frommtvtomommy

One is the loneliest number

In divorce, life, motherhood on July 20, 2014 at 10:08 pm

After being in a family unit or a couple, it can be hard to adjust to being alone.

As a mom, alone time is pretty far and few (for most of us anyway), and when we get it, we often cherish it because we need that time to rejuvenate and be the person we were before we became that all-encompassing role of “mommy.”

For me however, alone time has taken on a new meaning. Since I am with my daughter most of the week, being alone is nil. The days and nights are busy and when she is finally asleep, it’s the only time I’ve got to make the magic happen with my writing…hunt for new projects…and get stuff done. A wise man told me that throughout the dissolution of my relationship, I am not allowed to breakdown. The only person who is allowed is my daughter. So even if I have real life worries and struggles in my lap, I have to shove them away and focus on being positive and upbeat. In many ways, it makes things easier as there is no time or luxury to be sad or worried. There are no moments to break down. That is, until I am alone.

Being alone for me in this new and unexplored territory of my life I’m going to call post-marriage, (because post-divorce sounds more dismal, plus it’s not legal yet. I’d prefer to be a bit sunshiney about this stuff) has mostly consisted of getting work done, cleaning the house, seeing friends, and writing. However, it has also consisted of silent time. Silent time with not much to do.

It is in this space that I feel sad and alone. That I miss the family. That I sit with myself on a Sunday and say, “How is it that I am all alone, a mom of a 3 year-old, on a Sunday?” Sunday is a family day.

Sunday is not a day for me to be alone.

Where is my husband? Child? 

They’re not here.

This is my new normal. And today, on a day in which she is happily enjoying with her daddy, I get to be sad and say, “This sucks.”

I am one of those people who thrives/recharges on the company of others, yet still I need to pull away in order to collect my thoughts as some people unintentionally or intentionally, are energy drainers and I need time to recharge alone too.

I grew up in a large chaotic family, which may be why only childhood has suited me so well for now, and have always been a very social person. The idea of this aloneness is not comforting to me.

For 8 years, Sundays meant something to me. It meant time with my love. And then, time with my two loves.

Somehow, I have to reimagine Sunday so it doesn’t feel so lonely. I have to reimagine and recreate a new normal that doesn’t leave me in tears. And color in this picture of a new and equally fulfilling life…I hope.

With ravishing cravings for chocolate due to hormones,

Laura

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  1. ((((((BIG HUGS TO YOU LAURA)))))) Take good care, Su x

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