Screw all the major magazines and their advice columns. Half of them are probably penned by 22 year-olds who have yet to wake up from their hangovers from the other night. What do they know about the intricacies, heartaches, and pitfalls of marital life and/or long-term relationships?
While they’re probably great people and writers, get your advice from someone who got paid to sing musical theatre in her undies, was entangled in an unwanted foursome at age 14, and used to harass people to karaoke with her in the middle of the city streets.
Now that’s a woman who knows what she’s talking about!
Look, I have dated so many zeros, it’s amazing my last name isn’t Lifshitzoooooooo. Or that I don’t have a 1mil bank roll.
Nope, instead, I’ve got a quick 6 question quiz designed to tell you if your partner–male or female– is a hero, or a zero.
It takes 5 minutes. Indulge.
#1 Does your partner support your creative endeavors/business/dream?
A-yes–he or she knows everything about my dream and cheers me on.
B-no–he or she throws rocks at me.
#2 Does your partner tell you you are attractive and tries to engage with you sexually and romantically? Not just sex, but cuddling, demonstrations of affection or positive verbal feedback.
A- yes–he or she is humping my leg as we speak and thinks I am the cat’s meow.
B-no–he or she doesn’t know I exist.
#3 Does your partner make plans or look into the future to do things with you whether as a couple, family, or both?
A-yes–he or she likes to surprise me and plan things with me as well.
B-no–he or she wishes I would go away. He or she tried to poison my food, but it didn’t work. I’ve got a stomach of steel!
#4 Does your partner do things to cheer you up when you are down?
A-yes–he or she always does something small to help, even if it is simply offering to rub my shoulders.
B-no–he or she is hoping I will drink a bottle of Drano tonight. In fact…wait, here goes nothing!
#5 Does your partner constantly make excuses for his/her behavior, like forgetting you or not putting in effort, missing phone calls, etc?
A-no–he or she does from time to time, but for the most part, owns up to his or her flaws
B- yes and no–he or she made so many excuses, there are none left.
#6 Does your partner make you feel special?
A-yes–he or she even bought me a tag that says “special” with my address on it so he/she never loses me.
B-no–he or she says I’m especially a “loser.”
If you answered mostly B’s, your partner is a sorry-ass bitch of a Zero.
If you answered mostly A’s, please drop your wife or husband off at my house. I could use another set of hands.
No seriously, if you answered mostly A’s, rock on.
You have officially earned a Hero.
Now please explain to everyone else how you did this.
Was it self-esteem? Or did you knock him or her out unconscious?
Love, sucker punches, and all A’s,