That crazy redhead in the white feather boa get up was me, circa my MTV days.
I am currently blonde, and natural.
Everything “matches” before you bother asking.
Being on television and the stage may sound like difficult work, but for me, it was/is a zillion times easier than any other job I’ve had, besides teaching.
There are normal people who like normalcy, and then there are those of us who crave the unusual.
That are just energetic, which we all know is a nice word for “special” or “crazy.”
And no, I don’t have ADHD. I can focus like no one’s business. I can obsess to the 10th degree.
I cannot begin to tell you all that despite how organized and “regimented” I am about certain routines in my life, I find most things and people to be dull.
It is exhausting to want so much out of one’s life, and constantly feel as if there needs to be another challenge.
For me, going up to a total stranger in the middle of Washington Square park, a total homeless crackhead stranger, and asking him to karaoke with me is a breeze. All while he shits on a toilet bowl.
Ask me to work a complicated spreadsheet?
Ah that’s a job for some other broad.
But everyone else likes to stick to the same old, same old. The status quo.
Here’s what life is like for an excitable broad like myself dealing with the normal world:
But No One Fucking Smiles
I had a bus driver tell me the other day, “You’re always smiling.”
Yeah, that’s right. Newsflash adults: none of you bitches smile. You hunker down in you clothes, your phones, and your worlds and you run around with a grimace on your face. I ordered a Starbucks today in a happy tone of voice and with a smile, and I literally scared the person next to me.
I was eating Japanese food yesterday, and I noticed this woman sitting waiting for her order. She was pretty and I was admiring her shoes. She looked at me and smiled.
I thought for a second, “Maybe she likes me,” not because I am that egocentric, but because she smiled.
She smiled, and I thought, this woman might want to bang me for a split-second, and not, “Oh look, it’s another happy person like me.”
I smiled back.
And no, we did not bang you filthy animals.
Gotta Have My Reality Shows
I just can’t get into everyday stuff. It’s not that I am super special or above a little trash TV, (Rock of Love with Brett Michaels back in the day with his stripper chicks was entertaining) but I’d rather talk about deep stuff like, what type of issues do you have because your dad ignored you, or what are your secret fetishes?
Sure, I can bring on a normal conversation any day and I can listen to my friends chatter about whatever, but I always like the deep conversations best.
Break out the diaries my friends, and you will have my ear.
I can’t Sit–Goodbye!
I can sit and read a book or write for hours, but I need to be busy, busy, busy.
The problem with needing to be busy so much is that I burn myself out or sometimes, or I bite off more than I can chew and I then end up being tempted to go to the mental ward.
I mean well, and so I shoot for the moon.
But I don’t understand how people can just kind of settle for the mediocre. If you’re going to dream, dream big, if you’re going to live, live big.
Even if you’re 5’1.
Too Tired To Bang Husband/Wife
I guess I am just abnormal and I understand that some dudes don’t deserve a lay, but how can you always be too tired and uninterested in sex? How can you just say, “ugh don’t touch me,” every day, yet still stay with the SOB?
These folks don’t even twerk the man in the mountain. At least, if you don’t want your husband because he makes you vividly angry, keep things alive down there.
You lose it, if you don’t use it sistas.
Doesn’t anyone else feel the intense heat of 30’s hormones?
It’s hot in here. Maybe it’s just me.
Excuse me while I hump the chair. I hope you didn’t want to sit in. Enjoy your lunch.
It’s Too Far To Drive
Sure, I get tired. I go to bed at 10:30 every night unless I actually get to go out and do fun shit. Moms, we don’t get that enough, do we?
But when people are always whining about not wanting to take their kids somewhere or do something because it takes too much effort, I want to tell them, “Do you really want to do the same thing you did yesterday?”
Of course, now I have bred a child who asks me on my rare days off, ‘Where are we going Mommy? Who are we seeing?”
Get out and do something. Grab life by the sweaty balls. Drive more than 5 miles per hour. Go more than 5 miles down the street.
Just do something. You’re exhausting me just sitting there, doing nothing. Get out of your comfort zone.
You don’t need to be like me, a girl who at 15, would ask total strangers, “Would you buy me McDonalds?”
but it would be nice if you know, did something worth talking about now and again.
If people aren’t gossiping about you, you’re not doing it right.
I Don’t Want to Be Her Friend
Hey ladies, why you all gotta never say hello. You just stay in your little duo or triad. You don’t ask the rest of us to lunch. You stick to what you know. What is the worst thing that can happen by making a new friend?
Just because we’re kinda cute and totally funny, doesn’t mean we are going to smash your little shining star, or ruin your party.
We might decide actually, that it’s really fun to set up all the single people in the joint, and walk up to the guy you like and tell him, “Hey, she thinks you’re sexy,” but that’s just making things easier for you, Miss Timid. Let us help.
Thanks to me, many of my teenage friends got a lot of dry-humping and making out that they wouldn’t have gotten.
No one sings “Happy Birthday” at the office. They mostly just state it. I sing loudly, like a drunk Drag Queen who just bought a new pair of heels. Sometimes, it’s fun to be loud. Sometimes, it’s fun to go to the drugstore and loudly say hysterically false crap like, “Oh man, I need some vaseline. He is WAY too big to be doing that, down there, if you know what I mean?”
Nope. I never ever did such an atrocious act at any drugstore…
Go Out On A Limb: Surprise Someone
Just once in my life, I’d like to actually be surprised. I’m like a ninja: I know everything. If you thought Santa sees it all, hire me and the world will be your oyster.
If you are a friend or a lover or a wife, husband, father, mother.
Surprise someone now and again.
Break out of your routine.
Go to the gym in something skimpy or wear a shirt that says,”I’m with stupid,” and then be sure to walk around next to someone you absolutely hate at the gym, like the fucker who drops his weights everywhere, or the old man whose balls are hanging out of his speedo.
It is hard being a relatively upbeat lady in a world that rewards people for somberness, complacency, silence, and normalcy.
I sometimes feel as if no one ever wants to have fun. Sure, there’s a time to be serious, like in a real emergency, and there’s nothing I like better than an intensely passionate or deep conversation…but that’s fun to me.
I just wish everyone else could keep up with me, instead of me slowing it down for everyone else.
Taking a moment to relax is important and taking it “slow” can be rather rewarding, but when everyone is so stiff, life is dull. Employ a little intensity in your life, but be sure to take some rest, otherwise, we will have matching chairs at the psychiatric hospital.