frommtvtomommy

A Letter on Love & Marriage to 20-somethings, from a 30-something

In love, marriage, relationships on April 23, 2014 at 5:49 pm

Hello 20-something ladies and gents:

I still remember my tweaking twenties. By tweaking I don’t mean taking drugs or rubbing my crotch against some dude. By tweaking I mean anxiety. My anxious, unsure twenties.

Sure, I’m still a little anxious and unsure now, but the kind of maturity I have today I did not have in my 20’s.

And while I am sure you are all lovely and gorgeous things, I’d like to pass my wisdom on to you. A little something I learned from dating jerks, good guys, marrying a good but incompatible guy, and then subsequently, both of us ending that marriage despite the fact that we are both good people and parents.

I hope you get something from this that I didn’t know back then when I was a 20-something blonde goddess.

Hotness Dies, Intelligence Doesn’t.

I don’t think you should pair up with someone you find hideous but while you’re shiny and sparkly right now, time goes fast, and the sparkly and shine fades. You need to pick a mate who has the intelligence to keep you interested in the rest of your life.

I like Brad Pitt. I like him a whole lot. I am pretty sure I could have religious sex with him, but if it turned out he was a dummy, eventually I would get bored.

Chocolate is good, but a rich chocolate is better.

Pick someone you can talk to because when you’re both in diapers that’s about all you’ll be able to do.

Taking Care of You

It’s nice that she has great boobies. It’s nice that he has a stable job.

Will he or she clean up after you if you get sick?

Will they be there by your side if you’re ill, injured, or severely depressed?

Loyalty, trust, and respect mean way more than a great job. Anyone can lose a great job within seconds. You can go from making 300K to making nothing. If someone is respectful and trustworthy, he or she will never lose that or end up on trust “unemployment”, most likely.

Shared Values

I’ve said it before: Opposites attract…for a short time. Choose someone with the same underlying values. It makes life easier, especially if you decide to have kids.

Kids

If she says she doesn’t want kids, don’t expect it to change. If he says it, don’t expect it. This is a huge dealbreaker. Be smart. If you want kids, find someone who does.

Job

A person has to have a job but recognize this: if you marry a musician and are then angry that he is touring all the time, you are the fool. If you marry a wealthy lawyer who works all the time, expect that in order to keep that wealth, he or she will have to work. Understand the person’s lifestyle, earning potential, and job commitment when deciding on making a partner a partner for life. As a writer and social media pro, it is often hard for others to understand how I make money and what I need to do. Finding someone who can live with that and champion that is crucial for me.

Kindness

A nice ass, great job, good car, and loyal following still doesn’t beat a kind person. If the person is a dick or bitch to others, you will be seeing that same dick or bitch to you shortly. It’s just a matter of time. Pick a kind person.

As Is

There should be a few words written on a marriage license: AS IS.

You are marrying the person for who he or she is that very day you walk down the aisle, not what you hope he or she will be. Love that person as is, and marry him/her. If you don’t, you need to shake hands and walk away. You cannot change someone. He or she can only change on his/her own if the person wants to.

Expect the Worst

Expect sickness. Lack of money. Strife.

I’m not being negative, but instead, I’m gearing you up to drop the fantasy of marriage and instead, embrace the reality of marriage. Marriage is a wonderful thing. I still believe it can work. I am even hopeful for my ex to see him be happy and find the right shoe for his foot, metaphorically speaking.

But still: expect the tough times and choose someone who you can get through those times with.

Loves You For You

At the end of the day, the person you choose should love you for you. For your flaws, ugly traits, beauty marks, and all. No one is perfect, but someone will always find your imperfections charming even if another person didn’t.

And lastly..

Don’t Panic

Don’t get married because your friends, family, or coworkers told you to. Because you’re afraid of being alone. Because you’re afraid no one else will love you, or that your biological clock is ticking, or that you want insurance.

Divorce is devastating and not cheap.

Marry because that person makes your life wonderful. Makes you a better person and provides you with the intellectual, sexual, emotional, or whatever else needs that you need.

And remember: one person can’t be your everything. But one person can be many important things to you, and everyone deserves the best and a good outcome.

Don’t settle.

With engagement rings, broken promises, sickness, and health,

Laura

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  1. 100% agree with you. Too many people opt for the all that glitters isn’t gold option, then they wonder what went wrong! Genuine love is more than the surface appearance. Great post! Bex

    • Thank you so much!
      I think sometimes we don’t realize consciously that we are choosing as you say the “glitters isn’t gold option.” It’s hard sometimes when you are that close to the scenario or in love. Trust me. But genuine is definitely better than the surface. Thank you for reading 🙂

      • My pleasure, it’s a fab post 🙂 Yes that is very true; I don’t want to quote a cliche but, love is blind! Also, I do think sometimes finding that real deal person can be a difficult job!

      • It is a difficult job, but I believe it’s not impossible 🙂

      • Definitely not impossible, I know that from experience 🙂

  2. I never met anyone who married someone just because they thought said person was “hot”. Plenty of people have flings for such a reason, but marriage? Really?

    • No not as the sole reason…maybe I was just confusing. What I mean is in our 20’s people tend to pick partners based on looks…when while that is nice in the long run, it’s not critical to having a marriage or LTR with someone. It should be a bonus really, not a criteria…

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