Of all the Charlie Browns: Im the Charlie Browniest. Contemplation on Self-Doubt

Linus once told Charlie Brown,”Of all the Charlie Browns, you’re the Charlie Browniest.”

What does that mean? Well, it means one is riddled with self-doubt, anxiety, and depression.

It’s when you feel like nothing could go right and you haven’t even gotten out of bed to ruin your spouse or kid’s lives yet.

I kid.

In all seriousness, let’s get down to the matter. You see, on social media, I am supposed to tell everyone how AWESOME my life is, and that I couldn’t be happier. I am supposed to post pictures of my child smiling happily, the treats I “bake” her, marital photos in which my partner and I look like we are stoned on love, and shots of me jumping through a field of wheat, in which I look like I am back on the prairie.

No one wants to see photos of people fighting, children crying, wrist slashing, or drunken dancing.

I’m not supposed to share that I am riddled with self-doubt. I am supposed to tell everyone that since I am an adult, my life is so magnificent, and I’ve got it all figured out.

I don’t. And the majority of my Facebook and Twitter friends don’t either. Sure, they may be happier or just more blissfully ignorant, (I wish I were like this!) but no one has it all figured out.

It’s not as if I am sitting here on the toilet bowl, pushing out a doodie and crying about how my life sucks so bad that I should just lock myself in the attic and not come down until the next presidential election. Instead, I am wondering profusely if I am taking my life in the correct direction, and trying to make myself a happy and contented life–for my daughter as well.

I can’t stand that so many people pass themselves all off as these self-contented little happy twits. I just wish one day I could actually hear what people really think, and see posts of what people really say to their children all day.

Last week, I really felt like I was going to snap. I was alone constantly with my daughter, and so she decided it might be really sweet to have a bunch of temper tantrums. She’s 2, and it’s basically in her job description and resume: Have strong opinions, will tantrum. References available upon request.

I just felt like I was getting it all wrong. I tried redirecting her, ignoring her, and sometimes I even–gasp, yelled at her. Not often as I am not a believer of yelling, but I got to the point in which I felt like, “Why can’t you just be obedient, child?” To which I then looked at myself, and remembered that I am the same woman who stated in her marital vows that I would “not be obedient. I’m not a dog. I’m a person.”

The fact is she is a very good kid, and people tell me this all the time, but of course she tests me the most. I’m her mom. This is also in her resume: Ability to Drive Mom Crazy. Tests Adult Patience.

I just felt like, maybe I don’t know what the hell I am doing. Should anyone even trust me with a Sea Monkey?

Her dad doesn’t have these moments it seems, which then makes me feel worse, until I realize that he is with her 20% of the time, and I’m with her 80%.

I’m also grappling with a big life choice. It’s made me a bit pissy and anxious. I’ve sometimes felt the need to just not talk to people because I don’t want to bother anyone, or accidentally snap at them. It’s not personal, but I’m just processing many things at once.

I just have to wonder if I am doing it right. Life, that is. Career, creative, love, and parenthood.

I think I have some of it right, but then again, I’m sure I have some of it wrong. I guess I wouldn’t be so endearing and cute if I didn’t feel a little self-doubt. Who’s Woody Allen without his compulsive pondering? Who’s Charlie without wondering if he will kick the football this time?

I see people that seem to have it so easy–appearances are always deceiving–and I can’t help but wonder if maybe there is something I can do to make things easier for myself that I haven’t figured out yet.

And while I’d like to elaborate more, I have a pint-sized peanut shouting “Mooooommy, Moooomy.”

That’s my name these days.

It’s almost strange to hear my first name lately.

It’s almost naughty and dirty sounding. Ooh, talk dirty to me. Just don’t say the word “No”…I hear it all day long!

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It’s Hug A Sexy Nice Guy Day: Don’t Date Douchebags

I recognize this may be an unfair post as there are plenty of chicks who suck, but this time I am writing to address the issues with the men folk. Don’t worry my male followers: I will write a counterpiece about avoiding female freaks as well. I wouldn’t want to upset any of you precious things.

If you are single and dating, there are a few guys you should stay clear away from. It saddens me to have to write this, but some people don’t know a jerk even if he’s got a gun in your back, so I figured that since the internet is so full of useful information, why shouldn’t I help folks out by creating large stereotypes of men to avoid in a list format?

