It’s rare that you can get an agnostic woman or a Jewish/Hindu/Buddhist woman to scream Jesus’ name, but that’s okay. I’m “kosher” with everyone’s right to believe what she wants personally, but if you’re looking to really put your name on the “map” so to speak, here are 4 ways to make it happen. Of course, if you don’t like sex, you could always pick up your dirty clothes, clean the house, bring her flowers, ban your mother from visiting, or say something sensitive to spark jovial exclamations of a higher being.
Give Her Salted Caramel Chocolate
Just one bite of Godiva’s Large 31% Milk Chocolate Salted Caramel bar, and I was in heaven. It felt like I had had one huge chocolate orgasm and the most hideous man could have asked me for a hand job and I might have said yes. For just $3.99, this could be the cheapest and sweetest way to get her to do what you want, for once.
Try out the Reverse Cowgirl, Downward Doggie, or Sit-em’ Up
These three positions will make her find a higher power in no time. With the reverse cowgirl, she rides on top of you, facing your feet. She could put her knees on the bed for support, or her feet as she squats. This position will give her the kind of penetration necessary to deliver a religious experience, and leaves her hands free to help the process.
Downward doggie is my term for doing the Downward Dog yoga position while you enter her from behind. She better have some serious strength and flexibility in order to keep it going. The depth at which you can enter her temple will have the ancient gods floating around her head with this position!
Sit-em’ up, is my name for when your lady sits on top of you as you’re seated, preferably on a firm surface. Facing away or facing towards you, (towards you gives a more intimate feeling as you both look at each other—hopefully) this position could have had many a biblical woman begating and begating until the millennium.
Use a Tool
Don’t be intimidated by the battery-operated tool called a vibrator, or if she’s inclined, an anal toy. Babeland.com has a bunch of sweet toys—see their best-selling vibrator list for more goodies– that will really help her speak in tongues. I understand that some men feel a bit irritated when the toy is more successful than the man, but look, a little help doesn’t hurt and besides, if you were a woman, you’d use one too.
If an affordable lifelike “woman part” was in stock, you’d all be in line for one.
Early at Bat, First to Fail
If you happen to be eager to seal the deal and know this about yourself, masturbate ahead of time to avoid an early exit, or start compiling a list of horrific visuals certain to make you hold back from spreading the seed.
Try, Try Again
If at first you don’t succeed, you should be ashamed of yourself.
No, in all seriousness, tenacity is your friend my brother to bringing her to the golden arches of joy.
Please share this article, because you like me…and no one buys me toys from babeland.com, so I just have to live vicariously through all of you.
You don’t want to do that, do you?
Stay tuned for 4 ways to get your husband or wife to say, “Jesus, Woman!”