Some moms are truly delectable. They’ve got awesome bodies, make for good dates, and might just be in the porn your husband watched last night, but that’s another topic.
Some moms are pretty haggard, but let’s not focus on that. No matter how beautiful, ugly, thin, fat, curvy, or straight-hipped you are, being “sexy” all the time like many of us attained to in her twenties is a baffling goal when you’re chasing down a toddler who is screaming, “I’m exercising,” while doing some sort of drugged Richard Simmons moves in the middle of a Manhattan restaurant. Running in stillettos and screaming, “On the count of 3, I need you to come back here or you’re gonna end up in a time-out,” is not all that sexy.
Wearing stillettos at a lounge while you talk to a Brad Pitt look-alike is.
So here’s my “go-to-guide” for sexing it up when you’re a mom.
Don’t you love when you get yourself all pretty, (somehow you did this while your kid stood on your laptop, smacked the dog, and tried on your bras) and then your kid cries all over your sleeve, so your pretty winter white sweater now as a streak of yellow and white boogers on it?
It’s so sexy.
Remember the days when you got a little lipstick on your sweater, pre-kid, and you sobbed?
Instead of being a whiny cry baby or changing, embrace the snot. When people ask you (these people will probably be men) what the hell that is on your sweater, tell them you and your husband or partner got a bit wild.
Ask him if he’s into armpits…
Sneakers or Stilettos
If you’ve ever chased a child from running in the street, grabbed the arm of a toddler about to smack a stranger’s kid, or struggled to get an unhappy kid into your car, you know the value of sneakers. It’s too bad converse aren’t considered hot sex appeal. If it were, I’d be the hottest lady around. I prefer my hot pink pair.
When I was sans child, I wore heels in all kinds of crazy situations and places. There are a few times I’m lucky I didn’t crack my head open. It didn’t matter how painful the shoes, my feet were going in them.
If you’re that adept at wrangling a child or going into a bounce house in high heels, more power to you. In my experience it doesn’t work, so instead of going the sneaker route, I opt for a flat boot that at least makes me feel more womanly and less matronly when in sneakers.
Yup, I’m that vain.
If you can’t be bothered, work a belly shirt with your sneakers…as long as you’re Kosher with your belly showing.
Bat Your Eyes
The days of making sexy conversation while you’re wiping chocolate off your kid’s face or getting smacked in the face because you told your toddler no, are over.
Face the facts that if your child is with you, conversation no longer exists. We might as well be reduced to grunting like cave men.
If you are a single mom or just like to flirt, utilize less words, and more body language. Batting your eyes or flipping your hair could work, unless of course your kid is pulling on it.
Another option is knocking into the guy or simply screaming over your toddler who is certain he would like to knock down every item on the store shelves, “I like you! Yeah, you. Can you scream to me your name and number?”
It certainly eliminates the guess work.
I don’t work out in makeup or anything, but I like my beauty routine, and I’m a tad vain. I’ll go out with nothing on, but I prefer to look polished. If your child has ate, smeared, ruined, or flushed your makeup away, or you simply don’t have time to put any on, you might want to use some baby puree for gloss or hell, maybe even blush.
At least you’ll smell good.
If that doesn’t float your boat, you can get a great glow by chasing around your child, who is probably not listening to you and just thinking, “Fuck off mom.”
That’s okay because as you’re running, you’re thinking the same thing.
Dewy look more your thing? Chasing a child equals sweat, and if you’re not chasing a kid, I can guarantee one of your angels has dumped liquid on you today.
Remember ladies, a dewy look hides wrinkles.
Moral of the Story:
Moms are indeed sexy, and in fact, we like to have sex too, despite all those rumors about us being prude wallflowers.
Try one out and you might be pleased, just don’t expect the high heels