The other day I felt saddled with depression.
I say saddled because depression is like this nasty bitch that tries to choke you ten feet deep in the water. No matter how hard you try to get to the surface, depression grabs you by your gray-colored glassed throat and keeps you under.
I blame the holidays.
Between birthdays, family functions, and holidays, there are a lot of expectations in the air.
Quite frankly, I have only celebrated Christmas a few years now, and I am not sure how everyone does this.It’s the most wonderful time of the year, but it also comes with a set of expectations and demands that aren’t always easy to meet.
I had recently done a string of nice things for a bunch of different people, and while sure we all say we do nice things because we want to be nice, let’s be honest with ourselves: we do nice stuff because we want people to like us more.
When we feel that we don’t get that reciprocation back, it basically sucks.
I don’t care if there are a bunch of gold stars for me in a metaphorical heaven. I want the reward here on earth, thanks.
What boggles my mind even further is how a family member didn’t have much nice to say about me after I had done something that took care and effort, yet the person was sure to go on and on about another family member who does zilch for just about everyone.
Maybe it’s easy to just put down the ones who are clearly shining and trying to do something great?
And I even outstretched my hand for this particularly moody type who is hard to pin down, and after giving a gift (to which I did not expect a present back at all) I barely got a thank you.
Is this what Christmas is all about? Unrequited appreciation?
I will take my 8 days of mellow Hanukkah, thanks.
I just have this feeling that there are some people around me who simply just don’t value what makes Laura, Laura.
And during the holidays, feeling these things are just really, well, shitty.
And with the mega-orgasmic climax of Christmas in which you are expecting the world to shift, miracles to happen, and people to show you they love you, you can be pretty kneed in the nuts when this doesn’t happen.
You can walk away licking some serious wounds, which is why quite honestly, Hanukkah is the easier holiday.
Les stress, less expectation, and less spending–it seems.
Although I will say Christians make a damn good holiday song, and there is nothing better than a fattening and carb-coma Christmas dinner.
I am still remembering the chocolate-caramel brownie concoctions of which I ate about 30 yesterday.
More like 4, but still. It’s the kind of chocolate goodness that you want to go on forever and ever…and ever…
The holidays are this pinnacle of hopes/let-downs/ and dreams all shoved into a few days, and within this time slot, I have had the time to just take in who or who hasn’t made a point to show me that I matter, because you know what, sometimes it’s okay to be selfish.
it’s okay to want to be wonderful to someone else–and to feel like the most important thing in the world for at least 50 days.
5 minutes. At least 5 minutes.
But instead, I sometimes walk away from holidays feeling like I have been the least important thing for an eternity,
I was pondering why, when I realize that most people don’t express their devotion and love to friends and family on a daily basis so as whole, we humans are craving this recognition. That’s the true reason for most holidays. A time to help out the unemotional and expressive share their unexpressed love and care for other people.
This Christmas, we spent Christmas Day up with extended family for the first time, and that my friends, was exactly what my injured little heart needed.
To be around kind and positive people for a few hours that made all of us feel good.
I thought long and hard about how maybe it is time for me to stop making an effort with others who show me less than what I deserve, but I realize that that would never happen.
I will always be me, and part of being me and being kind and loving, even when I shouldn’t be sometimes.
I guess you could say I’ve got year-round Christmas spirit.
Hope yours was merry, and not too blue.