You’re special. You’re one of a kind. Truly. There’s no competition. No one else ready to take your toys or your college fund money.
You’re the apple of your parents’ eyes.
You’re the focus of their worlds.
Everything is all about you, you, you, you, you.
Here’s a list of shit parents of Only-Children Do:
(By Moi, owner of one child, proud parent of a future honor student, future parent-kicking-bullies asses’ kind of mom)
Say Cheese. Say Cheese Again. And Again.
Want to know if someone has only one kid? Go to the park, store, museum, school, or sidewalk. The parent will be behind a camera lens shooting photo after photo of the most benign shit possible.
“Look! She picked her nose!”
“See? I told you she knew a square from a circle. Pose for the camera honey.”
We are so busy documenting our kid’s life just in case he or she might feel lonely. Besides, ten photos of our child is not enough to fill our office. We need five million.
Only children are known to be academically successful, much like older siblings in a multiple sibling family.
So basically, we are the parents sounding out the alphabet when the kid is six months old.
“Do you think she understood what I said?”
“Why dear, she already knows her alphabet,” speaking about an eight-month old child.
We don’t have another kid to put our energies into. We don’t have to worry about two college kid funds. We just have to worry that our one and only amazing child gets into Harvard or one of the Ivies on early-admission. Way early.
Like no older than 15.
Ps. We are the parents with five bumper stickers about how awesomely awesome our honor-honor, too fucking kick-ass great kid is, and that we don’t feel bad bragging about our amazing kid. Sorry your kid missed the honor roll, bitches.
We remember everything about our kid. If you happen to wonder if someone is the parent of an only child, just ask what the kid ate for breakfast.
The parent of an only child can tell you within six seconds what the only child ate for the past six months.
If you start to hear meal #340, you know that’s a parent of an only child.
If you hear a parent obsessively obsess over what he or she is doing with one’s child, or wondering if he or she is not awesome enough for his/her child, you have the parent of an only child.
Having an only child is an amazing thing. After being the last of four kids and an amazing kid, I can say that my only is amazing, amazing, and more amazing.
Would you like to hear what she ate today?
Mother of The Future President.