Archive for May, 2013|Monthly archive page

Of all the Charlie Browns: Im the Charlie Browniest. Contemplation on Self-Doubt

In Uncategorized on May 30, 2013 at 6:34 pm

Linus once told Charlie Brown,”Of all the Charlie Browns, you’re the Charlie Browniest.”

What does that mean? Well, it means one is riddled with self-doubt, anxiety, and depression.

It’s when you feel like nothing could go right and you haven’t even gotten out of bed to ruin your spouse or kid’s lives yet.

I kid.

In all seriousness, let’s get down to the matter. You see, on social media, I am supposed to tell everyone how AWESOME my life is, and that I couldn’t be happier. I am supposed to post pictures of my child smiling happily, the treats I “bake” her, marital photos in which my partner and I look like we are stoned on love, and shots of me jumping through a field of wheat, in which I look like I am back on the prairie.

No one wants to see photos of people fighting, children crying, wrist slashing, or drunken dancing.

I’m not supposed to share that I am riddled with self-doubt. I am supposed to tell everyone that since I am an adult, my life is so magnificent, and I’ve got it all figured out.

I don’t. And the majority of my Facebook and Twitter friends don’t either. Sure, they may be happier or just more blissfully ignorant, (I wish I were like this!) but no one has it all figured out.

It’s not as if I am sitting here on the toilet bowl, pushing out a doodie and crying about how my life sucks so bad that I should just lock myself in the attic and not come down until the next presidential election. Instead, I am wondering profusely if I am taking my life in the correct direction, and trying to make myself a happy and contented life–for my daughter as well.

I can’t stand that so many people pass themselves all off as these self-contented little happy twits. I just wish one day I could actually hear what people really think, and see posts of what people really say to their children all day.

Last week, I really felt like I was going to snap. I was alone constantly with my daughter, and so she decided it might be really sweet to have a bunch of temper tantrums. She’s 2, and it’s basically in her job description and resume: Have strong opinions, will tantrum. References available upon request.

I just felt like I was getting it all wrong. I tried redirecting her, ignoring her, and sometimes I even–gasp, yelled at her. Not often as I am not a believer of yelling, but I got to the point in which I felt like, “Why can’t you just be obedient, child?” To which I then looked at myself, and remembered that I am the same woman who stated in her marital vows that I would “not be obedient. I’m not a dog. I’m a person.”

The fact is she is a very good kid, and people tell me this all the time, but of course she tests me the most. I’m her mom. This is also in her resume: Ability to Drive Mom Crazy. Tests Adult Patience.

I just felt like, maybe I don’t know what the hell I am doing. Should anyone even trust me with a Sea Monkey?

Her dad doesn’t have these moments it seems, which then makes me feel worse, until I realize that he is with her 20% of the time, and I’m with her 80%.

I’m also grappling with a big life choice. It’s made me a bit pissy and anxious. I’ve sometimes felt the need to just not talk to people because I don’t want to bother anyone, or accidentally snap at them. It’s not personal, but I’m just processing many things at once.

I just have to wonder if I am doing it right. Life, that is. Career, creative, love, and parenthood.

I think I have some of it right, but then again, I’m sure I have some of it wrong. I guess I wouldn’t be so endearing and cute if I didn’t feel a little self-doubt. Who’s Woody Allen without his compulsive pondering? Who’s Charlie without wondering if he will kick the football this time?

I see people that seem to have it so easy–appearances are always deceiving–and I can’t help but wonder if maybe there is something I can do to make things easier for myself that I haven’t figured out yet.

And while I’d like to elaborate more, I have a pint-sized peanut shouting “Mooooommy, Moooomy.”

That’s my name these days.

It’s almost strange to hear my first name lately.

It’s almost naughty and dirty sounding. Ooh, talk dirty to me. Just don’t say the word “No”…I hear it all day long!


Needy Girl: Never fear, Needy Girl is here! She’s here to smother you and affirm your every move

In Uncategorized on May 23, 2013 at 5:38 pm

Yesterday I spoke of the few male types to avoid, but today I come back to you all with a close look at Needy Girl!

