Hi. My name is Laura, and I am losing my family.
It’s a pretty sad thing.
You see, we have a pretty amicable situation and an awesome little kid that’s just 3.
We look like the dream divorce. We do things together and we figured out just about everything on our own–little help from the law.
It’s still jolting to experience. No matter how you slice it in my opinion, divorce sucks. It’s not good for the kids…it’s just better than seeing two people fight…it’s better seeing two people happy than not happy. But make no mistake– it’s not awesome for the kids.
And while people who are divorcing usually know it’s for the best, we still hate when people who are married or never married say, “Oh it’s for the best.”
Really? Because it doesn’t always feel like it’s for the best. It feels like it is the worst possible thing to happen. A shit roll of the dice.
I am in what I call the winter stage of divorce.
It’s coming to a real legal end soon enough, and it’s hit me. In the beginning I was upbeat about my future…thinking we would all be okay, but as it gets closer to being official, I have begun to panic more and more. I am not Miss Sally Sunshine. I am not, We’ll All Be Just Dandy!
Sure, it could be worse. I could have some horrific legal battle and be dealing with a psycho. People tell me to be positive! Smile! It could be worse! It could be brutal.
And for the most part, I smile. I am upbeat, but sometimes you just gotta say–screw it! Be real.
Screw what your happily married and other friends say to you.
Divorce feels as if you have cut off a limb and now have to figure out how to move without it. And when a kid is involved, it literally feels as if every item, every important person in your world is being cut into quarters. You take this half– I will take my half.
You don’t know how the ex’s family feels about you. You may even miss them.
You know it can’t work out anymore and so ending it finally feels like a relief, but ending it officially also feels dreadful. Is it right? Is there hope left? Do we have to do this?
Divorce sucks, no matter how it happens or why it’s happening. No matter who initiates it or wants it.
For me, I have someone I love and care about who probably/maybe/perhaps does/ doesn’t love me and who despite both of our attempts, seem to bicker no matter how good both of our intentions are. We have weeks where it is so easy and I think, “Why are we doing this??” And other days we fight and I say, “Oh that’s why we are doing this.”
Some days we are the best of friends and others, not so much. We know it’s the right thing to do, but we also know it feels like the most wrong thing to do.
It is a constant roller coaster–the process of divorce. I am nearing the end point in which it is getting closer to final and in some ways, more damning. Like a winter storm that is set to shut you inside your house…I am feeling trapped. Damned. Done. Defeated.
People say, “Oh he doesn’t know what he’s missing…you’ll easily meet someone.”
Or, “You’re better as friends. You’ll meet the right one.”
Or, “You’re a good-looking and smart woman. You’ll meet someone.”
But I don’t believe that. In my winter, I believe it is over for me, entirely.
There won’t be anyone else. There won’t be anyone good enough for me, or certainly not for her.
There won’t be another start.
So instead of getting remarried and going through this again, I have decided to:
Join the circus once my kid is older or
move to paris or
live in a studio apartment in manhattan again and live off of only my artistry (writing.comedy) or
become a chocolatier or
write women centric porn and have my friends and family think I am nuts…
ALL of the Above
The process of divorce is brutal. I am sure divorced people feel happy and content. Satiated with joy. Sure they made the right choice. Happy with someone else.
Right now as I enter the last stretch, I am not that person.
I am sad, skeptical, angry, and grieving, and dammit, that’s okay.