#1 Owes Child Support

If your dude owes child support, he is a twat. There is no excuse on earth why a man should not pay his child support. It is his kid. Whether he wants the child or not, he did the deed, so he’s got to back himself up. Unless he is terminally ill or mentally impaired to a severe degree, he better pay his child support.

Do you want to be his Baby Momma and watch when he doesn’t pay your sorry butt?

Plenty of men dodge child support. Each and every one of them is a douche. Unless a DNA test convicts you of such responsibilities, you better pay the piper Peter.

#2 Cocky Guy

Everyone knows Cocky Guy. He always shows off the newest recent addition to his muscular system.

“Look at this…I’m really cut.”

Cocky Guy likes to brag about all the wonderful things he is doing,  because of course, he’s so fantastic.

Cocky Guy is often good-looking and smart enough to try and pull this garbage, however don’t get caught in his handsome trap. He’s better off with a full-view mirror of himself and his hand.

We all know what he can do with that hand.

Wave Bye-Bye to Cocky Dude.

#3  I’m just Living with my Mother for now…

Some guys deserve to live with their mothers without harassment. If he’s in college, a recent graduate, ill, or caring for his mom, or legitimately saving for a house, then it’s okay for him to shack up with his mom. Besides, the economy is killer lately. However, there are some men who live with their mothers…for forever. They don’t do laundry, they’ve never cooked a meal, and their mothers probably wipe their butts and tie their shoes for them.

His mother will mostly likely have an unhealthy attraction to her son, and will walk around in a mumu and cap on her head all day, following her son around with food requests.

She will most likely call her son a pet name, and will hate you upon sight. She will tie her son up in his bed at night so he doesn’t leave, and cry if he asks to pee alone.

Okay, so some of that is true. You decide what.

If a guy doesn’t want to move out because he lives above his means or has decided that hard work sucks or he will miss his mumsy too much, you need to leave town fast otherwise you will end up tying his shoes and wiping his pee-pee too, sweetheart.

#4 Closeted ( A special section for my gay friends)

If a guy is closeted, you ought to run screaming. Do you really want to sleep with someone who cries afterwards? Or walks by you and denies he knows you?

I’m not saying he needs to be singing Judy Garland or wearing a pink feather boa, but he should be comfortable and aware of his own sexuality. You are with yours, so why do you need to coax someone out of his shell? The best arrangement here is to be his friend until he has accepted himself.

** Ladies, if you suspect a guy is gay, you need to realize that your equipment won’t cut it. After awhile, he is going to be unhappy, and unless you feel like wearing a strap-on, he won’t fall for you. Become his friend and enjoy that!

#5 Arrogant Prick

We all know Arrogant Prick. He is different from Cocky Guy; Cocky Guy is usually more bold, foolish, and vain. Arrogant Prick is quietly mean and disdainful of everyone who doesn’t measure up to his insane standards. Apparently, we all lost the memo that he’s God, and the rest of us are just the bitches doing his dirty work.

Arrogant Prick will always point out your friends’ and family’s flaws, all the while silently tsk-tsking you. He has ideas about what you should do, be, and look like, and all of this will run contrary to your own desires about how you should live. He is a pompous ass and most likely small in the pants. In which case, you should doubly run.

I thank you all for taking the time to read with me on this serious matter. Too many women and men fall for scumbags when they could be giving a nice guy a chance. Let’s all do our part to severely beat these jerks, and champion the men with dignity, class, and respect.

Hug a sexy nice guy today in honor of “Hug a Sexy Nice Guy” day.

They need love too.

Kisses,

Me

5 Ways to make family members, In-laws, or other people you cannot stand, leave you alone

When someone in or around your family hates you or annoys the living shit out of you, there is very little you can do unless you feel like putting in serious jail time or being ex-communicated from the rest of your family, which depending on your family, you may very well want to do.

Instead, here are some sure-fire ways to ensure these people leave you alone for good.

Warning: don’t try this at home unless you’re over 18.

#1-Commit Yourself

When you can’t handle your father in-law’s droning or your own mother’s cackle, proceed to commit yourself to a mental institution. No one will visit you there…not even your husband or wife. The food isn’t great, and I’m not sure you will have much time for conjugal visits if he or she does come, but you will get good drugs and space from people you don’t like. Hell, you can walk around in your wife beater and bunny slippers all day and you’ll simply fit in.

