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Archive for March, 2014|Monthly archive page

How to Break-Up With a Woman You Are Casually Dating: Dating Etiquette

In humor, love, relationships, sex on March 31, 2014 at 8:00 pm

I hear my guy friends all the time complain to me or discuss with me how they’re just not that “into her” but they don’t know how to tell the woman.

Half of the time, these men want to dump a woman in the nicest way possible, but most of the times, they end up making more gaffes than they should and end up hurting the person they’re attempting to be nice to.

So without further adieu, I present to you, the ultimate  quick and easy guide in how to dump someone you’re casually dating, nicely. Truth be told this applies to men to, but more so for men dating women.

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Lessons your 3 year old daughter can learn from a Drag Queen

In family life, humor, motherhood, parenthood on March 29, 2014 at 5:38 pm

I love Drag Queens. I think it’s an art. I think it’s fabulous. If there is a Drag show, sign me up.

With that said, I have much love and glitter for the Queens, but I have been noticing some parallels in Drag and 3 year-old girl behavior, so here is my sound advice on how to manage your household diva

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Size Matters

In humor, life, love, sex on March 28, 2014 at 2:10 am

Size Matters in life.

Big or small.

If you think it doesn’t, you’re wrong.

Here are a few reasons and scenarios in which size truly matters–and in which direction!

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We Are More Than Our Boobs: A Memo From Women to Men

In girl empowerment, life, sex, women's issues on March 27, 2014 at 6:26 pm

Dear Men:

We have noticed you noticing our boobs.

Boobs are great, aren’t they?

Even gay men admire boobs.

Boobs give life, give lust, and are great placeholders for bikinis.

Boobs are scintillating, small, perky, droopy, large, flat, pointy-nippled, pink-nippled, brown-nippled, inverted-nippled, hairy-nippled, lopsided, one-sided, fake, real, and full.

We don’t blame you for looking. Sometimes, we look at our own.

Sometimes, we check out other women’s boobs too. It can be fun.

It can be rude.

It can be hard not to.

But with that said, we’d like you to know that there is more to us than our boobs.

We are people.

We have hearts, necks, navels, scrapes, hips, thighs, toes, knees, and ankles.

Where are they?

Below the boobs.

We have eyes, pock-marks, noses, ears, moles, lips, teeth, zits, hair, and collar bones.

Where are they?

Above the boobs.

We are like you–we think, drive, eat, snort, fart, shit, read, laugh, fuck, tickle, tinkle, dance, stretch, sleep, and pontificate.

Yet for some reason, you cannot see us for who we are above the equator (BOOBS).

Staring is rude, yet despite what you’ve been taught you cannot stop mostly because you have forgotten that we are people.

That we want you to listen to what we have to say because we’re important, even if we are burdened with our boobs.

You know, the things you stare at as I try to have a deep and engaging conversation with you?

You know, the things you gawk at while I try to ask you a basic question?

We’re people with ideas of value and worth.

We’re people with something to say.

We’re people who think more quickly and adeptly than you, even with our boobs heaving on our delicate chests.

By the way, if you look again, my boobs will still be there.

I hope you don’t mind if we ask you to leave your male members hanging out of your pants so we can gawk at you.

We wouldn’t want you to feel objectified though.

Signed,

A woman who wants to gawk at you like you gawk at her.

The Biggest Sex and Intimacy Killer: Anger

In love, marriage, relationships on March 25, 2014 at 5:46 pm

You might think that adultery or excessive drinking or maybe even traveling for work would be the biggest sex and intimacy killer in your relationship, but it’s not.

Well, yes those 3 things will kill intimacy (temporarily one hopes), the biggest erection and orgasm downer is anger.

If either you or your partner is angry enough to say, “I don’t want to deal with you right now,” it opens the floodgates to a world of no-intimacy, no sex, and no fun.

Here’s why and here’s how:

 

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Finding Peace: Saying Goodbye to the Past and Moving On

In family life, motherhood, parenthood on March 24, 2014 at 5:24 pm

Here is my beautiful daughter and me. Today is her birthday. (Hopefully dad will let me keep this photo up. He’s a private dude).

Image

She’s 3. And as I realized today was her birthday, I realized that today would have also been (or 2 days earlier or 2 days later) her sibling’s 1 year birthday.

A depressing thought, and while sure, I still do wonder if there may ever be another Laura “progeny” in my future and get sad when I see “sibling references” in movies like Frozen, I am at peace.

I am not mourning the baby (babies) that weren’t. I am enjoying what is. Living in the moment. You have no idea how hard it is for me to do that.