Is it a plane or a bird? Is it your own shadow or a figment of your imagination?

No, it’s Needy Girl! Needy Girl is there wherever you are. She wants to hold your hand, wipe your mouth, hug you close, and squeeze you all over! Needy Girl is not complete unless you have acknowledged her wishes to devour your every minute with her presence.

Needy Girl isn’t mean, but she’s totally occupied by everything you do. She thinks you’re super, terrific, wonderful, grr-eat! She will cheerlead you on at all times.

In most ways, she is a lovely girl and incredibly loyal.

In other ways, she is ingratiating and uncompromising. She must be with you at all times.

If you don’t tell her how your bowel movement went, or whether or not you scratched your genitals that day, she will feel you don’t love her.

You will be charmed by her at first, and then you will find yourself daydreaming about how you can launch yourself over the Brooklyn Bridge to escape her for all eternity. Even then, she might find you. She might even jump off after you, determined to see you on the other side and watch your every move there.

If you accidentally fall for Needy Girl, here are some steps to convert her:

Help her find a hobby.

She is bored and needs something to do.

Introduce her to one of your better looking friends. You know you’ve got one. You’re not all that and a handful of dollars.

Send her to a shrink.

She’s a good person with low self-esteem. If therapy doesn’t work, maybe a month in a hospital will.

Don’t ignore her. Ignoring her will make her come on stronger. Tell her you like her but find her to be suffocating. Often Needy Girl will not realize she’s being this way because her perspective of herself is so low, that she just can’t understand why someone wouldn’t want so much attention…that she herself is dying for.

If none of this works, start stalking her, and then she will get scared and run like her.


From a retired-semi-Needy Girl

It’s Hug A Sexy Nice Guy Day: Don’t Date Douchebags

In Uncategorized on May 23, 2013 at 1:35 am

I recognize this may be an unfair post as there are plenty of chicks who suck, but this time I am writing to address the issues with the men folk. Don’t worry my male followers: I will write a counterpiece about avoiding female freaks as well. I wouldn’t want to upset any of you precious things.

If you are single and dating, there are a few guys you should stay clear away from. It saddens me to have to write this, but some people don’t know a jerk even if he’s got a gun in your back, so I figured that since the internet is so full of useful information, why shouldn’t I help folks out by creating large stereotypes of men to avoid in a list format?

#1 Owes Child Support

If your dude owes child support, he is a twat. There is no excuse on earth why a man should not pay his child support. It is his kid. Whether he wants the child or not, he did the deed, so he’s got to back himself up. Unless he is terminally ill or mentally impaired to a severe degree, he better pay his child support.

Do you want to be his Baby Momma and watch when he doesn’t pay your sorry butt?

Plenty of men dodge child support. Each and every one of them is a douche. Unless a DNA test convicts you of such responsibilities, you better pay the piper Peter.

#2 Cocky Guy

Everyone knows Cocky Guy. He always shows off the newest recent addition to his muscular system.

“Look at this…I’m really cut.”

Cocky Guy likes to brag about all the wonderful things he is doing,  because of course, he’s so fantastic.

Cocky Guy is often good-looking and smart enough to try and pull this garbage, however don’t get caught in his handsome trap. He’s better off with a full-view mirror of himself and his hand.

We all know what he can do with that hand.

Wave Bye-Bye to Cocky Dude.

#3  I’m just Living with my Mother for now…

Some guys deserve to live with their mothers without harassment. If he’s in college, a recent graduate, ill, or caring for his mom, or legitimately saving for a house, then it’s okay for him to shack up with his mom. Besides, the economy is killer lately. However, there are some men who live with their mothers…for forever. They don’t do laundry, they’ve never cooked a meal, and their mothers probably wipe their butts and tie their shoes for them.

His mother will mostly likely have an unhealthy attraction to her son, and will walk around in a mumu and cap on her head all day, following her son around with food requests.

