frommtvtomommy

One Size Doesn’t Fit All Bitches: My Belief on Life and Parenting

In humor, life, marriage, motherhood, parenthood, sex on January 2, 2014 at 1:55 am

I bought these panties the other day–they’re called the Lacie. From Victoria’s Secret. P.S.: the secret is they’re made in China, so we are all overpaying out the ass.

At least our asses look cute I guess. 

Anywhoo, this particular panty while extremely comfortable yet cute, is only available in One Size Fits All.

Well dammit, one size does not fit this broad. Truthfully, they’re a bit big on me.

And isn’t that exactly like the rest of my life, the rest of everyone’s life:

One Size Does Not Fit All.

This truth doesn’t just apply to thong underwear, but can be applied in many situations.

Think of the last time you gave someone parenting advice. People told me to keep my kid out of my bed, to wean her, and to basically not cart her around to fun places every day because she’d get spoiled.

Well, guess what, my kid is not your kid. You are not me. I can’t stand to sit in one spot, and when my daughter was an infant and teething, guess what? Popping a boob in her mouth and saying, “Good night wee baby,” while I fell asleep was my best solution at the time, and dammit, the boob was the best. You’d just pop it in whenever she would be fussy, and there would be peace on earth.

Now the second she wakes up a flood of commands fills my home.

The days of the “miracle silencing boob” are over.

Can we have a moment of silence for my powerful magical nursing boobs?

Thanks.

Back to business, for me, that method worked, but maybe for you it wouldn’t have.

People tell me–because I’m a high energy and intense little person that I should try yoga. I tried it, and I found it to be dull as dishwater. It was too slow for me. I couldn’t get settled in. I tried meditating, and I just started to daydream and look at the places in my house that needed to get clean, which when you are raised by my mother, you know that everything should be scrubbed with a toothbrush to the T. A speck of lint is considered, “disorderly.”

I have very little “ohm” in my psyche. If I want to relax I need a bath or a scheduled massage.

Or someone to tie me down, brush my hair (favorite!), and feed my chocolate like they did back in the day for all the good little girls.

My method of relaxing and being isn’t necessarily going to work for you.

There have been times when my friends or family have shared things that they do as parents, friends, or lovers, and I have said aloud to them, mostly because I couldn’t help myself, “I wouldn’t do that, no way, but it’s your life.”

Because that’s what works for them: whether it’s asinine to me, doesn’t matter.

There is no book on parenting, living, loving, and screwing that will provide one person with all the answers.

When all the parents of the world united under the holy oath of Elfdom to bring the elf on the shelf to their homes, I did not.

I told my daughter Santa wouldn’t bring her toys if she made bad choices, and she continued to run around me in circles and laugh.

Fuck you mommy. Fuck you.

I decided this Santa- discipline nonsense wasn’t going to do. I might as well just face the fact that I am doomed, and that in five years my daughter will be feeding me bread and water through a mail slot in my tiny 5*7 room where I am a prisoner until she turns 18.

Honestly, she’s good enough that well, I didn’t need the Elf reinforcements. A few reminders of 3rd world sweatshops…or more like, “if you make a good choice, we get chocolate today,” worked better for us.

I had a friend tell me about two years ago that she was in an open marriage.

“You sure it’s really open? I mean, open, open?”

“It’s open,” she said.

I couldn’t believe it, mainly because it sounded too interesting to be real, but apparently it was. I don’t know many couples who could pull that off, but apparently it was working for them.

One size fits all doesn’t apply to marriage either.

A guy I dated in my twenties liked feet. A lot.

I can’t stand feet, and I really don’t care if you think yours are cute. Please hide them. Summer brings on enough “foot-overload” for me, so don’t tip my scales. Just keep them groomed men and women, and don’t shove them in my face.

For god sakes men, please cut your toenails and get the lint out of them.

Anywhoo, that was what he liked. I didn’t get it. I also didn’t understand the guy who liked to sniff panties, but who was I to squelch his sniffer?

What’s sexy is different for us all. I couldn’t change these dudes to fit my definitions of sexy.

For all I know, they thought my fetishes and wants were totally creepy.

One sex does not fit all sexual desires.

Rules and stipulations are just red tape designed to make us all feel inferior.

Most rules are just a bunch of crap being imposed on us by douchebags or our own fragile superegos.

Look, “One size fits all” doesn’t fit me. I’m too big. Tall. Thin. Short. Lanky. Short-waisted. Flat-chested. Big-boobed.

Think of the rule makers, these folks implying that we should be ONE SIZE FITS ALL: weren’t they the jerkoffs in high school who bullied people and abused girls?

Maybe not–most of those guys are probably in corporate America. 😉

Just be who you are going to be, as long as you are not hurting anyone or incredibly offensive, and live your life.

One size doesn’t fit all, and I’m okay being a bit too small for the rest of the world.

My personality makes up for the lack of height.

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  1. I am so with you on all of that. One size does not fit everyone. Not everyone likes the same thing and I never understood how people got their panties in a knot because another person didn’t like or think the way they thought. The way I see it is if they aren’t hurting you and you aren’t hurting them then everyone should just live the life they want. If I could extra like your post I would 🙂

    • Aww you can extra like in spirit! Yes, if someone is hurting him/herself or others…why care? It’s harder when we watch others make bad choices to stay silent…but if no one is getting hurt…who cares?! 🙂

      • I guess I should clarify, it’s not really who cares but more of a it’s not your business. I always wonder how that person is going to react when the person they are trying to get them to do/say/Think the way they so would react if the person did the same to them.

        Sorry if that made no sense.

      • No, it made sense, and that’s a very good point. The person would probably be pissed! ha!

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