Grieving A Divorce: A Blonde’s Guide

If marriage is an institution, then divorce is the psychiatric hospital division. Even though it could be amicable and friendly, it’s still painful. You’re essentially ripping you and your family’s life into bits and pieces, and then seeing who gets what of those “pieces.”

Everyone responds differently to a divorce. Some people have a crisis and start going on drinking benders. Others seem calmly collected as if nothing is happening to them. Some people start eating a lot of chocolate and watching bad television.

For the record, I don’t watch tv. I might have a bad chocolate habit though.

Here is the Blonde’s Guide to grieving a divorce:


 No Ho’s or Gigolo’s

Whatever you do, don’t get involved with anyone until you’re mentally able to feel ready. Another man or woman is going to just be more problems.

I’ve got literally 99 problems right now, and a man isn’t one of them, and he won’t be for awhile. It’s weird when your ex is ready and you’re not, especially if it seems fast, but here are tips on how to manage when your ex is dating.

But I Need Attention Laura

If you need attention, pay attention to yourself by masturbating.

No, seriously, just go out and flirt, but go home without anyone to tie you down. If you’re working through a divorce you don’t really need some whiner complaining that you didn’t call her or some dude being all clingy when you’re just dying for some time to yourself.

Or if you need extra-attention, do something fun only for yourself…or have a one-night stand. Just don’t sign up for more problems. Focus on you.

Be Upset

Don’t let people tell you how to feel. Don’t let people say, “Oh you should be happy” or “Aren’t you glad it’s almost over or over?”

Feel how you feel and accept it. Notice when you feel good and cherish those times. Sometimes it may only be for a few moments.


There’s always going to be a few idiots who congratulate you. And hey, if the person was abusive, a congrats may be in order, but to me, it’s an insensitive comment. Divorce is hard. Losing your life and possibly your family as you know it, sucks. 

If someone congratulates you, you have my permission to pop a punk in the testes or the “motherland.”


It feels like the worst depths of Dante’s Inferno sometimes, but recognize that while it may seem awful, time should make things better. It’s hard for myself to see, quite frankly. The light at the end of the tunnel is a mirage. Try to remember that maybe in time it won’t seem so bad.


If there are kids involved, remember the kids come first and so does their grief. Be there for them first and honestly, try to mask your own feelings. Cry when they’re asleep. Don’t be angry in front of them. And never, ever fight with the ex or talk badly about the ex around them. It’s tacky, it’s destructive, and it’s plain old wrong. Kids don’t ask for this BS. Make it easy for them.

Party Like It’s 1999

It’s totally fine to go out and have fun. If you need your botox, or a 19 year-old girl for the evening, do it. Just don’t go on a bender, become a gigolo, or trash your life. A little fun here and there is needed when you’re annihilating the most important relationship in your life: your marriage, and sadly, family.


It’s okay to keep conversations brief with your ex if you feel so sad and angry that you need space. Just be sure to always be polite, kind, and available to discuss any issues you might have with the kid or kids…or (gulp) finances.

The kinder everyone is, the less painful it will be. But again, it’s okay to keep details simple. This is the most painful breakup you could experience.

 Why Did You Get Married In The First Place?

There will be at least 1 or 20 dumb-dumb’s who will ask you that question. If you knew it was going to end this way, would you have been running down the aisle? Nope. Not me. I meant my vows. There is love there and there was love there.

Remind the dummies of that.

Ask them something worse like, “Would you have worn that if you knew you’d look like a fool?”

Or, “Would you have hooked up with that girl if you would have known she would have given you crabs?”

Hopefully NONE of your friends have crabs.

Anywhoo, tell them you got married because you loved the person, and you divorced because you both loved each other enough OR if that’s not true, you both loved your own selves to admit that it wasn’t working, no matter what you did.

And after that, punch that baby in the head. 🙂

With a punch, chocolate kiss, and Botox,





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