She will most likely call her son a pet name, and will hate you upon sight. She will tie her son up in his bed at night so he doesn’t leave, and cry if he asks to pee alone.

Okay, so some of that is true. You decide what.

If a guy doesn’t want to move out because he lives above his means or has decided that hard work sucks or he will miss his mumsy too much, you need to leave town fast otherwise you will end up tying his shoes and wiping his pee-pee too, sweetheart.

#4 Closeted ( A special section for my gay friends)

If a guy is closeted, you ought to run screaming. Do you really want to sleep with someone who cries afterwards? Or walks by you and denies he knows you?

I’m not saying he needs to be singing Judy Garland or wearing a pink feather boa, but he should be comfortable and aware of his own sexuality. You are with yours, so why do you need to coax someone out of his shell? The best arrangement here is to be his friend until he has accepted himself.

** Ladies, if you suspect a guy is gay, you need to realize that your equipment won’t cut it. After awhile, he is going to be unhappy, and unless you feel like wearing a strap-on, he won’t fall for you. Become his friend and enjoy that!

#5 Arrogant Prick

We all know Arrogant Prick. He is different from Cocky Guy; Cocky Guy is usually more bold, foolish, and vain. Arrogant Prick is quietly mean and disdainful of everyone who doesn’t measure up to his insane standards. Apparently, we all lost the memo that he’s God, and the rest of us are just the bitches doing his dirty work.

Arrogant Prick will always point out your friends’ and family’s flaws, all the while silently tsk-tsking you. He has ideas about what you should do, be, and look like, and all of this will run contrary to your own desires about how you should live. He is a pompous ass and most likely small in the pants. In which case, you should doubly run.

I thank you all for taking the time to read with me on this serious matter. Too many women and men fall for scumbags when they could be giving a nice guy a chance. Let’s all do our part to severely beat these jerks, and champion the men with dignity, class, and respect.

Hug a sexy nice guy today in honor of “Hug a Sexy Nice Guy” day.

They need love too.



Waah. I’m an adult, and let me tell you kids, it sucks.

In Uncategorized on May 21, 2013 at 12:57 am

For those of you who care, I feel being an adult sucks.

I wanted to be older when I was a kid, mainly because I had 3 older sisters and they made bras, periods, boys, jobs, and life look cool…until I learned how I had been totally bamboozled by this false belief, or shall I say, bamboobied?

There are so many things about being an adult that blows, that I cannot fathom why kids race to grow up in the first place. What’s so sexy about mortgages, marriages, facial lines, pooping problems, labor pains, student loans, and landscape work?

Nothing. Nothing at all.

I think I was naive to think how awesome it would be to join the rest of my friends who weren’t late bloomers like myself, into this world of adulthood, homes, marriage, and 401K’s.

I thought I would make more money. I thought marriage would be easier. I thought that a cook, cleaning lady, and cabana boy with great abs and a great tush came equipped with every house. Sadly, I discovered that to be false. I want to smack the person who told me that.

My sister also told me when I was 13 that  the stork delivers babies. Much to my chagrin after 24 hours of labor and a c-section, I learned that bitch was way wrong.

Love you sis. 🙂

It’s not that I thought I could be wearing my doc maartens and hot pink hair forever while I blasted James Brown or punk music from my car, but I guess I did. I guess I figured I would find the adult version of pink hair, whatever that is, and get some joy from it all.

You know, houses also seemed so sweet until you factor in that NJ has extremely high taxes…and the houses aren’t cheap either. I never thought about that. I just figured the cabana boy would have at least three other jobs to contribute some money to my fund, so we could pay the bills. Turns out all the cabana boy wants is another cabana boy.

Good for him.

I know that my whining is neither refreshing or sexy, but I don’t give a crap. I want my money back.

I used to worry about what show I wanted to see and with who, and what I would wear. I used to have time to consider things like, ‘What would happen if Morrissey had been a little more hetero? What would we all think if Robert Smith never wore makeup? Who killed Professor Plum in the green room? Which was a better cartoon, Strawberry Shortcake, or the Smurfs?

