How to Treat a Woman: Women 101 for Dummies, aka, everyone without a vagina

In love, Uncategorized on August 27, 2013 at 1:48 am

Okay, so I don’t mean to offend my lovely male readers, of whom I have quite a lot, so just know that you are all the exception to the dummy rule. Clearly, there are bright and brilliant men in this world as much as there are ones who are not. However with that said, I have devised an amazing set of strategies, tips, and other goodies for the XY individual who is interested in keeping a woman around, while also managing to be sane. We can be a handful, but we deserve to be loved properly. Read my tips and find fulfillment, love, and/ or reasons to jump off a cliff.

Trust in me, as I wouldn’t steer you wrong.

That would cost me way too much in legal fees.

I can pretty much guarantee that somewhere in these amazing gems of mine heh heh, you will find pearls of wisdom that you will find unfathomable to live without.

#1- But She Loves the Assholes

Ever met a woman who really likes jerks? You know, the kind that would like to be shaken rather than held? The woman who pines away after the man who stole her pocketbook, slept with her sister, and told her she was ugly?

These women are not convert-able. She will never love a nice man until she gains self-esteem. You are best left holding her hand, rather than sharing her bed. She will dump you if you are an inch nice, and if you are a douchebag, you are simply propagating her self-esteem issues, which is messed up.

#2 The Aloof Woman

She will feign interest in you at times, and others she will bite her nails greedily while thinking of some other conversation in her head, ignoring your deep passionate diatribe on group sports.

This fickle lady is really not worth a lot of your time.

Just ignore her. She’s just not that into you.

#3 The Dropped Hints

We women like to drop hints. We tell you things we like…things we are interested in doing or seeing…in the hopes that somewhere in the verbal comprehension sections in your brain, smushed next to the dominant sphere of visual sightings, that you will pick up that we want you to take us or give us, or do these things with us together. We want to ask you, but we are afraid of rejection. We hope that like us, you are detail-oriented enough ( a real stretch) to realize that it would mean so much to us if you would simply pay attention and notice the little things we like.

It means more to us than you having a big paycheck.

So if she mentions that she loves chocolate, the MOMA, or hiking, try integrating these into dates. It shows you are paying attention and young man, we like to give A’s for those sorts of things.

Fact is, men remember stuff they care about. If a guy never picks up on these hints or remembers things about you, he doesn’t give a shit or has had severe brain trauma, in which case, he should be forgiven.

#4 And she looks good

A woman may dress up for her female friends, but if she is around you and looks very presentable/sexy/cleaned up, she wants you to tell her she looks nice.

Is it really that hard?

Readers say,”Yes, Laura. Men make ineffective or minimal to no comments despite our long efforts to look good.”

Have you ever smushed two pieces of flesh between wire all day?

Have you clamped your eyelashes down in an attempt to make them longer?

Have you ever done wishful lip-glossing, a method first noted in the film Pretty In Pink in which a girl reapplies lipstick as she fretfully waits for her date’s arrival?

No. You are men. You shave. Maybe. You dress yourself.

Your balls are not sore from underwire.

You have never gone home with blisters from high heels, unless of course you are a cross-dresser, which is cool by me.

So damnit, say something! Tell her she looks good. She’s not binding her feet for you, but she went to a whole lot of trouble for your sorry butt.

Notice her.

#5 Go Somewhere

It is unfair but often true, that dudes pay for dates. In long-term relationships or marriages, not as much, but men bear the brunt of financial responsibility when it comes to dates.

That said, not every dude is rolling in the dough.

Before you go and tie yourself to a train track, realize that women are okay with this as long as you aren’t living with your mother—unless in a special circumstance of course. Money cannot buy love.

But before you ask her to just watch the cars whizz by, take her out somewhere. For a walk…to the beach…movies. Coffee Shop. The Corner. Wherever.

Just make a damn effort. Men can be so lazy and while it can be attractive laying around with you, we women want men to make some effort.

We are not expecting miracles. We don’t even mind a homecooked meal of Ramen Pride. It’s the effort and not the product that counts.

Take some time, and we are easily pleased beyond what you think.

Bonus Tip: If you wait too long to ask her out, or amble on for a long time between seeing her, she is probably going to move on.

#6 One in a Million

If you are going out with a bunch of chicks, tell her. Don’t be a douche and play around. She may never know, but chances are one day, some girl will find out, and you will end up very sorry, potentially with your balls in a vice grip.

