The Pact: My Commitment To Myself After Divorce

A lot of people fumble with their New Year’s Resolutions, but if you know me you would know that I am dead determined. Almost every goal I have sought after,  I have accomplished in some shape or form.

As a kid, I decided I wanted to be an actor, comedienne, and professional writer.

I have gotten paid to do all three, and am currently a professional writer. Am I Amy Poehler or Charles Dickens? Well not yet but if I commit to something basically, I do it.  Sometimes I don’t let go of a situation or goal when I should, but most times if I am passionate about something, I give every breathe I’ve got and I’m full of hot air 🙂

So when the New Year approached, I decided to make a pact with myself. Why? Because I finally feel happy. Divorce and finances a bit of a shamble to say the least, I am happy and nothing can get in my way of this. I don’t want to go down the rabbit hole so I made this pact:

So I’m Not Lonely

There is no more hanging out or dating or committing to someone that is not really into me. If the person isn’t “in it to win it” or I’m not “in it to win it,” I am not doing it.

I felt so terribly alone the past two years of my marriage and I am sure he did too.

Life is too short. I gave it everything I had–and then some (remember how I said I sometimes hang on too much? I did).

There is no room in my life for “fill-in’s.” For men who don’t quite fit the bill just so I don’t have to be with my own company.

There is no room for being with someone who doesn’t quite get me just so I don’t have to show up somewhere alone.

I like me. I sometimes think I talk too much (okay, I know, I do a lot) and I sometimes think I’m too sensitive, but at the heart of it all, I like me and there will be someone who will get my quirks and still at the end of the day, not shove me aside.

I will wait.

Focus

I won’t let negative people or nay sayers detract me from my goal. People tried to persuade me to self-publish because getting a publisher is hard, but I said no.

Six months later, I’m writing for a major publication and building my own audience so that publisher will come.

Just because something is hard doesn’t mean it’s impossible.

All it means is you have to work hard and stick to your goal and when the goal seems to change, go with it and run!

Won’t Feel Bad

I won’t feel bad because I’m not a mouse of a woman. I’m determined and driven. If you want a mouse, go find one.

I may have big dreams but life isn’t worth living if you don’t have one. Dreams are what life is all about.

For The Sex

I won’t just engage in some trivial sex so I don’t feel lonely late at night.

I see folks doing it and it just leads to trouble– although if that’s what you’re into, go for it! No judging!

I just don’t need a warm body to fill up my bed. I like taking up some room with all of my 5’1ness.

See the section titled ‘So I’m not lonely.”

I don’t need a body– I need a breathing pulsing thinking being to fornicate with at intense levels.

Settle

I won’t settle and diminish myself to make another man or person feel better.

The “Worst Case Scenario Road”

Do you know what I am talking about?

I used to frequently travel the “Worst- Case Scenario” road when something bad would happen but the other day, when I got some bad financial news, I didn’t do it.

I just told myself that I cannot control everything. I have to go with the flow and accept what is. With a divorce, finances are crap. It will get better. It will take time, maybe more time than I would like, but all I can do is plan to budget and deal.

Some things we can control– and for those things, I will worry but if something is out of my hands and control, I have to let it be.

The worst case scenario road only leads to self-negating behavior and depression.

I don’t need that.

Let It Go

Elsa said it best, didn’t she?

For what I can’t control, I am letting go.

For my marriage– I let it go.

We tried and it didn’t work. I have to let my memories live on and move on towards the future.

If something is not working for you, let it go.

It won’t suddenly get better if it’s already broken to begin with. Let go, move on, and heal.

It’s like one day I felt happy. I noticed it. And then another day came and indeed, I felt happy.

I wondered at first, “What is wrong with me?” but it’s just that I’ve let things go and moved forward to meet opportunity.

It’s not a mirage. I’m happy.

Sure, sometimes I get upset, worried, or mad, but in the big picture there I am, smiling.

With lollipops and gumdrops,

Lifshitz

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