Or think about the big intellectual questions raised at college? Does anyone understand Judith Butler or Foucault really? Did you truly finish War and Peace? What fancy word can I use in my seminar classes to make the kids think I’m smart and special? Which fancy kid in my seminar do I totally effin’ hate?

Now I get to think about big problems, real problems.

How do we move out of this house? What school district should I move into? When will I see the GI doctor? How will I get the house clean with a toddler in tow? Why do certain family member exist to make everyone else’s life hell? Why is my poop that color?

Give me a one-way ticket to boredomville please.

There’s nothing more boring than being an adult, besides being a nun or priest. No sex for a lifetime sounds like a hell not worth enduring…and sounds too close to being like marriage. I mean, after awhile when you’ve been with someone 20 years, how do you keep that stuff interesting without ordering in a prostitute, chimp, or boy toy?

I’m joking about the chimp.

I just wish someone had notified me as I was sucking on my pixie stick straws in my Pink Floyd t-shirt, with my black nailpolish and blood red lipstick, how life was going to basically suck as an adult, and that I should have all my fun now before adulthood sucks the marrow from my bones.

I guess I can always look forward to the joyful days of seniority in which I will earn early bird specials, and someone to change my diaper.

Just watch out for me on the road…I am definitely going to be the worst elderly driver alive.

Annoying Crap I do: Annoying things that I do that you can make fun of so you feel better about yourself

In Uncategorized on May 19, 2013 at 2:34 am


I do annoying things.

I am the youngest child, which makes me an expert at being a pain in the ass.

If you don’t believe me, feel free to ask my three sisters, and my husband, who knows full well what a big pain in the ass I am.

Here are some of the things that I do that are irritating. If I were you, I would read this and think to myself, “Self, I am so awesome, and much better than this pathetic woman.”

I like to tell people what to do:

I don’t really mean to be an annoying bossy know-it-all, but when people tell me about the stupid crap they are about to do, or have already done, I cannot keep my mouth shut. When people date total schmucks, or try to make excuses for why these people are the biggest dipshits on the planet, I cannot contain myself.

When people tell me about their amazing business ideas or ways to improve their lives that are utterly ridiculous, I cannot help but share my feelings.

Really though, who cares what I think? I really should just be quiet. No one needs to know what I think. I just can’t help myself though. I mean well, and think I’m helping.

Please, don’t stuff me in a body bag. I can’t help myself.

Skinny person thinks she’s fat:

I am your annoying friend who complains about her body when she shouldn’t. It’s not that my body is perfect, but it is good enough, so really I should just shut up. No one needs to hear that I don’t like my stomach or think I should watch the tenth piece of chocolate that I just put in my mouth…with my pasta.

I really ought to can it, but I’m insecure sometimes, and therefore a major gnat of annoyance. I know that I should be happy with who I am because Oprah and Dr. Phil says that’s what how we women should be, happy with ourselves, but I want better and more because my Jewish dad told me I should want more, and I should be better.

Stuffs face.

Just tell me to shut up, but lovingly remember I’m a little special in the head.

I check your grammar:

I don’t tell you this–always–but I check your grammar and spelling on your Facebook. Sometimes, I tell you how you spelled words incorrectly, and other times I cringe.

I like this about myself actually. I guess I don’t find it so annoying, but you might.

Eat the Last Piece of Good Chocolate:

If you come over, I will give you some chocolate, but not the good kind. I will hide it, and eat it when no one else is looking. I will tell you I am going to the bathroom, but really, I am going to eat the good chocolate while I give you the shit kind, because I am a selfish little chocolate whore. I might also masturbate after the chocolate, so don’t shake my hand. In fact, that habit of mine tends to make me late. If I am late somewhere, it wasn’t the kid’s fault.

Kick me.

Don’t touch that!:

I am the person who doesn’t want to let you borrow anything. I don’t want to let you have my clothes, personal items, or books (the only borrowable item is my husband, who would certainly let you have me any day as well).

