Sex Tips for Dummies: Please Shave. Thanks

In sex, Uncategorized on June 14, 2013 at 3:30 am

Because I like to write something funny after my more depressing rantings, I thought I would give you all 10 little rules of thumb to help out your sex lives, in case they happen to suck.

Follow these, otherwise it won’t be about your thumbs, but instead, your hands.

These tips apply to anyone by the way. I am all for sex with whomever, as long as you exclude animals and children. Animals don’t cuddle afterwards anyway.

1-Shave the pubic hair.

This isn’t the 70’s. It’s gross and unruly. You don’t need to go bald, but make it manageable for Christ sakes. Flossing is for good dental hygiene, not sex.

If you need help shaving, enlist a professional waxer or buy a cheap Wahl’s buzzer.

2-Ask politely.

If you are rude or pushy, you should sleep alone like a friggin’ vampire for eternity. Be polite like your mother told you.

Drop this rule if you happen to be into S and M, and like being pushed around, or you are dating Hitler.

3-Brush Teeth Beforehand

Sounds like a dumb rule, but then again, most of the population is stupid. Brush teeth please. While you hover over someone, he or she doesn’t need to smell your rancid breath.

4-Relax a little.

it is okay to try something new. Your mother isn’t watching. G-d, if he or she even exists, isn’t watching. If there is a higher being, this individual is busy watching muggings and big life events, not you deciding to try role -playing for the first time. Don’t be uptight. Wear the police uniform, and put her hands behind her back.

5-Do Ask, don’t tell.

Ask a lady or man what he likes. No shame in asking for guidance. It’s more shameful to suck at what you’re doing and not care.

Don’t tell everyone what you did though. That’s crass.

6- Try other Lubes

Astroglide is not the only lube in town, nor is K-Y. Try a few out. Women parts are a bit sensitive, so I recommend playing with a few to see what works best. Besides, now you have a good excuse to politely hassle your wife.

“But Dear, wouldn’t you like to see if this lube irritates you tonight? Maybe we should try two new ones…”

7- Give and Receive

No offense but if you don’t want to visit the female genitalia for some light snacking, don’t expect it back, or vice versa. Just saying.

Don’t you remember what your fat and hairy fourth-grade teacher told you, “It’s better to give than receive.”

More giving= more receiving.

8- Don’t Fake it…unless he’s very insecure

Don’t fake it. Then the guy will never know if it’s really working when it does…unless he’s fragile. If he is fragile, fake it, or he might write a suicide note.

Do men fake it?

I am just curious

9- Lie about the number

If you’ve been rather naughty, bring that number down. Statistics aren’t needed here, but please be safe, safe, safe!! Condoms my friends.

If you haven’t been with many…I hate to say this but…you might want to beef it up a bit if you happen to be male if it happens to be a very, very small number like say, 3– 1 in reality, and 2 in your imagination. Unless you happen to both be known virgins, which in that case, enjoy, prepare for a little pain ladies, and boys, plan to land sooner than expected.

10-Be safe, and don’t compromise

Be safe. Don’t contract something. Don’t get anyone pregnant unless you have to, or want to. There are enough unwanted kids in the world already, thanks.

Don’t be with someone who is a jerk. Jerks deserve a lifetime of loneliness and abstinence. Avoid screwing a female or male jerk at all costs.

Signed, the new Dr. Ruth of the millenium, with an East Coast Accent, and a toddler in tow.

  1. Holy Jesus, I always thought 1-3 were self explanatory! Ugh especially, #3, my lord. What is wrong with people, try and kiss me with stank mouth and I would have to slap a bitch.

  2. Hahaha the shaving, yes!
    And lots of other things you said too, but seriously, I hate it when people don’t shave!! Guys or girls, it’s just gross.
    Keep up the good work 🙂

  3. I can’t bring myself to lie about the number. I just can’t. If that’s a black mark, then I suppose I have to accept it. By the way, Mercedes is a wonderful figment of my imagination.

  4. Yes ! #8 Don’t fake it ! That is the opposite of how you teach someone to do you. I am very against faking !
    And yes, guys do fake it. I’ve asked. 😀

  5. #9 gripes me,realy!Just because a 44 year old man has only had to partners does not mean he does not know what he is doing or can’t hold his load.Yes I’m talking about me,my wife of 22 years has no comlaints and neither does our unicorn!LOL

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