How to Be Disappointed by Others: 5 Easy Tips

How to Be Disappointed by Others: 5 Easy Tips

I find myself, at least in the past few years, being disappointed by other people. Maybe I am disappointing. Maybe I am not that special. Maybe I am a lousy lay—scratch that. I am a damn good lay! But I have found myself being burned, sad, or let down by people and wondered why.

Here are my 5 tips on how to be easily disappointed by others. Continue reading

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Goldilocks is hungry and wants to break your chair: Coming out of the closet

This isn’t a claim of my lesbianism, although I love the lesbians of course and people of all sexual persuasions, but this is my admission: I am depressed.

Goldilocks is tired of ransacking people’s (bears) homes by herself and causing general chaos, only to have to run in another direction once a Grizzly comes to eat her. Continue reading

4 Ways My Toddler Says F-U Mom

My daughter doesn’t curse at the wee age of not even 3, but she doesn’t have to. She tells me to f*@k off in other ways. Why use the words, when you can get across the same sentiment?

The Raspberry

I really *love* this new one of hers. I’m not sure what kid she got it from, but I’d like to smack him or her! Whenever myself or her father does something that my sweet little lady does not like, she raspberries in our face—you know, blowing her lips together like sugared-up little boy? Except for she does it with an evil look on her face as if she hopes we will burn with her bitchy glare.

Her latest addition to the Raspberry? Getting up close as she does it so you get some spit on your face.

Pleasant.

Third world sweatshops were meant for kids doing such antics! Continue reading

The Problem With Boring People: One “Energetic” Chick’s Struggle

Image

That crazy redhead in the white feather boa get up was me, circa my MTV days.

I am currently blonde, and natural.

Everything “matches” before you bother asking.

Being on television and the stage may sound like difficult work, but for me, it was/is a zillion times easier than any other job I’ve had, besides teaching.

There are normal people who like normalcy, and then there are those of us who crave the unusual.

That are just energetic, which we all know is a nice word for “special” or “crazy.”

And no, I don’t have ADHD. I can focus like no one’s business. I can obsess to the 10th degree.

I cannot begin to tell you all that despite how organized and “regimented” I am about certain routines in my life, I find most things and people to be dull.

It is exhausting to want so much out of one’s life, and constantly feel as if there needs to be another challenge.

For me, going up to a total stranger in the middle of Washington Square park,  a total homeless crackhead stranger,  and asking him to karaoke with me is a breeze. All while he shits on a toilet bowl. Continue reading

What Women Want: a Brief Tutorial

This will be a nice brief tutorial on what women want.

I know that ” as a whole,” women can be complicated. Not all females,but many of us will drop you like a dime if you’re a pushover, or tell you to F off if you’re too nasty.

Sometimes we will kiss you, and the next day we will act as if you are a ghost, and not a man.

Yup, we’re awesome like that. Aren’t you glad you’re attracted to women? Maybe it’s time to consider another man.

Trust me, we chicks think about it all the time, and most of us tried it out in college. Continue reading

Why I Love Having A Girl: Daughter Love

It’s not that I don’t love boys. As a preschool teacher, I found the little boys to be darling, at least the good kids. They were so sweet and affectionate to me, as if I were a second mother.

The girls were too, but of course, they were often sassy.

I love having a girl.

When we had our ultrasound for the gender–this was November 1, 2010, I expected a boy. Continue reading

5 Reasons Why Your Husband Is Not Interested In Sex

I know that this sounds like a total lie, but some men won’t bang their wives.You may be laughing right now, but it is indeed, true.

Do some googling. Male sex drive isn’t as “golden” and high-geared as the rumor mill would like you to believe. Here are some reasons why your husband may not be banging you.

Note: I’m not a therapist, so don’t think of my word as “bond” to quote old-school 80’s hip-hop, but think of my word as a guide for “next steps,” mainly, buying a vibrator and possibly hiring a private investigator. Continue reading

5 Reasons Why Your Wife Is Not Interested In Sex

I find it funny. Most of the people who complain about not getting laid, are men. This doesn’t mean that some of my women friends or myself haven’t shared this complaint, but it does seem to be tossed around by the menfolk quite a lot.

Here are some potential reasons why your wife or girlfriend may not want to bang you. Note: I didn’t conduct any scientific polls or ask your wives in particular, so if any of these points shoot to close to home, don’t kill the messenger. Or your wife. Continue reading