When someone in or around your family hates you or annoys the living shit out of you, there is very little you can do unless you feel like putting in serious jail time or being ex-communicated from the rest of your family, which depending on your family, you may very well want to do.
Instead, here are some sure-fire ways to ensure these people leave you alone for good.
Warning: don’t try this at home unless you’re over 18.
When you can’t handle your father in-law’s droning or your own mother’s cackle, proceed to commit yourself to a mental institution. No one will visit you there…not even your husband or wife. The food isn’t great, and I’m not sure you will have much time for conjugal visits if he or she does come, but you will get good drugs and space from people you don’t like. Hell, you can walk around in your wife beater and bunny slippers all day and you’ll simply fit in.
#2 Drink Heavily
No one likes a drunk after awhile. The first few times might be funny, but after awhile, you’re simply deadweight that pukes in other people’s homes,apartments, or cars, or you’re the one friend everyone grits his or her teeth when you open your mouth. No one will want to smell your vodka-tainted breath, and see your eyeliner smeared-lipstick on the teeth face ever again.
Trust me, your family or in-laws, or other people that annoy you will never speak to you again.
#3 Fake Alzheimer’s Disease
You will become too costly to care for, and to loopy to bother with. You will end up in a strange home, but maybe you will make some friends who will forget everything mean that you say and do, and will never call you by your first name, which means you won’t be accountable for anything.
#4 Play Dead
When a dog surrenders, it will play dead. Try it. Lie down during the middle of an argument and play dead like a dog. Chances are, the person or people will stop bugging you.
If that doesn’t work, really play dead.
You will miss the people you like, but you will find new friends, and a new husband or wife. Runaway for good. Join the circus. Become a gypsy. Whatever you do, just run…and never be faced with that ass or pest again.
These techniques are not to be tried by the faint-hearted. If you want to drink heavily, please be sure you’re 21, or at least don’t tell anyone you got the idea from me.
Excuse me now, I am going to get on my bunny slippers, mumu, and hang out with the rest of the happily crazed people.