Before I go on, I would like to say that there are indeed abusive women but as a female who is a fan of the male sex, I cannot personally attest to any abusive female stories of my own. I have had friends who identified as lesbian who do have those stories, but I do not.
I also would like to state that there are some good guys in this world, some of them with troubles, and others not. I know when I met my almost ex-husband, he was pretty disgusted at some of the sad stories I told him… although some I never did tell him as who wants to recount all that bad stuff?
So while there are some really awesome dudes in the world, there are some not so great dudes. There are some very abusive men out there that women don’t seem to catch on to or want to see until the abuse begins and it’s harder to get out.
I was inspired to write this blog because I hear so many stories of women and people being treated poorly, yet they continue to “re-frame” or “re-imagine” the situation as to make it seem as if they’re not getting abused. Lying to themselves.
Consider this story, which is expounded on in full dark detail in my memoir:
I was 24 years-old when a friend of mine who worked in finance had invited me out to a bar, so I went and sure enough, there were all these clean-cut finance guys there. One liked me, and we hung out that night. Nothing intense. He was nice. Cute. Very tall. We agreed to go out on a date.
He seemed as All-American as you could get: great private college. Great job. Preppy looking. Close with family. Liked normal guy stuff, unlike most of the guys I dated at the time who were actors, comics, and production crew from my MTV days.
I remember one of my friends saying, “Finally Laura. Someone normal who will treat you right.”
Yet as All-American as he was, there I was the last time I saw him, struggling to keep him from choking me as he and his 6’5 tall body pinned me to his bed.
He wasn’t trying for sex. He wasn’t trying to touch me. This was about 5 dates in (and done thank god). He was enjoying hurting me…but thankfully, after a fight for whatever reason, he set me free telling me, “Stop your crying you slut. No one will believe you. No one will believe you over me, you stupid Jew.”
Or something to that effect. You’ll have to read my memoir.
I ran out of his apartment located in the nice preppy neighborhood of Murray Hill in Manhattan, and never looked back.
As far as I was concerned, I was given a shot at life. That man could have easily killed me.
Well, Laura. Where the f*#k did you go wrong with this guy?
Here are a few signs I wish I had picked up on. Sadly, he dropped many (the majority) of these hints and signs that very night…and I had stupidly left my car keys at his place. Bad move. I couldn’t leave without him…and once we got back to his place, he took my keys and wouldn’t give them to me.
Bring your keys and have a way out of a date.
Tell your friends who you are with–as much info as possible. Address, name, etc.
Bring mace. I am not saying to be paranoid, but be realistic. As a 5’1 and a half woman the weight of a large 12 year-old, I stood no chance against a 6’5 man.
Signs to Look for:
I’m not a shrink, so this isn’t a comprehensive list so if you go out with a dude and he turns out to be a jerk and emits some other sign, sorry.
Again, I’m not a professional, but I have experienced a lot. Here goes:
This guy showed signs of insecurity. How? He joked around at dinner about his penis being small and how I wouldn’t like it.
This was after he was already…
Drunk dude yammering about his penis.
Drugs and alcohol. Beware.
Of course, if you thought he was mean to his penis, ( I hope his balls didn’t hear! P.S.-I saw it once and yup, it was small. Thankfully I did not participate in any action other than see it.) he was even meaner to me.
He told me I wasn’t as smart as him and…
Inflating the Ego
He liked to brag about his job and education (a sign he did show earlier)…as if he were so special…and
He commented on my nails being too long like in his words, “a N-word girl’s.”
And called me a Kike, a very nasty word towards Jews.
Who says the N-word or K-word??? No one I know or like!
What you’re probably thinking was, “Why didn’t you leave?”
As I remind you, I left my car keys at his apartment, and had no way in besides back with him.
Stupid, stupid, stupid.
Forgive me. I was young, but naive.
Nothing I dislike more than a racist, racist-comment making fool, or an anti-semite or any other sign of intolerant behavior.
Another guy told me I looked nice when we were out, and he screamed at me for calling too much attention to myself.
He also told me, when commenting on his small dick, how ” a hot girl like me shouldn’t want him,” and when I mentioned I was looking for a job said, ” a hot girl like me could get a job using my body.”
I might want to add that I did yell at him but I also had low-self-esteem oh wayyy—ooh way oh (Offspring reference)…so when he said that, it really hurt me, despite the fact he was such a jerk/tool/nutjob.
He didn’t like the guy who looked at me that night. He wanted me to sit in a certain seat.
In the Messy End
All of these examples are sadly true and extreme but:
Inflating one’s worth while demeaning yours
These are all signs of an abusive person. Watch out.
I’m Sorry. So Sorry
You have a small penis.
No, I’m not sorry jerk.
An abusive person will apologize and try to make amends, often in the most extravagant way, but will go right back to hurting you.
While I was being physically pinned to the bed and hurt, this man alternated between apologizing and belittling me…rapidly. That’s scarier, and a sign of a real psycho.
I got out from under this 6’5 man during an apology moment and as I went to take my keys,(which by the way, he had stolen from me as soon as we got to the apartment) he started back in on me.
Don’t believe apologies. He won’t change.
Not now. Not today.
Someone who didn’t look back.
I’m joking about the free kids. They’ll cost you.
Find me on Facebook: I’m lonely. Hug me.