Because I am a nice girl and am already petitioning Santa for 2014, here are some quick and easy tips to help you get laid tonight.
#1 Give her a massage
Chicks like massages. We like massages like a cat likes fish my friend. Offer to rub us. Don’t be a bitch ladies. If he massages you, you better offer up something. Cuddling just won’t do. When you go to the spa, does she do it for free? No, the masseuse doesn’t. If you’re certain that you wouldn’t touch his thing with a ten-foot pole no matter how hard he rubs, tell him before he works on your spine.
#2 Wash yourself for Christ’s sake
Men are total slobs sometimes. I don’t find you sexy in your wifebeater from your high school years, thanks. Shave a bit. Wash yourself. Do a few sit-ups. Just make yourself look a bit sexier.
#3 There won’t be a threesome tonight
Glad you think my friend is hot. Don’t wanna hear it that much though. If you want kink, plug in a porn and let’s watch, but be sure to not invoke any of my friends as characters, okay?
#4 Make sex as easy an option as possible
If she is a mom or works 60+ hours a week, clean the house, cook dinner, and run errands for her. Tell the kids to go to bed and shut up. Make sex the easiest option. if she is tired, simply place a bulls-eye around the old “beam,” lie in the middle of the bed, and then tell her to simply land.
#5 Keep your mouth shut
This is not the night to tell her that those pants are ugly or how her cooking tastes like dirty tampons. This is also not the night to rag on her sister. This is the night to lie your face off. Tell her you love her dirty tampon cooking, and her annoying sister.
Tell her she doesn’t look fat in those pants.
Studies show men who shut the hell up about cooking and family matters are more apt to get oral and less likely to experience early cremation.
**Not sure of the accuracy of said studies though.