50% of marriages end in divorce. The other 50 % end in masturbation

I have only had one long-term relationship. My current marriage.

Until then, I hadn’t really known what it was like to really be with someone on an intimate level. I didn’t know anyone else’s poop habits, farting tendencies, dirty socks, shower habits, family mores, or anything until I got married.

I feel like I had a different learning curve than most, however, now I’m just as seasoned as the rest of you dull functioning adults. ūüėČ

I’ve stated that I thought it would be easier–marriage that is, and I also recognize that no one tells you how tough having a child with someone can be. It is glorious and wonderful, yet also really tough when it comes down to blending each other’s viewpoints on parenting. In-law problems that exist become amplified when a kid is around.

Lately, I’ve seen ¬†numerous people around me or heard of acquaintances ¬†get divorced, and it makes me wonder (not in that “Stairway to Heaven” makes me wonder way):

Why do some marriages last, and others fail? I recognize that there are some hard and fast reasons why. Clearly if you are married to a man, and it turns out that guess what, he really prefers men or pimping ho’s, you’re probably going to divorce. If your wife decides to spend 25,000 on the Home Shopping Network and bangs your 21 year-old neighbor, clearly you ought to see a lawyer.

But why, what is the reason that some marriages last?

Everyone rolls eyes. JESUS LADY. It’s because of LOVE

Love isn’t the reason. Barbie loved Ken, and she had plenty of other Ken’s. Dylan loved Brenda, but he loved Kelly too.

Plenty of people love the person that they marry, but end up divorcing anyway. Sure, some people have a more solid or real love than others, but there has to be some reasons why people just make it work over the years other than that old huge umbrella term we deem LOVE.

It’s not just WORK either. I read Facebook memes announcing how the older generation worked at marriage, while the younger generation just gives up, but the fact is, all marriages are work. The good ones too.¬† It’s when the “work” of marriage feels like a never-ending battle that it’s not work, but mere survival, and not a happy situation.

Besides, that crabby older generation also stayed deep in the mud with some terrible marriages.  The older generation dealt with marital issues through alcohol.

We deal with it through counseling, and possibly alcohol, a blind-fold, and a night at the strip club.

Look, what happens in the titty bar stays in the titty bar, so don’t ask.

I think marriages that last have a few traits from what I have seen. For what it’s worth, I have been married 5 years. I’m not a jedi, and I’m not always very good at getting this whole relationship thing, but I’ve met quite a few happily married couples (counting them as couples who have been together longer than 7 years and both admittedly happy or seeming so–tricky) and many of them seem to share these traits. I’m not a scientist, and the only research I’ve done is “Does a man’s desire to give oral correlate with a happy wife?’

Survey says?

Yes, for 200!

The couples I know who seem the happiest, seem to share the same morals and religious views. Whether the two people think there’s no God¬† or that the day begins, pauses and ends with a God, being on the same track religion wise seems essential.


Hmm. This isn’t so easy to pin down. This seems so insanely variant by relationship. I would just wager that the two partners have decided to tolerate each other’s drive, kink factors, and habits enough to find a happy medium. I’ve met numerous couples who may not have had the same sexual habits, but managed to get by as long as there was some common habits. A lot of women I spoke with gave it up to keep the men happy, even if they were a bit tired that night. Some men adjusted how they approached their women. Overall, most couples I’ve met that are happy are sexually happy as well whether they’re vanilla or kinky.


Seems the happiest of couples have either two families that like both people, or if one or both families are difficult, the happy couples stayed happy because they made tight boundaries for these difficult family members. If someone in the other family is rude to the partner, most of my happily married peers seem to be able to squash the situation, or at least side up with their partners. It seemed this made the situation better. Both recognized it’s a less than wonderful situation, but seemed on the same page during crises, or were able to manage them.


the happiest couples seem like they communicate the same amount, or can tolerate one partner’s tendency to either need frequent or little communication


the happiest couples figured out how each parent works in the family dynamic, and while they still disagree from time to time, there’s a respect that’s been created. The two parties enmesh their values on parenting enough to work well.

