Lessons on How to be a Douche: Etiquette for Jerks

There are times in all of our lives when sometimes we as individuals are unsure as to how one should behave in a particular situation. However, there are some people who have no freaking clue on how to behave, ever. Here are a few tips on how to follow these losers’ leads, and be a douche just like the best of them.

#1- Play Your Heavy Metal Loud. All. Day. Long

A little Black Sabbath never hurt anyone, A lot of Black Sabbath and other heavy metal or really ANY kind of music on loud, all day, when you live in an apartment complex, townhome, or any neighborhood near others, is totally douchey.

I am glad you sold your soul for rock and roll arse, but I don’t need to hear your music all day. Go pump some iron and smoke a joint while listening to your music at ear-splitting volume at someone else’s house.


#2 Advice, Unwanted

If you really want to be a total jerk, just go up to any old tiny female, one about my size, and try to give her workout tips even though she didn’t want any. Even though you have a beer belly and legs the size of twigs, I am sure that a very cut and fit athletic woman wants your input because you know, she’s only 100 pounds or so, and she must need your advice, Gut Boy. We wouldn’t want to leave the poor woman clueless now, would we?

#3  Don’t Wave.

If you want to go to Hell, don’t wave at a young toddler who waves to you. In fact, turn around, give the child a grimace and the finger. That would be more appropriate.

#4 Ignore Child/Children. Stay on phone.

When you are at the park, pool, or anywhere else in public, ignore your filthy kids, and instead stay on your phone. It is way more important, I’m sure. No, you shouldn’t watch your kid ram into mine or other unsuspecting kids on the playground. No, you shouldn’t watch your kids go around like wild animals. Instead, continue you with your life. Kids aren’t that important anyway, right?

#5 Advise on timing of babies

It’s always necessary to tell other folks when to have kids if you want to be a MEGA DOUCHE.

If a woman has a kid who’s already—GASP–2 years old, it’s time to advise her to get on top of kid #2. How dare she let that uterus rest? Doesn’t she know she has the world to populate? That she was put on the planet to make tons of little unemployed minimum-wage earning mutants?

Or better yet, if she has many kids, it is your advice to close down the shop now! Tell that woman to shut down the garage, and tie those tubes. How dare she muck up the planet with her filthy kids?

#6 Don’t Leash Your Dog

If you want to be an ignorant douche, do not leash your dog. Dogs don’t need to be leashed. It’s okay for you to put their innocent lives at risk by not leashing them and risking them getting hit by a car. It’s okay for them to shit wherever they want. It’s okay for a dog on a leash to be threatened by your unleashed mongrel. It’s totally okay. Dogs are animals and need to be free. No, the word domesticated in front of that can’t possibly be real if you’re a super douche. No, dogs should just run free and risk injuring themselves or another. That’s what douches do, and douches don’t care what happens, because we all know leashing a dog is cruel and unusual punishment.

#7 Gawk at Women’s Bodies

Women are not on this earth to be humans you know. If you’re a Douche, you know that woman are here to be looked at, poked at/in, and dominated. Women are not equal. Women are just hot pieces of ass to be enjoyed and discarded. It is totally okay to make comments about a woman’s body when she doesn’t know or even like you. Yup, that’s awesome!

I hope these tips help you become the best douche you can be, or at least commiserate with me that there are way too many inconsiderate douches in the world.

Thank you, and excuse me while I let my dog shit on your lawn, flaunt my boobies everywhere, unleash my child to run free and terrorize others while I go on Facebook at the park, and blast my Run DMC for my whole lovely neighborhood to hear.


4 thoughts on “Lessons on How to be a Douche: Etiquette for Jerks

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