Dear Married People,
How’s life being married?
Did you know that when you walked down the aisle there was and is a 50/50 chance?
A 50/50 chance of divorce or forever until you’re old and in poopy underwear.
I remember thinking how that wouldn’t be me. Wouldn’t be us.
I thought my husband and I would be in the top 50 making it through until we were old and cranky.
Guess what? I was wrong.
This letter isn’t meant for all of the married people. I have friends who understand and plenty more that try to, but if you are married, you need to know this:
Don’t Be Smug
Sometimes I think people get this “Oh well my marriage would never fall apart like hers” or “It just wasn’t meant to be I guess.”
Don’t be so smug and assume that people who divorce all just give up and walk away, leaving the people who we love or being left.
Many of us tried very hard to make our marriages work but since kidnapping is illegal and forcing someone to love you is impossible, sometimes marriages have to end.
Don’t think you know it all and most importantly, never ever take your partner for granted. A wedding ring and certificate don’t guarantee love and loyalty. Work, care, patience, and the decision to make it work each day does.
Appreciate what you have. Make the commitment each day to your partner.
Are You Over It?
Some people think that there should be some set time to grieve a marriage but the fact is, as a married person you haven’t lost your family. Sure, there are some single parents who only know being a parent and child but for those of us who had a two-partner and kid/s set-up, it is a huge loss to experience. It takes time to adjust. Every time I think I have the hang of something, something new in my journey through divorce happens and it sets me back momentarily or for awhile. It is a roller coaster of emotions. I don’t have to be pollyanna sunshine every day, but I do have to keep it together for my kid.
Your married family weekends that you cherish? I cherished those too. I miss those too. For me, I don’t have the same weekends. Same holidays. Same mealtimes. Same anything, as many of us going through divorce experience.
Give us time and if we aren’t as peppy, available, or eager for your advice, accept it. We know you mean well but unless you have been in a divorced person’s shoes, you don’t understand. It is a constant learning experience, at least for where I am at.
No Thanks, Bro
For some reason I have found as an almost-divorced woman that my unhappily married guy friends think maybe I am up for a quick tryst with them or willing to cross the line with hardcore flirtation.
Just because someone is divorced does not mean that person has low morals or want to deal with your baggage. Be honest: address your marital issues and don’t look to single or divorced women/men to make you feel better. We have enough on our plates, thanks.
It Isn’t Catching
Just because your friend might be divorced Married Person, it doesn’t mean we want your marriage to fail or think negatively about marriage. While some people after or during a divorce don’t have much hope for marriage, some of us believe it does work even if it didn’t for us.
We aren’t out to make everyone break-up. It isn’t catching.
The Doctor Is Out
Just because we are divorced or are getting a divorce does not mean we need or want even your well-meaning advice. Sometimes we just want someone to listen to us as divorce is a pretty painful process. It is hard, sometimes long, (oh! phallic reference! I’m so immature) and each situation is so different. Some people walk away from a divorce seeming unaffected like my ex, and then there are people who go off the deep end…and people like me, in the middle.
Sometimes advice is needed, but sometimes we just want you to listen.
Remember, you’re married. You have one home. You see your kids daily. You aren’t splitting your whole world down the middle.
In the End
As a person losing my life and family, I try to surround myself with good happy people and in fact, I suggest to other divorced or almost-divorced folks to surround themselves with happily married couples. It’s certainly better than being around doom and gloom.
But Marrieds, just remember: you could be divorced 5 years down the line. Appreciate what you have. It’s harder than it looks. It’s more painful than it looks. Kids are affected. banks are affected. Lives are affected. Go to counseling. Have sex when you’re mad. Don’t pick on him or her for the little things, and be grateful you have someone to bicker with tonight.
* A thank you to my good group of friends helping me through both married, single, and divorced. 🙂
With A Dash of Hope and More Often Than Not, Chocolate,