#2 Drink Heavily

No one likes a drunk after awhile. The first few times might be funny, but after awhile, you’re simply deadweight that pukes in other people’s homes,apartments, or cars, or you’re the one friend everyone grits his or her teeth when you open your mouth. No one will want to smell your vodka-tainted breath, and see your eyeliner smeared-lipstick on the teeth face ever again.

Trust me, your family or in-laws, or other people that annoy you will never speak to you again.

#3 Fake Alzheimer’s Disease

You will become too costly to care for, and to loopy to bother with. You will end up in a strange home, but maybe you will make some friends who will forget everything mean that you say and do, and will never call you by your first name, which means you won’t be accountable for anything.

#4 Play Dead

When a dog surrenders, it will play dead. Try it. Lie down during the middle of an argument and play dead like a dog. Chances are, the person or people will stop bugging you.

If that doesn’t work, really play dead.

#5 Runaway

You will miss the people you like, but you will find new friends, and a new husband or wife. Runaway for good. Join the circus. Become a gypsy. Whatever you do, just run…and never be faced with that ass or pest again.

These techniques are not to be tried by the faint-hearted. If you want to drink heavily, please be sure you’re 21, or at least don’t tell anyone you got the idea from me.

Excuse me now, I am going to get on my bunny slippers, mumu, and hang out with the rest of the happily crazed people.

Are you going to always be this way? I love you, but change.

It’s the same old song and dance. You get married or you get into a partnership/relationship of sorts, and as time wears on, there’s often this one statement that pops to the surface:

“I don’t like X or Y about you…I thought you would be different…”

“I wish you could change…I love you but, X, Y, or Z is driving me nuts…”

Sometimes, the person wants you to change something small that is possible for you to do, and at other times, someone might ask you to change something about yourself that is inextricably linked to your personhood, and impossible to be divorced from.

Or maybe you are the culprit. Maybe you want your partner to change something that is impossible for him or her to change.

Broadway shows, self-help books, and tons of comedians have deal with this topic: I love you, now change, Bitch.

It’s almost as if the things we once found attractive about someone become offensive and scalding to our sensibilities. Or our partner starts to become so skeeved out by the things she once really liked about you. Maybe it’s because opposites attract…to a point. At some point maybe they simply just repel? Maybe opposites work until the orgasms stop coming so quickly, or when things get stressful? Does this mean opposites can’t work? No, I’m not saying that, but the question is: why do people start to want their partners to be different? Why do we expect or ask others to change? Why are we suddenly bothered by something in our lovers that didn’t bother us before?

I suspect that this desire isn’t that you didn’t love or don’t love the person per se, but maybe we change…and as we change and grow, our needs from a person changes, and therefore what we once found cute/sexy/attractive becomes no longer attractive anymore. Suddenly we need something different. Well isn’t that a bitch, because you choose someone based on who he or she was when you met that person.

Example: If your husband is a sullen guy and you were into sullen because it was during your emo stage, well don’t be pissed that he’s still crying into napkins and you’re over emo and into something else. Now you want a funny guy. Well guess what Ex-Emo chick? You picked sullen dude. He can’t change. Sure, he might be able to crack a smile or attempt a knock-knock joke, but don’t expect him to be Happy Dude. He’s sullen guy.

Or perhaps your wife was a loudmouth when you met her. Perhaps she was a big loudmouth who liked going out and partying. Don’t expect loudmouth party chick to all of a sudden become the Martha Stewart your mother has been hoping for all these years.

The fact is, relationships are so hard because we change as individuals over time, and all you can do is hope that both partners grow at a suitable or similar pace to each other, towards each other.

Maybe you want religion in  your life and you started out in your relationship as an atheist. Maybe you were a sexually shy and permissive type and as you got older, you came into your own and now you want more of a variety from your partner. Maybe your partner was a quiet type who often let you lead things/plans/life, and now he or she has grown more confident and wants you to hold back while he or she lets rip.

There are so many different scenarios that follow couples on this journey through life that it makes monogamy, marriage, and coupledom so very hard. The traits you once loved from someone as your partner may not be the same traits you like when that person becomes a parent with you…shares bills with you…and daily bullshit with you. Everything is romantic when it ends either at midnight or the next morning as you do the walk of shame home. Nothing is romantic when it is in the morning, on weekends, at night, and all day, every day. It is work. It is a job, and if you don’t like this particular job, it’s one you ought to quit before everyone is miserable.

