frommtvtomommy

My Wife Never Wants to Have Sex: 5 Reasons Why Your Wife Won’t Bang You

In marriage, men, sex on January 4, 2014 at 7:16 pm

I find it funny. Most of the people who complain about not getting laid, are men. This doesn’t mean that some of my women friends or myself haven’t shared this complaint, but it does seem to be tossed around by the menfolk quite a lot.

Here are some potential reasons why your wife or girlfriend may not want to bang you. Note: I didn’t conduct any scientific polls or ask your wives in particular, so if any of these points shoot to close to home, don’t kill the messenger. Or your wife.

You’re a Jerk

If you haven’t been very nice or considerate lately, leaning back to show her your “abs” certainly isn’t going to make her rip her clothes off like a pornstar. Arguments kill respect, kind feelings, and tingling in the netherlands, so if you want to have sexy time, you better make peace and do it now.

Sure. there’s angry sex, but if you’re always a jerk then there is NO sex.

Got me?

Chores, Chores, Chores

While every partnership is unique, I often hear women friends complaining (I know, we bitch a lot. Talking to the Queen here) about how their partners aren’t equal in terms of house work. Have you ever scrubbed a fridge, a child that just shit his pants, or organized a linen closet? It doesn’t exactly make me wet, so if your wife is constantly burdened with the cleaning duties, man up and grab a mop.

We really, really wouldn’t mind if you did this in the buff. Wow, would that be super cute.

And Now, Sports

I understand that part of being male involves some sort of sport whether it’s an individual sport like boxing or a group one like football, but your running list of statistics doesn’t exactly make us think: oral.

Take a break from tight buns in shiny pants, bloody mouths, and foul play, and tap into something more feminine.

Take us to a play. The theatre. Ballet. A movie. Salsa dancing.

I really about 95% of you just said, “Oh for fuck’s sake, I’m screwed.”

Or, not screwed, considering the topic.

My male friends tend to like visual porn–my female friends “trend” (we are all unique from gender stereotypes! Nothing hotter than watching sometimes, in my opinion) to like “story porn.”

Get us involved in a “story” with you. Doing something active with us that takes us away from our everyday problems and stresses can make us want to want you.

Male friends have blatantly told me: Ever since we had kids, it’s done, our sex life that is.

Women need mental and physical escapes to separate from stress. Doing this will make us more apt to bang you.

Just saying.

You Gained Weight

Men complain their wives “did themselves in” post-kid. Some of you people look like you had babies too. You’re not the same svelte guy who had us at “hello” anymore either. Start exercising. Maybe she will join you too, and you can both bang together as newly sexy man and wife.

Bad Timing

Don’t ask at the wrong time. I recognize picking the right time to ask a woman a question may be minutes between love and death, but clearly don’t ask for bang time in these situations:

-if she’s sick

-had a fight with her boss

-while wrangling a toddler/kids into bed. Ask after, or better yet, put the kids to bed on your own and then ask

-when you’ve told her she looks fat, is a bitch, or that you don’t like her outfit. If you said all three, you deserve to spank off alone for eternity.

(no take backs)

Well Laura, when should I ask:

–when she’s cheery

–after she got a raise

–after you’ve done some chores or taken her out

–if she is feeling needy, wants to cuddle or asks for a massage. This is your time to say, time to scrub the hand that just washed you darling.

–during the middle of the night when she is asleep. wake her with an oral surprise. Not with your cold feet.

–birthdays. holidays.

–right before she gets her period and in the middle of the month. Look to science and hormones for help.

These 5 reasons could be making or breaking your sex life.

If you are still in the dark about why she doesn’t want you, don’t call me.

Call a therapist.

Kisses and Wet Dreams,

Me.

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  1. can i just anonymously send this to my husband? great points, every one.

  2. Nice. I’m not married or in a relationship but this is really good advice.

  3. […] said it in my post on “why your wife won’t bang you”: weight gain can be downers for both parties. Maybe he feels like you’ve let yourself go. […]

  4. How do you know when your wife has died?

    When the dishes pile up, but the sex is the same.

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  6. […] I know that Valentine’s Day is a commercial holiday. And I know people should show their undying love and slavery each day of the year, but most people don’t so you know what? One day a year on the calendar […]

  7. […] your husband doesn’t want to have sex with you, or your wife, there’s definitely a […]

  8. […] advice I’m about to give you about how to please a woman is not all smut or what you’d typically expect from an article like this. This isn’t a […]

  9. all i see is a bunch of excuses why a woman doesn’t want to have sex? nothing new. when you get married you have an obligation to each other to stay sexually exclusive…part of that is having sex with the other person even if sometimes you dont want to. seems like it is mostly the women that make the excuses for not having sex.

    • Shaun, thanks for reading! If you view my site under the category “sex,” you’ll see an article with the opposite point of view– “why a husband doesn’t want to have sex.”
      There are some woman who hear “no” from their partners rather than the other way around and for me, it stunk. It’s up to both people to make sex happen 🙂

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