People are awkward, as a group.
When it comes to sex, people are often uncomfortable with discussing it…seeing it…or sharing their preferences or sexual lives with others.
While privacy is crucial and we don’t need to know that you like to say, wear women’s underwear, the boundaries and memories we associate with sex can really create havoc on our intimate lives.
Here are a few reasons why couples might experience a sexual lockdown in their relationships.
All it takes is one awful or wonderful early childhood experience to unnerve a person’s intimate connection to sexuality.
For some it might be an abuse situation, and for others, it could be a memory of when he or she peeked in on a parent dressing…or having sex. It could even be a first crush.The sight of your sister’s hot friend’s breasts.
If this is something that your partner has experienced and he or she shares this with you, that’s a victory. You can turn the horror around, or if it’s a pleasant memory, use it during sexual engagement to heighten the experience.
If you have gone through this and haven’t shared it with your partner, why?
Are you afraid of judgment or shame? Afraid your partner cannot handle it. A supportive partner should be able to at least hold your hand or wink at you, depending on whether the memory was horrific or vividly wonderful.
Many couples battle between what types of sex acts they want to enjoy together or not.
Sometimes, one half of the couple will call judgment.
That’s weird. Why? What’s wrong with you?
While no half of the couple should feel compelled to do something they don’t want to, like wear a nurse’s outfit during sex or barking like a dog during penetration, (hey–I never did that myself. I read it on the internet. ) shaming a partner right off the bat is pretty damning and can shut down the doors of intimacy. For good.
Now, if the person talks about abusing kids or dogs…you should back away, run like hell, and get a divorce, or just change your name and don’t let the weirdo find you!
If someone feels fat, ugly, old, saggy, unwanted, zitty, hairy, or just overall gross, that person can start to shut down during sex.
If your partner is doing this, address it. Make him or her feel good. If he or she is really obese or terribly zitty, you can be a positive influence: go to the gym together. Visit the dermatologist and share your story. Cheer the person on!
if you can’t be your partner’s cheerleader, how much do you really care about him or her?
Arguing, fighting, and anger just crush and limit a couple’s sexual potential. If your partner seems distant or unresponsive, most likely, something is up.
This is when the seduction of words comes in: talk to each other. Listen. Don’t say a word–give your partner 5-10 minutes to say what’s what. Repeat back what the person said, and then offer your feelings.
Whatever you do, squash the anger.
So that’s my little advice for today.
I hope you’ll all be good little boys and girls and follow my advice.
Besides, it’s spring: it’s baby-making time!