I think it’s also easy for us to assume that our partner would just change if he or she loved us enough, but that’s bullshit too. When I think of who I am as a person now and reflect upon who I was at age 6, guess what? There are a lot of similarities. I’m still outspoken, sweet, and friendly. I don’t wet my bed anymore, and I have grown more anxious over time, however, that core individual still exists. I will always be sensitive. I will always be outgoing. This doesn’t mean that there aren’t things I can change about myself, but that I have accepted that there are some things that won’t budge.

When it comes down to core personality traits, your partner will not change. I’m sorry, but it’s true. Sullen Dude will not become Happy Dude unless Sullen Dude has been depressed for a particular reason or just temporarily been sad. If he has always been sullen and subdued, this will not change.

If you want someone to kick a bad habit, work on compromising more, listen more attentively, or try to pick up after him or herself, you can probably find success, but if you want someone who is different than the person you signed up for, you need to leave.

Life’s little BS’s change us as well. Happy Dude may become Sullen Guy after losing a job…or experiencing a loss in the family. This is temporary and can be worked through. This stuff happens constantly in relationships. It’s a never ending cycle of life’s up’s and down’s…it’s not the romantic passion you watch on television. Getting someone through a rough period is worth it and mandatory if you want to be in a committed relationship. Expecting a guy who has refused treatment for his depression is whole life…is not something to be worked through. That’s something that won’t change until he wants it to.

My message is simply, if you are unhappy and want your partner to change, ask yourself if this is a trait or situation that has always been true for your partner, or is just a temporary state? Is this a lifelong trait, or a bad habit? How eager is the person to change? Am I asking too much? And then, look at yourself.

Are you happy with yourself? Is there some thing or things you need to change? Why do you need your partner to be different now? What are your “new” needs?

These are all some of the questions to ask yourself before expecting the person you’re in bed with to metamorphis into something else.

Remember folks, Disney is a fantasy. Prince Charming might have one ball, no college education, and a stubborn streak…Cinderella might not be a virgin, a good cook, and a vicious tendency to throw things.

Life is messy.

 

The Definition of Mother: a reality check.

Everyone has his or her own ideas about what it means to be a mother, or what it feels like to be a mother.

Some think it means being at home, making cookies, cleaning the house, and making blanket forts.

Others think it means teaching at home, working somewhere else, and doing laundry in between chasing a naughty toddler around.

Some thinks it means doing what you can to pay the bills, while lovingly squeezing up minutes of her child’s time.

Whatever the location, the definition and job description embodies guilt.

Guilt you’re not making money at home. Guilt you’re not at home, and you’re making money.

Some mother alone, others with a partner, and others alone, yet with a partner…and some mother with another mother…and some Mother with an extended family.

Mothering can be amazing, awful, anxiety-producing, awe-inspiring, jaw-dropping, boring, loving, irritating, tiring, and impatient.

We think it will be one way and we will behave in a particular manner up until the time a baby is in our arms, and then we realize that all our armchair parenting was a load of crap. That we know nothing, and that we still know nothing.

That we love our child/children, yet he or she perplexes us to the same degree. That we want them to be like us, yet we also hope they won’t be.

We have idealized images in our mind, and then when we fall short, we are victim to our own guilt.

Society has ideas about how we should be of how we are supposed to be and what we are supposed to do, and when we aren’t that way, we feel helpless, worthless, and unsure.

When we are how we think we should be, we feel amazing, unstoppable, and a bit too proud. We sometimes forget when we see another mother screwing up, how we did too…just the other day–hour–or minute.

We champion other mothers, yet we inspect them and hold them, deciding if they mother the way we do–if it’s good enough, forgetting that we fall short all the time.

We long to mother, and then fear we are no good.

We become a mother, and then long for the days sometimes when we were just ourselves. Just our name, and not “someone else’s mommy.”

All those Facebook memes about how we are all so happy to give up sleeping in and wearing ponytails, seem like a load of shit to us silently, because we certainly are sick of wearing our hair in a ponytail sometimes, and we want to sleep in. We love our children, but we miss our non-mothering self at times.

