Here is my beautiful daughter and me. Today is her birthday. (Hopefully dad will let me keep this photo up. He’s a private dude).
She’s 3. And as I realized today was her birthday, I realized that today would have also been (or 2 days earlier or 2 days later) her sibling’s 1 year birthday.
A depressing thought, and while sure, I still do wonder if there may ever be another Laura “progeny” in my future and get sad when I see “sibling references” in movies like Frozen, I am at peace.
I am not mourning the baby (babies) that weren’t. I am enjoying what is. Living in the moment. You have no idea how hard it is for me to do that.
Imagine having 20,000 tabs open on your computer. Listening to 50 conversations in 5 different languages, or reading 4 books at once. That is my mind. Imagine running 5 miles in two minutes. That is my mind’s processing speed (unless high-level math or mechanics are involved).
Getting peace of mind is a challenge for me.
But here I am saying, goodbye past. You made me sad. You brought me down. But here I am, relishing the fact of what I do have, and not what I don’t have.
I have one gorgeous, warm, stubborn, resourceful, persistent, creative, spunky, deliberate, and smart little girl.
Do I have a huge brood of children or a matching pair of “big sister and little sister,” or “big sister and little brother” garb?
No. I have exactly what I need, more than what some people will be lucky enough to get, and enough love to go around.
No one has a cure for hyperemesis. No one can guarantee me a healthy pregnancy. But there are no guarantees in life, and I’ve already looked the gift horse in the mouth so to speak.
I will rejoice in what is. And be fortunate to be called “Mom” every day.
I only wish for all of you who desire to have kids that you can have the same. It is not a guaranteed deal, or easy journey for everyone.
Love and Birthday Cake,