A Mom’s Christmas List: What we really want

I know it’s the thought that counts, but sometimes people’s thoughts suck.

If it says, “As Seen on TV” on the box, I can tell you right now it’s a shitty gift unless the person is 80.

If it’s a sequined sweater or involves rhinestone patches and puffy paint, I don’t care if poor kids in Taiwan made it or my own kid concocted it.

Don’t wrap it!

Here is a list for  what kids should give to their mothers…and a “gift list” for those of you other halves  buying for a mom–or at least, a mom like me

From the Kids:

Our Empty Threats

We would like you to listen to our empty threats about Santa. When we shake our finger, point at a creepy Elf on a shelf, (not doing it myself) or tell you how you’ll end up on the naughty list, damnit, believe us and do what we ask.

And whatever you do, please stop screaming “Poopy Pants,” and pinching your nipples in public.


Other Asides

It’s also you know cool,  if you don’t tell all of your mom’s friends that they’re on the naughty list. And if you don’t scream how you want Daddy when Daddy is at work, and by the way, did I mention I went into serious labor and pain to bring you into the world? 

Yeah, exactly. Don’t whine for Daddy. He’s not here. He’s not giving you your way. You’re stuck with Mom, aka, Bad Cop.

You know, the one who doesn’t say yes all the time?

Be good for us. Hitting your mother in public is punishable by throwing stones in other countries.

Be glad this is America kid. 😉

As you hit us, all we do is wish we could sink into the floor, never to be seen as people in the public stare at us wondering how bad of a mother we must be to have our kid bitch-slap us.


Also,  when we tell you at night to go to bed, it would be kinda sweet if you didn’t ask us to give you water 1 million times. There are kids without any water…

Do you really need your blanket refolded seventy times?

This isn’t orgami. This isn’t the blanket olympics.

Go. the. fuck. to. sleep.


And if you decide to venture into my bed, that’s fine. I could use the body warmth but do not kick my head.

For the love of god, also please don’t put your giant head on my one boob.

Or your elbow in my throat.

Remember, your mother brought you into the world.

Feel free to elbow Daddy. He just made a nice deposit and wiped his hands of the rest.

Shopping 101

Please don’t look at us while we shove your gifts in the shopping cart. Look the other way, so we can continue to use the empty threat of Santa.

Also, don’t cry when we exit a toy aisle screaming, “I’ll miss Cinderella! I’ll miss Cinderella! I’ll miss Cinderella!”

You barely know her. She could come from the wrong side of the tracks for all you know. Besides, her step-sisters are total bitches anyway.

Your desires

Toys with sound. Cluttery shit like barbies, dolls with tiny parts, legos that lodge in your heel, big colorful and grotesque plastic: no thanks.

Why not a nice book or encyclopedia? How about a pack of cards?

Or a nice blanket that folds perfectly to suit your obsessiveness?

For the Men, or Women: Better Half

If you are out holiday shopping

Five Golden Rings

What woman wouldn’t want jewlery? If every kiss begins with beer, every fuck continues with diamonds.

Just ask Marilyn.

You don’t need to buy the most expensive bauble ever, but we are enticed by shiny things, just like men. Watch a man’s eyes when he sees a new car.


Young and Handsome

While most moms could use a maid, a nice cabana boy would fare much better. Someone to feed us grapes and chocolate as we lie on the couch doing nothing, because you know, it’s so easy to be a mom.

Every mom could use a nice cabana boy. If she’s a lesbian, get her a nice cabana girl.

Cleaning, manual labor, errands, massages, and other “perks” of the job…these are things a mom can use, not a crockpot.

Save your kitchen utensil gifts for the cabana boy.

Applications can be taken here.

If you’re an older man…don’t hesitate to apply.

Just be established. We like that!

A Maid

If you are totally against your partner oogling some guy or chick, you suck, but I guess we can forgive you if you agree to get her a maid this year–especially if she is working!

Screw scarves, gloves, body lotion, and  Dunkin Donuts giftcards.

Give her a maid! She will be happier than a pig in shit, and quite possibly willing to give you that threesome you’ve been asking for with her hot friend.

Okay, so that’s never going to happen…depending on the lady I guess, but she will be happy to get a maid!


If she complains she’s fat all the time, give her a reason to say it.

Give the life-alerting and orgasmic gift of chocolate.

And when I mean chocolate, I mean hell to the N-O- on Hershey’s, Russel Stover, and any other crap you find in the drugstore.

**one exception to the rule: Dove chocolates.

Give her Godiva. Give her Lindt. Give her chocolates imported from Germany. Give her cocoa luxuries from a local chocolatier…

See, you’re even supporting the little man when you buy local!


Cook, damnit

Make her meals for a week. That would mean more than some junk you picked up at the last minute because you were a chump and a procrastinator. Yeah you, chump.

And I don’t mean microwavable meals–or three course servings either. Just lighten up the domestic culinary load.

Listen up

Make your kids listen to her. I don’t care if it involves chinese water torture, or okay, maybe I do, but make those little punks listen, and listen well!

Listen up, Part II

Tell the kids to go to bed, and mean it. If they wake up, you are to lock them up so that lovely Mom can sleep. It is hard work being so amazing, beautiful, and multi-tasking.

And you too

Try to remember almost everything she says for one day.

If every kiss begins with a beer, every fuck with a diamond, an orgy could commence if you manage to retain her ramblings for more than an hour.

Boost the morale boys.

Homemade gifts

From the kids, not you.

Unless you’re talented.

In which case, I’m sorry but, hold off on your burgeoning desire to be an artist.  Scribbles are cute from kids, not grown men. That boat has sailed. Why not become a lawyer or doctor instead?

If you’re talented, commission yourself and paint a photo of her favorite person/people: her kids/s.


You’re kinda lazy. Buy something that will never be lazy, and always complete the task.

When in doubt

Ask a woman to help you. She will know what to do.


Merry, Merry, Merry:


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