We try to remember what that was like, yet we can’t fully. We have photos, flashbacks, and videos to remind us…certainly we can envision that non-child person, yet we can never be her again fully. We have to be a different version of ourselves. Better. Smarter. More Patient.

We enter into new sexual territory. Some of us could care less about sex, others long for it…and miss the days when we didn’t fit as neatly into the box labeled Madonna or whore. Some of us wish it would go away at times, and others don’t want to be the soccer mom that young men say, “Yes maam,” to on a daily basis.

Some of us are still heavy from pregnancy, others are fit, and yet our bodies whether sightly or unsightly to ourselves, are somewhat different. It has done something it never did before.

We have done something we have never done before.

Every day is a learning process. Parenting is learning on the job. Prepare to fail, and plan to succeed.

Bad Guys Get all the Luck

So this is going to be a short rant, but I would like to know why it seems that people who are total jerks end up happy?

I know that happiness is subjective, and what may look like happiness to me may not truly be happiness, but it just seems as if some of the biggest turds in life are successful and happy. I wonder what the correlation coefficient is for general “asshole-ness” and life success?

I know that everyone talks about karma, and that wanting bad things to happen to bad people is a big waste of time and resources when in fact, you could be working on your own success, but just every now and again,  I would like to see a bad person fall to his or her knees in misery.

I recognize this is probably a sign of jerkiness on my behalf, but just once I would like to see someone that deserves it, gets it.

Like, why can’t a rapist be stoned in public just once? Or watch an abusive man or woman get ejected from a large rocket type object onto a bed of sharp nails?

I know this is just a little of my own anger speaking, but I felt like putting it out there. I have watched so many bad people hurt good people in the past year, that I am feeling incredibly skeptical of everything, and I really dislike that. One of my most endearing traits is my ability to keep “bouncing” and smiling despite the obstacles ahead of me.

I think when I get this fired up, I should just channel my energy outwards and try to focus on something creatively.

In fact, if any of you out there in cyberspace ever feel so pissed off that someone truly evil is getting by and getting high on life…take a run, write a poem, bake a cake, or whatever floats your boat. The only way to really spur anger like that is to channel it into something productive. There is nothing to gain by being mad, except for headaches, extra weight (some people emotionally eat), and stress.

Let it go and try to hope in a more silent voice, that the jerk who let you down gets his…

He or She may never, but you can’t spend the time or money worrying…you’ve got a life you’re supposed to be living of your own. Don’t let someone rob you of that!

Even Losers Deserve Love: wanting more for yourself

I have done a lot in a short span of time in my life, however the one thing I have failed miserably at is to forgive myself for past transgressions.

Before anyone gets up in arms, I’m not a molester or Nazi or asshole.

In fact, the only person I have ever been bad to was myself. Sure, I’ve said an unkind word to someone or been an ass here and there like everyone else on the planet, but in general, I have never intentionally hurt someone or sought to attack or attacked anyone. I’ve always had one target for my misgivings, and that’s been me.

It doesn’t matter how many people said to me, “Oh you gotta love yourself and forgive yourself…yadda yadda yadda Dr.Phil Oprah Oprah’s girlfriend. The hacky women on the View.

No, seriously, I know all that, and I’m not beating myself up about things nearly as much as I used to, but deep down if I really sat there and had to have tea with my subconscious, I am pretty sure that my subconscious would say, “Yeah man, so you still feel pretty bad for things that happened to you when you were X or Y.”

I get this feeling that some people, like myself, have a tough time believing deep down that they are really okay and worthy and not all that messed up. It’s a tough line to buy when you have been sold such crap like, “You’re not Worthy,” and “You’re crazy,” and “You’re stupid.”

It’s even tougher when these said things were “sold” to you when you were a young and impressionable teenager…and forming your sexual and personal identity while pieces of fecal matter tried to bring down your spirit.

It is easy to buy into the devil, so to speak. These people find you when you’re weak, and they feed off you in order to satiate their own inner misgivings and pain. It’s a fact.

If someone is miserable or a misery to you, it’s because he or she is an unhappy person and needs you to be upset that way he or she can find some comfort. I’m sure none of these individuals who were bad to me felt that way. They couldn’t verbalize it, but it’s true.

You can’t be a happy person pissing on another person’s parade. Sure, there are times when we all feel jealous or kind of sad that maybe someone we love has it better than us, but in general, if you’re always tearing people apart, it’s because you feel deficient…not because everyone in the world is so awful.