I don’t want you to have my stuff because you’re not OCD and neat…you won’t take care of my items exactly as I do, which is the perfect way, and therefore, I don’t want you to have any of my stuff you filthy slob.

Don’t be mad at me though, because I really sometimes cannot help this. I like things to be just right, and that’s how I have been since I was 5 years old, lining my stuffed dolls around my bed in military fashion.

Move it sister:

I will get the best seat, fast. I will move my skinny ass in that good spot, while you are stuck in the shittier seat. I will push ahead to get the better spot at a concert, too. I will move fast to get to the shortest food shopping aisle, and snatch the last cart. I don’t care if you are a better person than I am because you are slow, and I am short and quick.

I will however, stand up and let the elderly or pregnant sit down on the subway.

So maybe, I am not all that bad after all…even if I am a pushy naggy thing sometimes.

Rotting in Suburbia, Part I

In Uncategorized on May 17, 2013 at 6:28 pm

I moved back to the burbs from the city for a relationship.

I did what I thought was the right thing for everyone.

Now…I am silently rotting away.

I know as we get older we are supposed to want peace and quiet, but peace and quiet are for typical normal people, not me.

In case anyone cared, I like being a little different, and besides I have no choice. It’s who I am.

There are so many ways in which the heart dies upon entering suburbia.

Nobody plays salsa music at 2am for me to listen to anymore. I used to get yelled at in Spanish, and now no one even talks to me. I preferred getting yelled at to silence.

Every time I look around, everyone is wearing the same pants, shirt, and style of clothes. There’s no one with a funky haircut or smell to them. Everyone wears the same stuff he or she bought at the mall. No one makes his or her clothes in an attempt to be different or just look like a pretentious, overly-artsy douche.

Every store is a huge corporation…and none of the pizza or bagel shops claim to be the “World’s Best Bagel or Pizza Shop.” How do I know how to find the best without that snazzy title?

I have to drive a car. I like driving now and again, but for the most part I should just stay off the road, however I have to risk it and hop in, otherwise I would rot in my house forever.

My neighbors care about my business. In NYC, no one cared if I croaked, fucked, talked, spit, or sang. It was kind of nice.

There are so many damn white people here. I know I’m white, but it’s a little dull. Girlfriend likes variety.

I don’t get to ride the subway and listen to mariachi bands, solo performers, and beggars anymore. No one tries to convert me when I walk down the street here. In NY, people notify me about Jesus and other religious happenings. I’m out of the loop with crazy people.

There aren’t enough coffee shops. I don’t drink coffee, but I like tea, and in order to find one, I have to drive.

Listen up folks: suburbia is not where it’s “at”: Suburbia is boring and makes teenagers bored…which makes them do tons of drugs, buy guns, watch porn, and cause trouble on the internet. Suburbia knocks down trees, ruins animal habitats, and causes Wal-Mart to make money.

I miss my noisy, smelly, filthy, diverse, animated, and intelligent city.

Save me. I am rotting in wal-mart in my mall-bought clothes.

4 Ways to be a Horrible Wife: Why set your husband up for disappointment later, when you can suck now?

In Uncategorized on May 17, 2013 at 6:15 pm

Marriage is a union of two souls blindly beating the shit out of each other as they both desperately try to get some peace and quiet…and respect.

If someone said that to you, you may have reconsidered marriage. If Disney sold us stories in which the Prince told Rapunzel to rot, and the Prince told Cinderella, “Sorry, you’re white trash,” none of us would have had any hope from the get-go, which probably would have set us up to expect less, and appreciate more.

Fortunately, there is the Internet to notify people about reality.

Men, your wives will drive you to a place of insanity that you can never return from, not even if you decide on wife #2, 3, or 4. If you go for four, you need to be examined.

Women: take note that you will screw up now, and try to do these things sooner in order to condition your husband.

#1 Don’t Cook

Once you start cooking all the time, your husband will get greedy. He will start to expect bigger and fancier meals, which just means more work for you later on down the line. Keep the fancy meals to a minimum now that way a basic meal of chicken, carb, and veggie will seem exotic and appreciated. You will never break a sweat again!

