frommtvtomommy

Stuff Parents of Only-Children do: Look honey, she’s taking a piss!

In humor, parenthood on December 29, 2013 at 2:51 am

Only kids.

You’re special. You’re one of a kind. Truly. There’s no competition. No one else ready to take your toys or your college fund money.

You’re the apple of your parents’ eyes.

You’re the focus of their worlds.

Everything is all about you, you, you, you, you.

Here’s a list of shit parents of Only-Children Do:

(By Moi, owner of one child, proud parent of a future honor student, future parent-kicking-bullies asses’ kind of mom)

Say Cheese. Say Cheese Again. And Again.

Want to know if someone has only one kid? Go to the park, store, museum, school, or sidewalk. The parent will be behind a camera lens shooting photo after photo of the most benign shit possible.

“Look! She picked her nose!”

“See? I told you she knew a square from a circle. Pose for the camera honey.”

We are so busy documenting our kid’s life just in case he or she might feel lonely. Besides, ten photos of our child is not enough to fill our office. We need five million.

Honor Student

Only children are known to be academically successful, much like older siblings in a multiple sibling family.

So basically, we are the parents sounding out the alphabet when the kid is six months old.

“Do you think she understood what I said?”

“Why dear, she already knows her alphabet,” speaking about an eight-month old child.

We don’t have another kid to put our energies into. We don’t have to worry about two college kid funds. We just have to worry that our one and only amazing child gets into Harvard or one of the Ivies on early-admission. Way early.

Like no older than 15.

Ps. We are the parents with five bumper stickers about how awesomely awesome our honor-honor, too fucking kick-ass great kid is, and that we don’t feel bad bragging about our amazing kid. Sorry your kid missed the honor roll, bitches.

Details

We remember everything about our kid. If you happen to wonder if someone is the parent of an only child, just ask what the kid ate for breakfast.

The parent of an only child can tell you within six seconds what the only child ate for the past six months.

If you start to hear meal #340, you know that’s a parent of an only child.

Psychoanalyze 

If you hear a parent obsessively obsess over what he or she is doing with one’s child, or wondering if he or she is not awesome enough for his/her child, you have the parent of an only child.

Having an only child is an amazing thing. After being the last of four kids and an amazing kid, I can say that my only is amazing, amazing, and more amazing.

Would you like to hear what she ate today?

Signed,

Mother of The Future President.

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  1. You’re hilarious.

    I plan to only have one kid as well, so I’m guessing I might do things like this?

    Anyway, the reason why I followed your blog was because of your refreshing voice. You have a perspective that I will not know for a long time, that of a mother, but you have a voice that I can relate to. The cherry on top? You’re comical and gave me many chuckles (I’ve been rummaging around your blog for a bit).

    I hope that we can become friends: I’m new around here and I’m working on making connections around the community.

    Thanks for sharing, it was fun reading. Happy holidays.

    • This was the nicest comment ever!! Thank you so much. I sometimes feel lonely in writing-land, which is why I do comedy, but writing is just my life. We are now friends! Grab the Best Friends necklace, and split the halves! 🙂

      • If the best friends necklace is made out of cookies, I’d like the bigger half, thank you!

      • Okay, you can have the bigger half, but if it’s made of chocolate, it’s all me 🙂

      • I can totally bet that I’m a bigger chocolate fan. I’m seventeen and single! Chocolate takes the place of my best friend, boys, and my parents sometimes 😉

      • I would sell a kidney for good chocolate. And I am in the hormonal 30’s. Watch out! LOL.
        PS. I still think I am 17, so don’t tell anyone anything else 😉

      • I think I wouldn’t be able to enjoy a good chocolate with a missing body organ! I mean, all your life you’ve been living with that thing inside you and them BAM it’s gone, you have a gaping hole in your existence. (maybe that’s offensive to those who have actually donated their organs, my apologies.)

        So yeah, you win this round. But I am strong, STONG I TELL YOU! I was just going easy on you anyway.

        For the record, I still haven’t eaten breakfast and it might be three o’clock (I’m to lazy to turn around and check the clock, and the time on my computer is wrong and I’m too lazy to fix it). That’s my excuse for my weirdness — for today, anyway.

  2. […] This is obviously a fantastic resolution. Getting this finished memoir in the hands of the insane American public who can then decide that I am a wackadoo, would be the best thing to happen to me, second to my daughter. […]

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