I have done a lot in a short span of time in my life, however the one thing I have failed miserably at is to forgive myself for past transgressions.
Before anyone gets up in arms, I’m not a molester or Nazi or asshole.
In fact, the only person I have ever been bad to was myself. Sure, I’ve said an unkind word to someone or been an ass here and there like everyone else on the planet, but in general, I have never intentionally hurt someone or sought to attack or attacked anyone. I’ve always had one target for my misgivings, and that’s been me.
It doesn’t matter how many people said to me, “Oh you gotta love yourself and forgive yourself…yadda yadda yadda Dr.Phil Oprah Oprah’s girlfriend. The hacky women on the View.
No, seriously, I know all that, and I’m not beating myself up about things nearly as much as I used to, but deep down if I really sat there and had to have tea with my subconscious, I am pretty sure that my subconscious would say, “Yeah man, so you still feel pretty bad for things that happened to you when you were X or Y.”
I get this feeling that some people, like myself, have a tough time believing deep down that they are really okay and worthy and not all that messed up. It’s a tough line to buy when you have been sold such crap like, “You’re not Worthy,” and “You’re crazy,” and “You’re stupid.”
It’s even tougher when these said things were “sold” to you when you were a young and impressionable teenager…and forming your sexual and personal identity while pieces of fecal matter tried to bring down your spirit.
It is easy to buy into the devil, so to speak. These people find you when you’re weak, and they feed off you in order to satiate their own inner misgivings and pain. It’s a fact.
If someone is miserable or a misery to you, it’s because he or she is an unhappy person and needs you to be upset that way he or she can find some comfort. I’m sure none of these individuals who were bad to me felt that way. They couldn’t verbalize it, but it’s true.
You can’t be a happy person pissing on another person’s parade. Sure, there are times when we all feel jealous or kind of sad that maybe someone we love has it better than us, but in general, if you’re always tearing people apart, it’s because you feel deficient…not because everyone in the world is so awful.
Back to my original point: it could be years after someone was raped…violated…abused…abandoned in some way, and I often find that these individuals seem to expect less for themselves because they felt that it’s better than what they had…and possibly what they deserved. There were many times in my life in which I thought, “Well, this situation is better than the last one,” or “Well, I guess I am doing better than I was,” and the fact is, I should say, I want what is absolutely best for myself because I deserve that and am a good person.
Everyone deserves happiness. As along as you are not some blood-sucking, life-draining, war-mongering jerk, then you deserve happiness. Your past, whether it’s as colorful as Drag Queen or as dull as a pair of period panties, does not determine what you deserve today. It is not some predetermined guarantee that because you smoked too much dope in high school that you are now soiled and unworthy of personal success.
Every day is a chance to be a better person. Not to be better than everyone else, but to better than who you were yesterday. Give yourself a hug, and move forward.
Forgive yourself for blowing your best friend’s brother’s boyfriend.
Forgive yourself for that terrible poufy 80’s wave-haircut you had.
Forgive yourself for liking cheesy bands like “Ace of Bace” and “Gerado” and “98 Degrees.”
Forgive yourself if you were an addict.
As long as you’re a good person today, that’s all that will propel you forward.
Don’t shortchange yourself.