#2 let the nagging commence

Men never remember anything, unless it involves the three A’s: Ass, Autos, or Autonomy–being alone, without you around.

You need to begin with the nagging today. Don’t do it too much, because then no one will marry you, but do it enough so he begins to tune you out that way you can say everything you really think and feel without being penalized. Be sure to remind him of things he will forget, and when he forgets, remind him how lucky he is to have you that way he will want to keep you around even though you’re a pain in the ass. Men forget things. Women remind them.

#3 Keep the Lingerie

For those of you who don’t like sex, you can skip #3.

If you don’t wear lingerie now, once you hand him over a kid, he will think you are his mother, and will therefore treat you as such.

You know what his mother is like. Do you want this?

Even if she is a saint, do you want to be a grown man’s mommy?

Wear the lingerie now. It will make you a good wife, but a bad wife too, because now the sexual bar will be set high, and he can’t get all fat and beer-bellied out since you’ve decided to up the ante from the get-go.

It also makes you a bad wife because when his friends hear about your special predilections, they will like you, which will make him mad…and decide to keep you.

#4 Forget how to Clean

If you clean now, he will never clean. You will be a damned wife dusting and sweeping your 30’s away, while he keeps his hands clean. That sucks. Keep things a little messy now, and as they get worse, he will not notice.

If you believe this is good advice or that I am serious about everything besides #3, you need counseling.

I endorse the above message. Wives, don’t be too good from the beginning, otherwise you will have to reach Stepford Wife levels later in order to satisfy the Mister.

Men, remember this: Happy Wife, Happy Life. Unhappy Wife, No Life.

5 Ways to make family members, In-laws, or other people you cannot stand, leave you alone

In Uncategorized on May 16, 2013 at 6:57 pm

When someone in or around your family hates you or annoys the living shit out of you, there is very little you can do unless you feel like putting in serious jail time or being ex-communicated from the rest of your family, which depending on your family, you may very well want to do.

Instead, here are some sure-fire ways to ensure these people leave you alone for good.

Warning: don’t try this at home unless you’re over 18.

#1-Commit Yourself

When you can’t handle your father in-law’s droning or your own mother’s cackle, proceed to commit yourself to a mental institution. No one will visit you there…not even your husband or wife. The food isn’t great, and I’m not sure you will have much time for conjugal visits if he or she does come, but you will get good drugs and space from people you don’t like. Hell, you can walk around in your wife beater and bunny slippers all day and you’ll simply fit in.

#2 Drink Heavily

No one likes a drunk after awhile. The first few times might be funny, but after awhile, you’re simply deadweight that pukes in other people’s homes,apartments, or cars, or you’re the one friend everyone grits his or her teeth when you open your mouth. No one will want to smell your vodka-tainted breath, and see your eyeliner smeared-lipstick on the teeth face ever again.

Trust me, your family or in-laws, or other people that annoy you will never speak to you again.

#3 Fake Alzheimer’s Disease

You will become too costly to care for, and to loopy to bother with. You will end up in a strange home, but maybe you will make some friends who will forget everything mean that you say and do, and will never call you by your first name, which means you won’t be accountable for anything.

#4 Play Dead

When a dog surrenders, it will play dead. Try it. Lie down during the middle of an argument and play dead like a dog. Chances are, the person or people will stop bugging you.

If that doesn’t work, really play dead.

#5 Runaway

You will miss the people you like, but you will find new friends, and a new husband or wife. Runaway for good. Join the circus. Become a gypsy. Whatever you do, just run…and never be faced with that ass or pest again.

These techniques are not to be tried by the faint-hearted. If you want to drink heavily, please be sure you’re 21, or at least don’t tell anyone you got the idea from me.

Excuse me now, I am going to get on my bunny slippers, mumu, and hang out with the rest of the happily crazed people.

Are you going to always be this way? I love you, but change.

