This year I was supposed to be the proud owner of two kids.
Guess what? I wasn’t.
We did not have a baby again, in March of 2013.
Our only kid was born in March of ’11.
It sucked, basically. Roughest time, and it really showed which family and friends were there for us. Isn’t it funny how some family members can be the crappiest during the roughest time of our lives?
Anywhoo, I blogged about this loss, and while this was easily one of the roughest years in my life, something big came of it all.
I birthed me.
Cue the new age music. Cue the Yanni. Break out the Dr. Phil and Oprah.
When you have a baby, your personality and goals can really be shoved by the way side because let’s face it, the kid’s needs are way more important, and hell, you’ve got a lot to figure out now that you’re a mom. You and Dad or you and your partner need to figure out the rigmarole of a new life. It’s stressful, however joyful it may be.
And no one can express to you how hard it will be, but it is.
I endured 3 sick pregnancies– January 2010 to August 2012, and so my goals and life were drastically different from when I had first graduated Columbia.
This year, as sad as it has been, has also brought me many great things.
A new job–a real job, one I like and can learn a lot from.
An almost finished memoir. I give myself until November for it to be done.
My comedy act is on the stage again.
I see friends.
I decided that if I wanted to be happy, I had to do everything in my own power to make myself happy. I couldn’t wait for it to come to me. I couldn’t let life’s stressors and disappointments keep me from moving ahead. I had to move ahead no matter what was put in my path. No matter who deserted me or supported me. No matter what fell my way.
If I want happiness and some semblance of a life, I have to make that happen.
And I am.
And this is a major thing.
It is hard because I am juggling a lot, and I am missing out too,. Making one choice means eliminating another choice, and that is never easy, but it is life.
As alone as I have felt this year, I am not alone because I have myself. I am stronger than I give myself credit for, and more capable too.
I only wish I could remember this.
I feel it’s a flawless female socialized gene to doubt ourselves or feel bad for what we want.
I know that this year is already onto greater things, even if it means I am one year older and one step closer to Botox. PS. having a cute dermatologist doesn’t help the matter.
I just have to remember to keep moving ahead for happiness, even when things are low. My daughter stands to gain so much from a mother who always moves ahead with her head held high, and the rewards from my good choices will float on down to her, the most important person in my life.
See? I learned all that without any self-help books, Dr. Phil, Dr. Oz, or psychotherapy (although I am a believer in therapy).
This message was brought to you by the tiniest dose of self-esteem, and ice cream cake, dairy’s answer to anti-depressants.