Annoying Crap I do: Annoying things that I do that you can make fun of so you feel better about yourself

In Uncategorized on May 19, 2013 at 2:34 am


I do annoying things.

I am the youngest child, which makes me an expert at being a pain in the ass.

If you don’t believe me, feel free to ask my three sisters, and my husband, who knows full well what a big pain in the ass I am.

Here are some of the things that I do that are irritating. If I were you, I would read this and think to myself, “Self, I am so awesome, and much better than this pathetic woman.”

I like to tell people what to do:

I don’t really mean to be an annoying bossy know-it-all, but when people tell me about the stupid crap they are about to do, or have already done, I cannot keep my mouth shut. When people date total schmucks, or try to make excuses for why these people are the biggest dipshits on the planet, I cannot contain myself.

When people tell me about their amazing business ideas or ways to improve their lives that are utterly ridiculous, I cannot help but share my feelings.

Really though, who cares what I think? I really should just be quiet. No one needs to know what I think. I just can’t help myself though. I mean well, and think I’m helping.

Please, don’t stuff me in a body bag. I can’t help myself.

Skinny person thinks she’s fat:

I am your annoying friend who complains about her body when she shouldn’t. It’s not that my body is perfect, but it is good enough, so really I should just shut up. No one needs to hear that I don’t like my stomach or think I should watch the tenth piece of chocolate that I just put in my mouth…with my pasta.

I really ought to can it, but I’m insecure sometimes, and therefore a major gnat of annoyance. I know that I should be happy with who I am because Oprah and Dr. Phil says that’s what how we women should be, happy with ourselves, but I want better and more because my Jewish dad told me I should want more, and I should be better.

Stuffs face.

Just tell me to shut up, but lovingly remember I’m a little special in the head.

I check your grammar:

I don’t tell you this–always–but I check your grammar and spelling on your Facebook. Sometimes, I tell you how you spelled words incorrectly, and other times I cringe.

I like this about myself actually. I guess I don’t find it so annoying, but you might.

Eat the Last Piece of Good Chocolate:

If you come over, I will give you some chocolate, but not the good kind. I will hide it, and eat it when no one else is looking. I will tell you I am going to the bathroom, but really, I am going to eat the good chocolate while I give you the shit kind, because I am a selfish little chocolate whore. I might also masturbate after the chocolate, so don’t shake my hand. In fact, that habit of mine tends to make me late. If I am late somewhere, it wasn’t the kid’s fault.

Kick me.

Don’t touch that!:

I am the person who doesn’t want to let you borrow anything. I don’t want to let you have my clothes, personal items, or books (the only borrowable item is my husband, who would certainly let you have me any day as well).

I don’t want you to have my stuff because you’re not OCD and neat…you won’t take care of my items exactly as I do, which is the perfect way, and therefore, I don’t want you to have any of my stuff you filthy slob.

Don’t be mad at me though, because I really sometimes cannot help this. I like things to be just right, and that’s how I have been since I was 5 years old, lining my stuffed dolls around my bed in military fashion.

Move it sister:

I will get the best seat, fast. I will move my skinny ass in that good spot, while you are stuck in the shittier seat. I will push ahead to get the better spot at a concert, too. I will move fast to get to the shortest food shopping aisle, and snatch the last cart. I don’t care if you are a better person than I am because you are slow, and I am short and quick.

I will however, stand up and let the elderly or pregnant sit down on the subway.

So maybe, I am not all that bad after all…even if I am a pushy naggy thing sometimes.

  1. Brilliant!

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