In Uncategorized on May 16, 2013 at 3:20 am

It’s the same old song and dance. You get married or you get into a partnership/relationship of sorts, and as time wears on, there’s often this one statement that pops to the surface:

“I don’t like X or Y about you…I thought you would be different…”

“I wish you could change…I love you but, X, Y, or Z is driving me nuts…”

Sometimes, the person wants you to change something small that is possible for you to do, and at other times, someone might ask you to change something about yourself that is inextricably linked to your personhood, and impossible to be divorced from.

Or maybe you are the culprit. Maybe you want your partner to change something that is impossible for him or her to change.

Broadway shows, self-help books, and tons of comedians have deal with this topic: I love you, now change, Bitch.

It’s almost as if the things we once found attractive about someone become offensive and scalding to our sensibilities. Or our partner starts to become so skeeved out by the things she once really liked about you. Maybe it’s because opposites attract…to a point. At some point maybe they simply just repel? Maybe opposites work until the orgasms stop coming so quickly, or when things get stressful? Does this mean opposites can’t work? No, I’m not saying that, but the question is: why do people start to want their partners to be different? Why do we expect or ask others to change? Why are we suddenly bothered by something in our lovers that didn’t bother us before?

I suspect that this desire isn’t that you didn’t love or don’t love the person per se, but maybe we change…and as we change and grow, our needs from a person changes, and therefore what we once found cute/sexy/attractive becomes no longer attractive anymore. Suddenly we need something different. Well isn’t that a bitch, because you choose someone based on who he or she was when you met that person.

Example: If your husband is a sullen guy and you were into sullen because it was during your emo stage, well don’t be pissed that he’s still crying into napkins and you’re over emo and into something else. Now you want a funny guy. Well guess what Ex-Emo chick? You picked sullen dude. He can’t change. Sure, he might be able to crack a smile or attempt a knock-knock joke, but don’t expect him to be Happy Dude. He’s sullen guy.

Or perhaps your wife was a loudmouth when you met her. Perhaps she was a big loudmouth who liked going out and partying. Don’t expect loudmouth party chick to all of a sudden become the Martha Stewart your mother has been hoping for all these years.

The fact is, relationships are so hard because we change as individuals over time, and all you can do is hope that both partners grow at a suitable or similar pace to each other, towards each other.

Maybe you want religion in  your life and you started out in your relationship as an atheist. Maybe you were a sexually shy and permissive type and as you got older, you came into your own and now you want more of a variety from your partner. Maybe your partner was a quiet type who often let you lead things/plans/life, and now he or she has grown more confident and wants you to hold back while he or she lets rip.

There are so many different scenarios that follow couples on this journey through life that it makes monogamy, marriage, and coupledom so very hard. The traits you once loved from someone as your partner may not be the same traits you like when that person becomes a parent with you…shares bills with you…and daily bullshit with you. Everything is romantic when it ends either at midnight or the next morning as you do the walk of shame home. Nothing is romantic when it is in the morning, on weekends, at night, and all day, every day. It is work. It is a job, and if you don’t like this particular job, it’s one you ought to quit before everyone is miserable.

I think it’s also easy for us to assume that our partner would just change if he or she loved us enough, but that’s bullshit too. When I think of who I am as a person now and reflect upon who I was at age 6, guess what? There are a lot of similarities. I’m still outspoken, sweet, and friendly. I don’t wet my bed anymore, and I have grown more anxious over time, however, that core individual still exists. I will always be sensitive. I will always be outgoing. This doesn’t mean that there aren’t things I can change about myself, but that I have accepted that there are some things that won’t budge.

When it comes down to core personality traits, your partner will not change. I’m sorry, but it’s true. Sullen Dude will not become Happy Dude unless Sullen Dude has been depressed for a particular reason or just temporarily been sad. If he has always been sullen and subdued, this will not change.

If you want someone to kick a bad habit, work on compromising more, listen more attentively, or try to pick up after him or herself, you can probably find success, but if you want someone who is different than the person you signed up for, you need to leave.