Back to my original point: it could be years after someone was raped…violated…abused…abandoned in some way, and I often find that these individuals seem to expect less for themselves because they felt that it’s better than what they had…and possibly what they deserved. There were many times in my life in which I thought, “Well, this situation is better than the last one,” or “Well, I guess I am doing better than I was,” and the fact is, I should say, I want what is absolutely best for myself because I deserve that and am a good person.

Everyone deserves happiness. As along as you are not some blood-sucking, life-draining, war-mongering jerk, then you deserve happiness. Your past, whether it’s as colorful as  Drag Queen or as dull as a pair of period panties, does not determine what you deserve today. It is not some predetermined guarantee that because you smoked too much dope in high school that you are now soiled and unworthy of personal success.

Every day is a chance to be a better person. Not to be better than everyone else, but to better than who you were yesterday. Give yourself a hug, and move forward.

Forgive yourself for blowing your best friend’s brother’s boyfriend.

Forgive yourself for that terrible poufy 80’s wave-haircut you had.

Forgive yourself for liking cheesy bands like “Ace of Bace” and “Gerado” and “98 Degrees.”

Forgive yourself if you were an addict.

Raped.

Neglected

A bully

Mean.

As long as you’re a good person today, that’s all that will propel you forward.

Don’t shortchange yourself.

Be a Good Girl

Women are told from the time we pop out of our mother’s uterus and become the keeper of our own that we should be “good.”

Be a “good girl.”

Be nice. Nice girls don’t do that.

Little girls are polite. Be polite.

Be nice.

Be nice.

Be nice.

Maybe I don’t want to be nice. Maybe I don’t want to be good either. Did anyone else get the memo that being good kind of sucks? That being nice all the time makes one a doormat? That taking shit from everyone and smiling and saying, “It’s okay,” makes you one miserable good girl. Plus, no one looks cute with a shit-stained smile.

I feel like sometimes I’m just compelled to say the nice thing or right thing because I know that if I don’t, I will be seen in a negative manner. I really hate that about myself.

I also hate that I am brought up in a world that tells me women aren’t funny, that we’re undersexed (such a bunch of BS folks), and that we’re all supposed to be nice and polite.

Don’t rock the boat darling.

There are so many times in my life that I just let people be their douchey selves while I laid down and said, “Sure, walk all over me. Go ahead. I hope you enjoy the walk.”

I should have handed these individuals a complementary water bottle and chocolate, sunglasses, map, and towel while they enjoyed taking a walk all over me.

That was what I got for being a “good girl” and being nice.

Sometimes, I was a bad girl in society’s eyes, yet to the person begging me to be bad, I was being submissive: translation: a good girl to an even bigger asshole. A good girl is submissive.

A good girl forgets who she is and what she wants so that others can be happy.

A bad girl does what she wants and shapes her life in ways that are meaningful to her.

I’ve let negative comments, conversations, and interactions ruin my day either because I was being too nice or polite to walk away…or too “good” to say what I wanted to, or even worse, I said exactly what I wanted to and was now reaping the guilt that my assertiveness had spun on me.

I’ve had men tell me I am stupid or that I’m not funny…or that my writing is stupid. I even had one guy tell me I couldn’t graduate college…that I was that dumb.

Apparently, he hasn’t seen my degree from Columbia, but I digress.

I have silenced myself with women too when they have hurt my feelings, by not saying what I wanted to say.

Sometimes, I said too much or just enough to feel like an ass for being so direct.

I just wish I never felt that conflict between who I am and who I should be according to the unspoken rules of society.

I am sometimes good, sometimes bad, but never awful.

To those that took a walk down the length of my heart and soul at my expense, you are all filthy animals, but I will never lie down in the mud with you, and you never stole my true self completely. Even in my darkest times I have always had an energy, a spring in my step, and an inner desire to move forward. No one will squelch that.

Let every day in my 30’s be a testament to living my life fully as who I truly am at all points and times, as along as I am not hurtful to others.

Let my daily activities show the things that matter to me, and reap work that matters to me.

I cannot worry about being good when there is so much time to be spent on making my mark on this world lest I be forgotten.

If we’re not here to be remembered for something that impacts others in a positive way, then why bother?