A Divorce Dictionary


Divorce (n.) 1.the legal dissolution of a marriage by a court or other competent body.

v. 2.legally dissolve one’s marriage with (someone)

If you aren’t divorce or about to be divorced, or considering divorce than you probably just don’t understand what life is like for someone who is dissolving his or her marriage. Because I’m such a conscientious gal, I decided to make a little dictionary for those of you who want to know the real truth, and nothing but the truth so help you chocolate, about divorce.

Here is part I in my Divorce Dictionary:

Skype or Facetime: The method of speaking to your child when you haven’t seen him or her in days. You may end up wishing your child “Happy Thanksgiving” or even “Merry Christmas” over a smartphone, tablet, or computer. You will then hang up and wonder what your child does all day when he or she is not with you. Your heart will break.

Money:  Something absent from the budget. A lack of financial stability. You will have much less of it. You will fight over it with another person. Everyone will feel as if he or she has lost everything. Chances are, that answer is correct. You will suddenly tell people, “No I can’t do that this year,” or find ways to make money, at your own mental and physical health expense. People will complain to you about their money woes and in your head you will think, ‘Oh shut up already,’ because they have no clue how bad it can really get.

Sex:  The act of engaging in a physical encounter with someone else. Sex will mostly be solo, unless you are divorced and without children. If you are divorced without children, you may find yourself already dating. In fact, almost every divorced person or person going through a divorce with or without kids, is dating.

Not me.

You will get offered sex by creepy dudes on the internet and sometimes, their girlfriends. You will say no, but be tempted to go out with them in order to visit their self-proclaimed beach house. Not because you’re into them, but because you want a vacation and cannot afford it. See Money.

You might have relations with an ex. It may get weird for awhile. You will decide that is a very bad idea. You will use the power of battery and digitally charged toys. It’s better than settling for a putz. If you are a dude, you will masturbate a whole lot, or perhaps, just have sex with oh, every female that says yes.

Holidays:  A festive time in which people embrace cultural and familial traditions. You will spend some of them quite alone, or perhaps with family and friends. If you have a child, you may or may not see him/her/them. You will be grateful for your health and chance to start over, but most of that gratitude for the first holidays divorced will be squashed down by a huge sadness that may overwhelm you. You will know intellectually to be grateful for your health. Divorce is not a disease. It’s not cancer. But you will be sad, and you may push people away.

Sharks:  Vicious people. You will find people, especially if you happen to be female, trying to prep on your assumed vulnerability. Many of these people will be male. Many of these people will falsely assume you are stupid. Don’t be. You’re not.

Marriage:   A state in which two people financially, emotionally, and physically entwine their lives. You remember the state of happiness you were in when you said those vows, but you will be disillusioned as to how you are ever supposed to meet someone and both feel the same way again. You will wonder if maybe you imagined the happy times you had, and you will also occasionally, gloss over the bad times that happened, in some state of melancholy. When a fight or disagreement comes up, you will remember and it will hurt.

Beginnings: A start. You will know you have a new beginning and to some extent, it is extremely exciting, but it is also extremely isolating and frightening. You are starting over financially, emotionally, etc. Nothing is what it was. There is no clear path. You are left to make one through the brambles and thorns.

Home: A place you sleep, eat, and live. You may not know where you are going to live. You may be losing your house. Your house could go through foreclosure, or simply sell. You may, if you’re in a super awesome divorce, be able to get a new place. Or you may be living in a place of old memories with the other half of the marriage, gone.

Cutting through the thorns,


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