Let it be said that when the first kid comes, this is a learning curve. Almost every parent I know goes through a rocky period with the other parent while they “battle” it out on how to parent. It seems like it would be so intuitive and everyone would just get along all ducky, but that’s not reality. It takes awhile, so be patient.


The happiest partners and parents I know are ones with a good support network. Take the strongest couple, move them away from everything and everyone they know…give the couple a child and…bam! Ripe for conflict. It takes a village to raise a child, yet many of us do it alone.

Some of us do it alone due to family conflict, and others due to a lack of available people.

It really tests a marriage. make no mistake about it. You want to have a kid? Consider your resources, and plan ahead.

Social lives

the happiest couples seem to want the same type of social life and share some friends, or the other partner has grown used to the other person’s outgoing or introverted nature.


The tolerant 50% end in masturbation and marriage. The intolerant do not. However, what makes one person more tolerant than another?

The happiest marriages are the people who married someone whose baggage they could tolerate.

When you meet someone ask yourself this question, “Can I carry this person’s baggage for eternity?”

If you say you will meet someone without baggage, you my dear, are a fat effin’ liar.

The happiest marriages are the people who share the same values and desires.

This is all just so friggin wonderful of me to discover. We all get married believing these things.

We all believe that we love, tolerate, and share enough to make it work the rest of our lives, yet 50% of us do not collect 200.00 at Go. Some of us get stuck in Jail, and only have two properties, and neither one is Park Place.

Why then do 50% of these marriages end? Why do they not go on to bicker, love, and masturbate?

Is it because the institution is a dead one? Is it because we are all a bunch of animals? Is it because none of us knows how to talk to anyone without using a computer or a phone? Is it the blending of gender roles or the stifling economy?

Too much internet porn?

What gives? What makes some last, and others end?

50% of the world can’t be normal and the other 50% unstable. My guess is 75% of the public is unstable, so that screws with the statistics. Abnormal people probably have some happy marriages. Normal people, unhappy marriages.

The 50% that end in masturbation are probably slightly unhappy at times also, but the unhappiness is either tolerable enough, or the person is a masochist.

I wish I knew how this whole marriage thing worked truly. I feel like I am learning as I go, and I don’t like that at all.

I’d prefer a manual. Maybe I should marry a robot on the side?

Inputting into hard drive, Mrs. Laura?

Well, I’ll save that and don’t forget to edit and tweak Robot.

Ooh, I love when you edit my documents.


5 thoughts on “50% of marriages end in divorce. The other 50 % end in masturbation

  1. Jamie says:

    I think you actually hit on a lot of the reasons. First of all divorce was so taboo even when we were little kids TV shows wouldn’t talk about it in epidsodes and now it is so socially acceptable I think that people sometimes enter into marriage not considering it to be “til death do us part” and when we realize it does we might want to help that event along. Not to mention the economy has been on a downward slope for very long time now, this forced a 2 income household which makes life that much harder and your kids that much less parentally influenced. This is why little girls look up to idiots like Snooki and Kim K., that’s who is raising them, this is what they watch this is what they emulate!!! Disturbing!! Then there is the other economic factor that the job market is atrocious and there are so many American homes in forclosure the banks and sheriffs dept can’t keep up with them. People are stressed and can’t get by letting one parent stay home anymore and the money we make is so devalued we can’t get half of what we used to get for the same amount. Marriage like any relationship take a lot of patience, understanding, caring and humilty. Anyone who can’t make that time for that mindset isn’t good at most relationships I would imagine.

    • frommtvtomommy says:

      The economy is another accurate reason. I do think counseling can help though. It has helped folks I know. If you work at it, I guess anything is possible…sometimes a mediator is necessary!

  2. amiechadwick says:

    I have given up on marriage but continue to look for the relationship that will last. Marriage seems to be a stifling event, in and of itself. Marriage places a lot of weight on the shoulders of both people. I would prefer to be true to one, the one-and-only, but who knows if the one is the one-and-only? I believe in love, laughter, sex…but I think honesty is what really makes a relationship work. And, that is tough to find: honesty. Love & Blessings

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