Imagine having 20,000 tabs open on your computer. Listening to 50 conversations in 5 different languages, or reading 4 books at once. That is my mind. Imagine running 5 miles in two minutes. That is my mind’s processing speed (unless high-level math or mechanics are involved).

Getting peace of mind is a challenge for me.

But here I am saying, goodbye past. You made me sad. You brought me down. But here I am, relishing the fact of what I do have, and not what I don’t have.

I have one gorgeous, warm, stubborn, resourceful, persistent, creative, spunky, deliberate, and smart little girl.

Do I have a huge brood of children or a matching pair of “big sister and little sister,” or “big sister and little brother” garb?

No. I have exactly what I need, more than what some people will be lucky enough to get, and enough love to go around.

No one has a cure for hyperemesis. No one can guarantee me a healthy pregnancy. But there are no guarantees in life, and I’ve already looked the gift horse in the mouth so to speak.

I will rejoice in what is. And be fortunate to be called “Mom” every day.

I only wish for all of you who desire to have kids that you can have the same. It is not a guaranteed deal, or easy journey for everyone.

 

Love and Birthday Cake,

Laura

Tips to help you get pregnant: It’s time to make babies

In love, marriage, sex on March 21, 2014 at 5:52 pm

pregnancy test

Before anyone gets any funny ideas, I am not getting pregnant, nor am I pregnant. My body is now only open for recreational purposes. Well, not for any of you. Sorry! My days as a reproductive machine are over, unless someone invents a cure or better, safer, and more reliable medications for Hyperemesis. Until then, I will just enjoy sex for sex’s sake.

But what about for those of you who really want a child?

While I can’t answer for anyone’s serious fertility issues as I am not a doctor, I can suggest a few tips to help you get that baby you’ve been dreaming of.

Note: when you get that baby, and that baby keeps you up all night or makes your nipples bleed (at least for the first few days of nursing), don’t complain to me. You asked for it! 🙂

Now, here are a few simple tips to help you or you and your lady friend get preggo…

Are you ready?

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Why I Had to Breastfeed: One Mom’s Story

In humor, motherhood, parenthood on March 20, 2014 at 1:25 am

breastfeeding

I am not a doctor or a nurse. This is not a diatribe on how women must breastfeed. I make no judgments about what other moms do, and quite honestly, it’s not my business. Or yours.

How you want to feed your baby is kosher by me, as long as you don’t feed your baby worms. That would be so wrong.

But for me, I had to breastfeed. Under no circumstances, was I not going to. And it wasn’t just for health reasons and because breast milk is so awesome for babies. While I don’t care what you decide with your child, if you ask me, I will say that breast feeding is awesome.

Here’s why I had no choice but to be a successful milk factory.

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Dealing with Sex Drive Differences in Marriage

In love, marriage, relationships, sex on March 20, 2014 at 12:57 am

It’s advisable that you are marry someone with a similar sex drive. Who is advising you on this?

Me.

It makes life easier, and both parties often end up “satisfied.” Heh.

With that said, it’s pretty tough to find someone who you’re totally compatible with, love, and want to share the rest of your life with…that will also always have the same sex drive as you. Here are some ways to deal with differing sex drives in marriage.

Note: none of them involves packing your significant other up in shrink wrap and leaving him or her in the sea. If you’re that messed up please read someone else’s blog. Thanks!

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Is Tinkerbell the better female role model for girls?

In girl empowerment, humor, motherhood, parenthood, women's issues on March 18, 2014 at 6:15 pm

In today’s world, girls are given a flurry of mixed messages via the media and television.

Be pretty. Be successful. Reveal your body. Be cool. You can be like the boys, but you can be pretty. Wear makeup. Be Sexy.

These themes start from the get-go. Girls are given a multitude of “idols” to learn from. In my generation, it was the classic Disney princess model of “Dream for a man to save you.” Sure, we had Josie and the Pussycats, Jem, and later on, the Powderpuff Girls, but we were sold the idea that we can dream for a man to save us, while negotiating 70’s, 80’s, and 90’s feminism.

We were supposed to cook, clean, and run a corporation, all while wearing no bra, or a highly-supportive bra.

The stakes were high. It has certainly made negotiating my own role of motherhood and my sexual, creative, and work identity, rough. We expect so much, and beat ourselves mentally when we do not deliver.

I resisted the Princess Parade when my daughter first began to show her clear affections for Cinderella and Ariel, but hey, I like the music myself, and there is only so much resisting I can do.

I figured I’d get my own tiara and join in on the fun.

Then of course, I met the new Tinkerbell… Read the rest of this entry »