I have been a little MIA with work and other varied things, but I promise to be gracing you all with some great posts shortly. I celebrated a birthday, and that will be written about as well soon.
I wanted to impart some wisdom though or nonsense, depending on how you feel about me and my work, about moving on after marriage.
Saying goodbye to someone whether he or she is totally wrong for you, mean to you, or just plain not for you, is extremely difficult. I don’t think that I will ever not have some feelings for my ex. He was my first love. I didn’t meet him until I was 30, and when I met him, I described it as meeting Prince Charming.
He was sitting in his car, with his perfect dark hair,(he still has it all and then some) and a navy blue sweater. He looked like a boy straight out of the fifties.
I told him a few days later that I only wanted to be friends, and then a year and a half later, we were certainly more than friends. We were married. Maybe I am naive, but when times are very hard between us I always remember the good times anyway. When there is a fight or something goes awry, I still manage to be kind.
I guess I am just a very kind person who doesn’t get too angry, even when I should. Slowly, that is changing. I am learning when to say no, when to say that’s not okay, and when to say I have had enough.
But even when you know that you have tried every single thing and know that divorce seems the only option, it is still not easy. For me, I do not walk away from something like this lightly. Any person I choose from this day forward to be in my life will be taken into account very seriously.
I am making a life for myself and my daughter, and instead of trying to reimagine what our lives will be like, I am making it happen. Sure, he is there with us, and he is there with her…and still, he feels like family to me. This is the hardest part.
I tell myself one day I will not be so sad and hurt, but some days it seems a long time coming. Some days I feel very strong, and others incredibly weak. Unloved. Not good enough. Loved. Amazing. Passionate. Strong. Weak. Afraid.
The most important things I can impart to anyone going through this or considering ending a marriage are:
-if you have tried every single thing in your power, you deserve to be happy. Move forward.
-it’s always about the kids, if you’ve got them, because hey–they didn’t choose this to not work out.. Buck up, and shut up, and be an adult.
-nobody wins. everybody loses. There are no prizes in divorce. There are only serious loses and life changes.
-the kids never win. Remember this. Be kind.
-money is the root of all evil.Try to not let this guide your actions. Guide your actions by your kids.
-give yourself time. Don’t settle for just anyone or run into some rebound. Being lonely sucks, sure. It damn well does. But do you need headaches? Pick a shiny apple, and avoid settling for a wormy one in the meantime because you’re just so hungry.
-when things are really bad and you want to lash out, remember the good times you had together as a couple, and be kind. Kindness goes a long way. This isn’t fun for anyone.
-if someone is mean, walk away for the time being.
-if you think marriage sucks and maybe you need to have an affair or maybe you want to separate or maybe you’re miserable, think twice. That hot babe will have problems too. If you think marriage sucks, try divorce on for size. Tell me which feels better now. Try to work it out, and if it is not possible, move on and always do the right thing by other person.
What has this all taught me?
It has taught me that I am able to love and be loved. That I can commit. He was my only commitment past a few months.
That I am worth love and kindness. That I don’t deserve to feel small or unwanted or terrible.
That kids never ever win. No matter how you paint it, divorce is devastating for kids.
That two households are not better than one. Just different and often harder.
That no matter what, I cannot be engulfed by negative feelings.
That even though I know this is the right choice, I still miss him and wish that my fairy tale ending was true.
For the person I wrote my vows for: I meant them. very much and will never forget them.
I guess I now have to vow to myself: Laura, you are worthy and deserving of love. You will find it and if you don’t, there is always chocolate, shoes, and books.