Some people walk away from a marriage hating each other. Others won’t even talk. I met a guy who five years post divorce, still called his wife a “W” word, which I won’t repeat because I don’t believe in calling anyone those types of words.
Divorce can be ugly, but what it almost always is is sad, emotionally draining, and complicated. Even if you decide to walk away from someone, it doesn’t mean you’ve given all care up for that person. In the world of relationships, divorce may be final, but it is a grey matter.
And unlike people like crazy guy who still slanders his ex-wife five years later, there are other people, like myself. Like my ex.
Does he hurt me? Yes, at times. Have I hurt him? I guess. Do we fight? Do I feel small, unloved, and insignificant? Wounded, tired, and defeated?
But despite the fact that we know it cannot work–that we do not work despite the great effort on both of our parts, there is still love there.
Even though this was the only option left after so many other options were sought, I still love him. I know it is best for us to move forward and I hope to meet someone who will snatch me up and kidnap me in the most normal and non-stalkerish way possible, there is a bond that will always exist, with the father of my child. My first love.
After a heated debate. After mediation.
After a day in which I am left to feel as if I don’t matter and am reduced to tears, there it is:
Yes, we are getting divorced, but yes, we hug sometimes.
To me, his hug has not been replaced.
He bathed me when I was too sick and pregnant to care for myself.
He watched me graduate from college.
He left food by my bedside when I was sick.
Are there bad memories, and insults? Pain?
But beneath all the garbage, there is a history. Our history. It may be over, but it lives on in our daughter, in our heads, and in my heart.
I wish love were enough, but sometimes, it’s just not.