Life’s little BS’s change us as well. Happy Dude may become Sullen Guy after losing a job…or experiencing a loss in the family. This is temporary and can be worked through. This stuff happens constantly in relationships. It’s a never ending cycle of life’s up’s and down’s…it’s not the romantic passion you watch on television. Getting someone through a rough period is worth it and mandatory if you want to be in a committed relationship. Expecting a guy who has refused treatment for his depression is whole life…is not something to be worked through. That’s something that won’t change until he wants it to.

My message is simply, if you are unhappy and want your partner to change, ask yourself if this is a trait or situation that has always been true for your partner, or is just a temporary state? Is this a lifelong trait, or a bad habit? How eager is the person to change? Am I asking too much? And then, look at yourself.

Are you happy with yourself? Is there some thing or things you need to change? Why do you need your partner to be different now? What are your “new” needs?

These are all some of the questions to ask yourself before expecting the person you’re in bed with to metamorphis into something else.

Remember folks, Disney is a fantasy. Prince Charming might have one ball, no college education, and a stubborn streak…Cinderella might not be a virgin, a good cook, and a vicious tendency to throw things.

Life is messy.


The Definition of Mother: a reality check.

In Uncategorized on May 13, 2013 at 3:40 pm

Everyone has his or her own ideas about what it means to be a mother, or what it feels like to be a mother.

Some think it means being at home, making cookies, cleaning the house, and making blanket forts.

Others think it means teaching at home, working somewhere else, and doing laundry in between chasing a naughty toddler around.

Some thinks it means doing what you can to pay the bills, while lovingly squeezing up minutes of her child’s time.

Whatever the location, the definition and job description embodies guilt.

Guilt you’re not making money at home. Guilt you’re not at home, and you’re making money.

Some mother alone, others with a partner, and others alone, yet with a partner…and some mother with another mother…and some Mother with an extended family.

Mothering can be amazing, awful, anxiety-producing, awe-inspiring, jaw-dropping, boring, loving, irritating, tiring, and impatient.

We think it will be one way and we will behave in a particular manner up until the time a baby is in our arms, and then we realize that all our armchair parenting was a load of crap. That we know nothing, and that we still know nothing.

That we love our child/children, yet he or she perplexes us to the same degree. That we want them to be like us, yet we also hope they won’t be.

We have idealized images in our mind, and then when we fall short, we are victim to our own guilt.

Society has ideas about how we should be of how we are supposed to be and what we are supposed to do, and when we aren’t that way, we feel helpless, worthless, and unsure.

When we are how we think we should be, we feel amazing, unstoppable, and a bit too proud. We sometimes forget when we see another mother screwing up, how we did too…just the other day–hour–or minute.

We champion other mothers, yet we inspect them and hold them, deciding if they mother the way we do–if it’s good enough, forgetting that we fall short all the time.

We long to mother, and then fear we are no good.

We become a mother, and then long for the days sometimes when we were just ourselves. Just our name, and not “someone else’s mommy.”

All those Facebook memes about how we are all so happy to give up sleeping in and wearing ponytails, seem like a load of shit to us silently, because we certainly are sick of wearing our hair in a ponytail sometimes, and we want to sleep in. We love our children, but we miss our non-mothering self at times.

We try to remember what that was like, yet we can’t fully. We have photos, flashbacks, and videos to remind us…certainly we can envision that non-child person, yet we can never be her again fully. We have to be a different version of ourselves. Better. Smarter. More Patient.

We enter into new sexual territory. Some of us could care less about sex, others long for it…and miss the days when we didn’t fit as neatly into the box labeled Madonna or whore. Some of us wish it would go away at times, and others don’t want to be the soccer mom that young men say, “Yes maam,” to on a daily basis.

Some of us are still heavy from pregnancy, others are fit, and yet our bodies whether sightly or unsightly to ourselves, are somewhat different. It has done something it never did before.

We have done something we have never done before.

Every day is a learning process. Parenting is learning on the job. Prepare to fail, and plan to succeed.