tell you a few things to either A: not do during your work out or B: to avoid when at the gym.
Yenta: (yen-tah) a Yiddish word for an old Gossip.
I feel my advice is absolutely pertinent because I am 100 pounds of muscle, and 50 pounds of big mouth.
For some reason, even though I have excellent form, no one wants to take workout advice from a peanut. Fools.
Listen to my warnings and advice, and you will find yourself in a zen moment when at the gym…
#1 Dumb Ass: Quit hanging on to the treadmill while you walk/run
Unless you are checking your heart rate, don’t hang on to the treadmill. Not only are you not working as hard because you’re using your upper body to keep you going, but you would also get a better workout if you slowed down your speed, and relied on your core/legs, etc to keep you going.
Don’t hang. You are NOT a monkey–you’re a human.
#2 Wear Sneakers and Gym Pants
Look, not everyone has money to drop on a pair of cool gym kicks, nor does everyone have the desire to rock Adidas, UnderArmour, etc…I get it. However, working out in your flip flops is just asking someone to drop a large 50 lb weight on your foot…or for you to slip will walking on the treadmill.
And how in God’s name, does anyone move properly in jeans? I mean, jeans don’t breathe very well, so I can’t imagine your balls being too comfy as you exercise in your jeans.
Please leave the leather at home also.
If you think I am kidding you, I am not.
#3 More Fashion advice from a big mouth Yenta:
Please don’t wear anything that shows off your testicles. I am sure you have fathered many children with possibly, many women, but I don’t need to see your nuts.
#4 Bad Pick-up Lines
The other day, a man told me he liked the way I text. Really? If this is what men are using to try and get into a woman’s pants these days, I imagine there will be a rise in lesbianism, which is already a good idea considering the lack of quality men in this world.
If you want to talk to a woman while working out, a hello is much better than telling someone she texts nicely. My other real favorite is “Oh you’re lifting heavy over there!”
Dummy, I am small. I know I am not lifting heavy weights, and so do you. Your little comment is so cliché; everyone likes to comment on the peanut using the Smith machine. Find something basic like hello, or original like, “When you lift, you never have a constipated face like everyone else. It’s so charming.”
#5 Slow Down, Speedy
If you are lifting your weights with the speed of a cokehead, you need to slow down. If you are jerking your weights around like you’re doing some tribal dance, you need to consult a trainer to help you with proper form. Lower the pound, and slow down on the movements pal.
#6 Smelly and Stinky
Please do not have a cigarette right before you enter the gym, and also, avoid the perfume. I can’t breathe when your stinky butt is around me, and nor can anyone else. Sure, it’s a free country and you can smoke or wear as much Chanel No. 5 as you like, but no one likes you. We think you smell. Have a cigarette in your car or wear perfume to your prom, not to my gym.
#7 Put Back your weights
When I have to move a total of 300 pounds off a machine in order to use it, I basically just burned about 600 calories. If you’re not strong enough to put the weights you used back, lower the amount of weight or be prepared to have me smush you with the stuff you left for me to put away. I move my weights–move yours!
#8 Wipe, wipe, wipe
You are sweaty and nasty. I don’t want all of your bacteria on the machines I am using. Clean it up, douche. For all I know, you may have left some of your sperm in your sweat sample and I would prefer to not mingle with your DNA.
I hope you all enjoyed this tips from a Gym Yenta who has belonged to a total of 9 gyms.
Do yourself a favor and look around the next time you’re exercising…you’re bound to see some funny stuff!