If you are committed and doing this, the possibilities of torture are endless.

I think being honest gives a woman a chance to leave if she doesn’t want to be one in your pack of cards.

Most people want to feel special… and not like the soup of the day, so be honest that you’ve got a lot of flavors please. For all you know she may be totally okay with that, and even seeing a bunch of guys herself. It’s just good to be honest.

#7  Short brief phrases

When a person with breasts and ovaries starts to break into brief snippets of language…when she gets terse and quiet, you are basically in deep, deep shit.

You are in such deep shit.

You are probably on the verge of being potentially poisoned.

Okay, no seriously though when a woman is upset she may be afraid to tell you so instead, she starts to shut down and respond briefly in order to contain her real feelings.

Your best method is to either give her time to cool down, or in my opinion, ask her what you have done wrong to hurt her, because there’s a good chance you have hurt her feelings pretty terribly.

As direct as I am, sometimes I am afraid to admit I am upset because it makes me feel vulnerable, and I hate that.

Go easy solider.

#8 Wishy Washy

You may like a woman, but you might be unsure about her. Part of you may want her…and the other part may be reluctant. This can happen if you’ve been hurt a lot or if you’re just a flaky person, but here are some techniques to deal with this and expectations.

–try spending some more time with the woman in order to determine why you are wishy washy. Are you fearful of being burned? Are you unsure if you like her?

Spending more time will help you get to the answer.

–you can try backing away also but recognize that you run the risk of losing out totally.

Wishy Washy dudes: women may like you at first, but eventually we leave you. Eventually we are sick of waiting for you to get on board. When we leave you, you all seem to regret it, yet some dudes never learn their lessons.

If you’re not sure if she’s the one for you, expect she will find someone else, and not look back.

This is the risk of being indecisive.

#9 Oh So Quiet

If a woman is very quiet, you may need to be patient when getting to know her. You might need to ease up and not be too pushy. Ask her out, but give her some time. She has plenty to say, she’s just deciding if you are worth the risk.

#10 The Bitchy Friends

If a girl has a lot of bitchy friends, just steer clear. Underneath that sweet exterior is an animal in the making. There’s nothing wrong with being assertive, but this woman might just eat you for breakfast simply because she can!

#11 The Body Talk

When you see her naked for the first time, rejoice! Rejoice not only because you are about to get some, but also because this woman decided to reveal her body to you. She chose you, you lucky thing. Body issues run rampant in women. I have heard 12-year old girls saying they feel fat. The world is fucked up. Women are suffering as a whole, so no matter how hot, fat, thin, curvy, or unique her body is, praise it!

Tell her how beautiful she is, and name the things you like. Let her know that you value the fact that she is letting you see her naked. This is not to be taken lightly.

It doesn’t matter if you are married or dating, don’t take advantage and assume she already knows because if you do, she may leave you for someone more attentive, and guess what? I wouldn’t blame her.

#12 Invest in Us. Tell us Your Secrets

I think the worst thing a partner had ever told me in my romantic life was that he really didn’t need me for anything.

People want to be needed. Sure, there are the few heartless soul suckers who don’t care, but most people want to be needed. Tell her things about yourself and your passions if you want to be close to her. Let her help you if she wants to help with something. Put your faith in her. Make her feel as if she is needed by you.

#13 The Anxious Girl, Written by the Original Anxious Girl

We talk a lot when we are nervous. We stumble over what we say. We second-guess ourselves at times. We are wondering if you care, and when you say nothing, we pull away for fear of being hurt.

Be nice to the Anxious Girl. She puts her heart out, yet as she does this, she is afraid, and aren’t we all? Aren’t we all afraid to be hurt? It is the most painful thing in the world, this thing called love.

Let her chat away, and eventually she will slow down and feel at ease. If you’re a good listener and a decent guy, she will feel at home right away.

Well kids, this may have been the least sarcastic and most helpful list to date.

I have been through a lot and really hope that some poor sucker can learn about the complicated dealings of females from me.

If I keep one of you from being dumped or left, I have done my job as a citizen.

If a couple bangs happily in the night tonight, at least I can know I have done my part and someone is getting off properly.


  1. I especially loved the “anxious girl”, it was super accurate

  2. I would ‘like’ this twice if I could

    Great advice, and so accurate. The short brief phrases = you’re in deep shit is so me ! 😆

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: