4 Ways to be a Horrible Wife: Why set your husband up for disappointment later, when you can suck now?

In Uncategorized on May 17, 2013 at 6:15 pm

Marriage is a union of two souls blindly beating the shit out of each other as they both desperately try to get some peace and quiet…and respect.

If someone said that to you, you may have reconsidered marriage. If Disney sold us stories in which the Prince told Rapunzel to rot, and the Prince told Cinderella, “Sorry, you’re white trash,” none of us would have had any hope from the get-go, which probably would have set us up to expect less, and appreciate more.

Fortunately, there is the Internet to notify people about reality.

Men, your wives will drive you to a place of insanity that you can never return from, not even if you decide on wife #2, 3, or 4. If you go for four, you need to be examined.

Women: take note that you will screw up now, and try to do these things sooner in order to condition your husband.

#1 Don’t Cook

Once you start cooking all the time, your husband will get greedy. He will start to expect bigger and fancier meals, which just means more work for you later on down the line. Keep the fancy meals to a minimum now that way a basic meal of chicken, carb, and veggie will seem exotic and appreciated. You will never break a sweat again!

#2 let the nagging commence

Men never remember anything, unless it involves the three A’s: Ass, Autos, or Autonomy–being alone, without you around.

You need to begin with the nagging today. Don’t do it too much, because then no one will marry you, but do it enough so he begins to tune you out that way you can say everything you really think and feel without being penalized. Be sure to remind him of things he will forget, and when he forgets, remind him how lucky he is to have you that way he will want to keep you around even though you’re a pain in the ass. Men forget things. Women remind them.

#3 Keep the Lingerie

For those of you who don’t like sex, you can skip #3.

If you don’t wear lingerie now, once you hand him over a kid, he will think you are his mother, and will therefore treat you as such.

You know what his mother is like. Do you want this?

Even if she is a saint, do you want to be a grown man’s mommy?

Wear the lingerie now. It will make you a good wife, but a bad wife too, because now the sexual bar will be set high, and he can’t get all fat and beer-bellied out since you’ve decided to up the ante from the get-go.

It also makes you a bad wife because when his friends hear about your special predilections, they will like you, which will make him mad…and decide to keep you.

#4 Forget how to Clean

If you clean now, he will never clean. You will be a damned wife dusting and sweeping your 30’s away, while he keeps his hands clean. That sucks. Keep things a little messy now, and as they get worse, he will not notice.

If you believe this is good advice or that I am serious about everything besides #3, you need counseling.

I endorse the above message. Wives, don’t be too good from the beginning, otherwise you will have to reach Stepford Wife levels later in order to satisfy the Mister.

Men, remember this: Happy Wife, Happy Life. Unhappy Wife, No Life.

  1. Great post. Thank you for Sharing.

  2. Start as you mean to go on? 😆

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