The other day while trying to get my kid to listen to me–she’s 2.5–I said it:
“Why? Because I’m the mom, and you’re the daughter. I make the rules.”
“I’m the mom, and you listen to me. I’m in charge.”
Like hell you do and like hell you are, she probably thought.
She was throwing her socks and shoes in the car. Sounded like a damn party in the backseat of my Accord.
Yeah, that’s how I roll.
I really pulled a good one out the other day when she told me she didn’t like me, and liked her daddy better.
“Yeah well, that’s great. I only gave birth to you, ya know? I only suffered severe pain for you.”
I’m pretty sure she wasn’t impressed. She didn’t even bat an eyelash.
I needed a glass of wine so badly that night.
The best though, was the other day when she wouldn’t eat her food.
“Did you know that there are kids starving in Africa without food?”
Because you know, all toddlers share great empathy for Third-World Starvation.
A real classic “Laura” is whenever she tells me she “wants” something, which is about every second of every day, I tell her this:
“And I want a young boyfriend and a million dollars. Can you work that in for me?”
I am waiting for the day when she says yes.
My mom used to ask me “If everyone jumped off the Brooklyn Bridge, would you do it?”
At first I just looked at her, but as I got older I started to say yes just to piss her off.
I fear for my life people.
The other day my daughter said, “Take that lipstick off Mommy, and stop being so fresh.”
This was a direct reincarnation of my 4th grade teacher who after seeing me play with lipstick during class, (I got it from one of my sisters’ draws) said :
“Take that off Laura! You look like a slut!”
Needless to say, the bitch retired a year later.
I still feel very satisfied when I wear my red lipstick, Teacher.
Sluts have feelings too, old lady.
The point is, I have no clue where my kid got that from, but I can only hope that I can start pulling some better one-liners than the crap I’m saying lately.
I get flustered, and I start to retreat in the far corners of my brain and repeat things I saw on 80’s sitcoms. It’s very effective parenting.
Can’t you tell?
If I get desperate I can tell her what my older sister used to say to me after I had finished teasing her and her boyfriend and making “kissy” sounds while the two were hanging out:
“Respect your elders Laura.”
My 20 year-old sister used the word “elder” as if she were 82 and eating jello in the Old Age Home wearing a diaper.
If I ever say, “Respect your elders,” feel free to smack me.
A Lady Who Believes in Women’s Rights to Wear Red Lipstick.