What to Do When You’ve Been Dumped, Left, Divorced, or Abandoned: A Go-to Guide

Getting dumped, divorced, or left sucks. It’s not fun. It’s lonely. It’s sad. It stinks big time.

What’s a guy or girl to do though when this happens?

Here’s my go-to guide on what to do when some man or woman didn’t realize how amazing you truly are:

Cry Like A Little Bitch

Man or woman, sob like a little baby. Don’t just sniffle, get into it. Cry so hard you start to have snot. Cry so much that you look like you’re high. Cry in public. Cry alone.

Go all out!


Isolate Yourself

Screw your friends. They’ll just tell you to get over it or to stop being a little baby already, and put on your big boy or girl pants.

Who needs that?! You need to contemplate your life and why you got dumped alone so you can truly suffer, which is what your ex wants you to do.

Starve to Death

Hey, it’s summer. Girlfriend needs to look good in a bikini. Feel free to fill out your applications for boyfriend here. Hope you like blondes.


starve. Don’t eat. Get into your pain. Who needs food? You’re suffering!




What woman hasn’t gorged herself just slightly after starving herself, on chocolate when she’s dumped or divorced?


Grab a beer.


Drink yourself into a stupor, unless you’re an alcoholic. Then definitely don’t do that.



It’s easier than a date. Online dating scares the crap out of me…of course, inviting strangers to my Twitter page does not.

Get used to masturbating. It sucks. Big time.

If you’re a guy, get yourself an older woman who will dote on you and get all crazy hormonal on you in the good way…or date a younger woman to boost your ego. For a bit.

Ladies, get an older man to spoil you…or a younger man to…well, avoid the masturbating problem.


Listen to sad music. Practice mopey looks. Look depressed.

If you like my tips or just feel bad for me because I’m lonely, send chocolate to me.

I’m Laura, and I endorse this parody.

With chocolate kisses,



3 thoughts on “What to Do When You’ve Been Dumped, Left, Divorced, or Abandoned: A Go-to Guide

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