Application for the Role of Boyfriend

Dear Applicant:

I have gotten a few requests from people to hand in their application to be my boyfriend. Some were sweet requests and others were piggish.

So here are my requirements. Grab a seat.

Don’t Half-Ass Life

Don’t be some schlubby depressive who lives life in a mediocre manner. Go for it! Whether it’s your career, passion, or love life, go for it with honesty and direct intention. Be a person who makes it happen. Don’t be a sitter. Be a doer.

Keep up!


Tell me how you feel in a non-creepy way. Talk about things. Get invested and interested in what I have to say. Have something to say back. Think about the world around you. Read.

I like to talk. I talk to myself.

See what I am saying?

Now pardon me while I have a fascinating conversation with myself.


I don’t do mediocre–see a few places above…

Feel. Be open to feeling things and expressing yourself. Don’t be shy. I won’t be.

Take Care of Yourself.

Be active. Eat well. Take care of your sanity.

Be sane.

Love yourself.

Be a Man

Be honest. Don’t be shady. Lying is not cool.

Own your actions and be true to the people around you.


Care about your friends and family. Show them they matter. Show me I matter.

Make me want to give a crap.

Treat others with kindness from the janitor at work, to your mother.

Show empathy and if you can’t empathize, at least listen.

Application Instructions:

Do not text me at 4am.

Don’t try to kiss me when you are a total freaking stranger at Starbucks.

Do ask me to grab coffee, but expect I will want tea. I don’t drink coffee.

Listen to me. Read my writing.

Do not tell me how great my boobs are. Think it. Don’t say it.


Do not treat me like your arm candy or a bag of wind.

I’m forceful and strong willed. Just ask my ex, who is a great guy by the way. Only a lucky lady deserves to have him next. He is a good man. Honest. Reliable. hard working. Great dad.

If you want someone timid who mimics your thoughts or shyly tells you what she thinks, just flush that application down the toilet.

This is my time to shine, and I won’t let someone dim my light.

With Blonde Ambition,

L Girl

2 thoughts on “Application for the Role of Boyfriend

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