If You Can’t Handle the Claus-ing, Then Get Out Of The Costume

I went to see Santa Claus with my daughter today. Since I grew up Jewish, I find all this Christmas stuff to be great fun!

My daughter has seen the same Santa for the past 3 years, (she will be 3 at the end of March) and he’s pretty legit looking. I didn’t tug on his beard, but he’s definitely got the Santa look down pat. Of course, he was lacking in a few other ways.


This year instead of it just being my daughter on his lap, after getting a few shots with her ( she didn’t bat an eye, and simply sat on his lap) I decided to join in on the fun.

“I’ve never sat on Santa’s lap before,” I said coyly.

“Well what have you been waiting for?” he asked.

“I grew up Jewish,” I replied.

I have to say that I enjoyed sitting on his lap more than most 30 somethings would, but I have a complaint to make.

The dude was so mellow.

Since when was Santa supposed to act like he was on qualuudes or Xanax?

I mean, I’m sure it’s a rough job having babies cry and piss all over you all day ,(that does happen, doesn’t it? Or is this Jewish myth?) or having fat kids crush your balls while they list the gazillion toys they’d like to get this year, but is being Santa all that bad?

Bad Santa

While trying to get my daughter who was “chilling out” on his lap after a grueling day of photo taking for our holiday cards, he was numbly saying, “Smile for the camera sweetie.”

What the hell happened to jolly and gay?

He didn’t even ask her what he wanted for Christmas. She’s going to be 3, not 1 dude. She could easily recite the Constitution if I taught her. Ask her what she wants jerk. Isn’t that the way it’s supposed to be? We come to you with our deep sexual, I mean deep desires for presents, and you ask us what we want? Then you give it to us good.

Okay, so clearly I have some issues. I just thought he might have asked her what she wanted Santa to bring. We had already discussed this. She was ready to blow the fat bastard out of the water with her requests?

Whatever happened to ho-ho-ho’s and big belly laughs?

Time is money my friend, and I just dropped $40 bucks to get a bunch of portraits with your bearded asss. Let’s get into it, shall we?

A little talk of Rudolph? A little belly gut roll?

What is wrong with the world when Santas are lazy?

I mean, pal, you could be working in a sweatshop in a Third World Country.

You could be flipping burgers. You could be cleaning toilets.

Does it take a Jewish girl to properly hire a Santa and train one?

I would wage my bets, yes, indeed it may.

I started to get my kid into it, and she flashed her beautiful smile. When I sat on Santa’s lap, I think she got a real kick out of it.

Santa might have too, but I didn’t check to see if he was hard.

I figured that sort of behavior would have been frowned upon by the establishment.

Although maybe it would have made him a bit more jolly.

Enjoy all your Santa outings!

If any of you Santas need a good agent, feel free to contact me.

Candy canes and Kisses,


One thought on “If You Can’t Handle the Claus-ing, Then Get Out Of The Costume

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s