Are you unhappily married?
Are you too lazy to bother trying anymore?
Do you not give a crap?
Do you remember your wife’s/husband’s name?
Were you in a coma or under severe sedation during your wedding?
Think about those answers, and let’s talk about how to ruin your marriage and get divorced in just 5 easy steps.
#1 Marry someone you don’t love and have anything in common with.
This is a crucial step. If you marry someone you love, you will have to work hard. Marriage is hard work, even in the best marriages. So, pick someone you don’t really care about, and you’ll be able to get out faster. If you guys have nothing in common, you’ll probably die out faster too. Besides, this way you don’t have to talk to the person, which is a lot of work anyway. Sure, conversations are interesting for the first few years, but trust me after awhile, you’ll be slackjawed with nothing to say.
#2 Make sure your family hates this person.
This way, your family will torture the person so much, that he or she will be bound to run away forever, begging for a divorce. Bonus points if one of your family members actually engages in physical torture. The best way to tear someone down though, is constant criticism, and no support. A few years of that, and you’ll be signing papers in no time.
#3 Don’t praise, touch, or listen to the person.
Doing these things will only simply make the person love you more, and think you want to stay. Touch is a powerful thing, and unless you’re shoving each other, tender touches will simply increase intimacy. If you want a divorce, that’s the last thing you want to do. You want the couch to yourself, damnit.
#4 Put the person down
The more you put this person down, the more likely it is that the person will hate you, which is the goal. If you constantly remind the person that he or she is a total idiot, chances are that person won’t love you anymore–voila–divorce!
#5 Lie. Cheat. Steal.
If you really want a divorce, it’s time to start lying, cheating, and stealing well…I don’t know. You figure that part out. I can’t always break out the gems now, can I? The more you lie and cheat, the more chances you have of paying alimony or getting alimony.
Disclaimer: if you try these methods and don’t get a divorce, don’t blame me for your misery or for the fact that you married a masochist.
If you want a happy marriage, try not being a dick. It usually works.