Women are told from the time we pop out of our mother’s uterus and become the keeper of our own that we should be “good.”
Be a “good girl.”
Be nice. Nice girls don’t do that.
Little girls are polite. Be polite.
Maybe I don’t want to be nice. Maybe I don’t want to be good either. Did anyone else get the memo that being good kind of sucks? That being nice all the time makes one a doormat? That taking shit from everyone and smiling and saying, “It’s okay,” makes you one miserable good girl. Plus, no one looks cute with a shit-stained smile.
I feel like sometimes I’m just compelled to say the nice thing or right thing because I know that if I don’t, I will be seen in a negative manner. I really hate that about myself.
I also hate that I am brought up in a world that tells me women aren’t funny, that we’re undersexed (such a bunch of BS folks), and that we’re all supposed to be nice and polite.
Don’t rock the boat darling.
There are so many times in my life that I just let people be their douchey selves while I laid down and said, “Sure, walk all over me. Go ahead. I hope you enjoy the walk.”
I should have handed these individuals a complementary water bottle and chocolate, sunglasses, map, and towel while they enjoyed taking a walk all over me.
That was what I got for being a “good girl” and being nice.
Sometimes, I was a bad girl in society’s eyes, yet to the person begging me to be bad, I was being submissive: translation: a good girl to an even bigger asshole. A good girl is submissive.
A good girl forgets who she is and what she wants so that others can be happy.
A bad girl does what she wants and shapes her life in ways that are meaningful to her.
I’ve let negative comments, conversations, and interactions ruin my day either because I was being too nice or polite to walk away…or too “good” to say what I wanted to, or even worse, I said exactly what I wanted to and was now reaping the guilt that my assertiveness had spun on me.
I’ve had men tell me I am stupid or that I’m not funny…or that my writing is stupid. I even had one guy tell me I couldn’t graduate college…that I was that dumb.
Apparently, he hasn’t seen my degree from Columbia, but I digress.
I have silenced myself with women too when they have hurt my feelings, by not saying what I wanted to say.
Sometimes, I said too much or just enough to feel like an ass for being so direct.
I just wish I never felt that conflict between who I am and who I should be according to the unspoken rules of society.
I am sometimes good, sometimes bad, but never awful.
To those that took a walk down the length of my heart and soul at my expense, you are all filthy animals, but I will never lie down in the mud with you, and you never stole my true self completely. Even in my darkest times I have always had an energy, a spring in my step, and an inner desire to move forward. No one will squelch that.
Let every day in my 30’s be a testament to living my life fully as who I truly am at all points and times, as along as I am not hurtful to others.
Let my daily activities show the things that matter to me, and reap work that matters to me.
I cannot worry about being good when there is so much time to be spent on making my mark on this world lest I be forgotten.
If we’re not here to be remembered for something that impacts others in a positive way, then why bother?