Today I saw one of my absolute best friends. I have a very select few I count on, and this person was there for me during a very horrific time and is always there for me, and so this person is close to my heart. Very close.
Anyway, we were discussing the things that were getting me down… Oh you know, all my work projects are done, getting a divorce, not knowing where I will live with my kid, and watching my daughter go through losing her family.
We talked about how while I have just finished some great work projects all at home…it may be stressful to not know where money is coming next, but right now it is more important for me to be present with my daughter. Going from being a mostly SAHM to a mom working 60 hours a week away from the house…and then subsequently losing her family as she knew it, has been very hard on my wee one. Now that I am in a transition period, I get to spend time with her and provide her with steady care and consistency without the demands of a lot of extra people. Yes, she goes to camp and is with her grandparents here and there, but she is steadily with me and sees dad as well.
In the past week, she has gone from reverse potty-training, to back to going on the potty…and her outbursts of anger and nightmares have dissipated. I am not saying that the end is here as this is a long process for us all as a family, but that I am seeing some light. I am seeing my daughter as she once was–happy and confident. Sometimes she is anxious (something she never was pre-divorce)–asking if dad misses her or asking where she is going or clingy with me, but I am seeing my sunshine shine brightly again. I gave birth to one of the most confident and independent kids I’ve ever met. To see her go through this has been very hard. Being around means I can ease her anxiety through this.
And yes, I don’t have anyone that loves me. I can certainly garner up a bunch of creeps at any moment, but no real love. Haven’t for awhile. I do feel alone. I worry about where we will go next…how I will make it with money…but instead of saying how nothing is ever going to happen for me, I remind myself how much has happened for me.
I wanted to be an actor: I got on TV. I got on stage. I got paid to entertain full-time for a living.
I wanted to graduate from college: I went back to school at Columbia.
I wanted a baby: I endured a shitty pregnancy and had her.
I wanted a career post-baby, I have made it happen even though I have had lulls (now being one). I went from writing free stuff, to co-authoring a book, editing a book and doing some ghostwriting, managing social media for a bunch of folks, becoming a copywriter, and producing content for folks.
In fact, I am one of the few people I know who had a dream and made it happen. As a child, I sang and dreamed about being an actor and a writer…and a comic. I have done all three, and gotten paid for it.
Not something many can say. And the fact that right now I don’t get to perform as I like sucks, but again…time is not now, but it isn’t never. All my ducks need to be in a row…and they will be there.
I wanted to get married: I did. Did it work out? No, but I gave it my absolute best shot.
But the time is not right now for what I want, but it is not never. So whenever you are wondering, ‘Why despite all my best intentions and effort are things not panning out?” consider that maybe you are where you need to be for that moment. If you’re not trying, it’s one thing…but I always try…and for now, I know that things will fall into place…in its own time.
Is this easy to remember? No. It isn’t. I am doing my best though to believe even though it is very hard for me that my time is almost here. I just need to plant the seeds and everything I want will be mine. I create my own destiny and choose my own choices.
For now, I will try not to worry (hard as that is) and enjoy being with the one person who needs me most.
Not as zen as I sound, but trying,